Therapy – It came and it went.
I was terrified about going today. After dealing with a family reunion that made me face relationships and past issues that had hurt me I was not looking forward to even thinking about therapy, and yet I was also looking forward to it because I wanted to talk about it.
My problem is simple though — I want to talk about things, and then I get to therapy, and no words come out. I have all these words in my head, but I can’t form them into sentences. I don’t know how to say them, I don’t want to say them, I don’t want to hear them out loud. Occasionally I have been able to say certain things here and there though. So I was hoping that perhaps some of it would just come out today. Opening up to people is incredibly hard. Even once I have built up trust with my therapist I find it hard. I completely trust her, but for some reason, talking just seems almost impossible even though I want to do it so bad. Does anyone else have this problem?
The session actually did not go horribly. I did go into a bit of a flashback though and ended up completely breaking down crying. We were talking about something, I don’t even remember now, and I simply just went out of the moment, the next thing I knew I was just crying cause I was having so much pain and emotion about what had happened. But thankfully I was with my therapist and she could walk me through it. I wish I had a professional therapist on my shoulder 24/hrs a day for when that type of thing happens! It calms me down so much quicker than I can do on my own!
I cannot wait until I work through all of these past traumas. I can tell I am stronger than I was from when I started though. And while things might get harder, I will only grow from this in the end.
Alarm set for Friday next week to begin again!