Setting Boundaries

Having bipolar, ptsd, and borderline personality, along with bad social anxiety causes me to have problems with relationships in my life.  So many times in my life I have been involved with people that bring me down.  They destroy me.  I long so much to be wanted, to be understood, to have someone care about me though that I don’t seem to understand that these people are just making my mental illness worse and they are hurting me.

I have such bad social anxiety that once I do find someone I am comfortable being around, I don’t want to leave that situation even if it is a bad one – be it a friendship or a romantic relationship.

I didn’t grow up in a great environment.  I don’t have a great relationship with my parents.  I currently talk to them, but I try to set up boundaries around the relationship I have with them because I am not comfortable with them.  It took me a long time to learn how to create boundaries with people though.  I always use to say “yes” to people.  I didn’t know the word “no.”  I was a people pleaser as some might say.  My friendships were usually one sided — I would always stay up late listening to other peoples problems, but no one would listen to mine.  I would always go out of my way to help them go get something, but when I needed something I was left on my own.  So many people in my past had hurt me though, that I felt like if I didn’t do these things that I would lose these people who I thought “cared” about me.

Boundaries are a big thing. I didn’t know how to even set them.  It took years in counseling for me to understand what boundaries were and how I could implement them into my life.  I still have problems with it today, especially with my parents.  I feel guilty since they are my family.  But they are also toxic to me many times.  I have to set boundaries no matter how people are related to me if they are more detrimental to my health than helpful.  That is something I have had to learn and am still coming to terms with.

Someone told me one time, “No is a complete sentence.  You can just say no.  You do not have to add on to it or justify it or create some story.  Just answer them with ‘no’.”  If you need to set up a boundary with someone and you don’t want to be with them or spend time with them that day, say you cant, tell them no you cant help them out.  It is ok.  Take care of yourself first.

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12 thoughts on “Setting Boundaries”

  1. Thanks. It is very hard to not feel the need to justify No’s. I still have a hard time. I used to get guilt tripped so much and people still try to. But I am trying harder and harder to take a stand and set boundaries now. I have just realized how important it is to my mental health.

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  2. No justification needed – that’s a good reminder. I, too, have set boundaries with parents and have struggled with the guilt from their being family. But there is nothing that states that we must continue to have people in our lives that hurt us just because they are blood-related “family.” It’s tough though. Thanks for sharing!

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  3. Hard? Yes. Especially within family members. But a necessary at times. It’s okay to say “no” to others and say “yes” to yourself.
    “No is a complete sentence.” I like that 🙂

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  4. Great post! I struggle with boundaries too. Especially with family. It is hard to detach ourselves but it really is best when the relationships aren’t healthy.

    Best wishes & keep writing,
    Nancy ~ Bead Charmer Girl

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  5. Marie, thanks for reading my post today. You have said a mouthful here. I am still learning about boundaries too, and it is not an easy thing.

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  6. Learning what you have related here is a huge big step. Having the wrong people in your life is worse than having no people in your life. It is obvious, however, from the above comments, that you have a broad friend base on the internet. Keep staying strong! Judy

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  7. I don’t have problems saying ‘no’ to people but I never thought about, “No is a complete sentence.” Wow. Strong statement–one I will keep with me always, just in case….

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  8. It is a strong statement! When I first heard it – I was like “wow!” I have carried it with me ever since! Haven’t always used it unfortunately, but I always try to!

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