Recovery is a scary thought.
When you have been stuck in a depressive state or with any type of mental illness for so long, thinking about even getting better can be incredibly scary. You don’t know what to expect. Your normal has become the dysfunction that you have been living.
I had lived with depression since I was 10 years old. When I was around 22 is got pretty severe. When I was 24 it got extremely severe and after a few more diagnosis for bipolar, ptsd, and borderline personality – I eventually was what they considered to have severe mental illness. Denial came along, not wanting help happened, and not knowing how to even accept the help occurred.
I was scared of having a happy life. What was a happy life like? I was used to being sad. I was used to hating life. I was used to wanting to die. In fact, I wanted to die. Why would I want to live and be happy. That wasn’t my normal, how could that even happen? I was scared to live like that. Sure, I thought that would be cool, but it was really scary that I could even have a life like that. What would it take to get there? What would it be like? I was terrified, and quite honestly, I was not completely sure why since happiness should have been a great thing, but it just wasn’t something I was used to.
My therapists over the years have told me that for many people recovery can be scary. So I hope I am not alone in this. I have talked to some other people that have expressed the same sentiments about it. Today, I am not 100% happy. I still struggle with low grade depression. I still have fleeting suicidal thoughts. I have horrible anxiety. But, I am a lot better than before. I have only been hospitalized 2x in over 1.5 years opposed to the 15 times in 1.5 years before. I have made a lot of progress.
Recovery doesn’t seem so scary anymore.