Recovery is a Scary Thought

Recovery is a scary thought.

When you have been stuck in a depressive state or with any type of mental illness for so long, thinking about even getting better can be incredibly scary.  You don’t know what to expect.  Your normal has become the dysfunction that you have been living.

I had lived with depression since I was 10 years old.  When I was around 22 is got pretty severe.  When I was 24 it got extremely severe and after a few more diagnosis for bipolar, ptsd, and borderline personality – I eventually was what they considered to have severe mental illness.  Denial came along, not wanting help happened, and not knowing how to even accept the help occurred.

I was scared of having a happy life.  What was a happy life like?  I was used to being sad.  I was used to hating life.  I was used to wanting to die.  In fact, I wanted to die.  Why would I want to live and be happy.  That wasn’t my normal, how could that even happen?  I was scared to live like that.  Sure, I thought that would be cool, but it was really scary that I could even have a life like that.  What would it take to get there? What would it be like?  I was terrified, and quite honestly, I was not completely sure why since happiness should have been a great thing, but it just wasn’t something I was used to.

My therapists over the years have told me that for many people recovery can be scary.  So I hope I am not alone in this.  I have talked to some other people that have expressed the same sentiments about it.  Today, I am not 100% happy.  I still struggle with low grade depression.  I still have fleeting suicidal thoughts.  I have horrible anxiety.  But, I am a lot better than before.  I have only been hospitalized 2x in over 1.5 years opposed to the 15 times in 1.5 years before.  I have made a lot of progress.

Recovery doesn’t seem so scary anymore.

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5 thoughts on “Recovery is a Scary Thought”

  1. I used to be scared of it too, until I had nearly a year of remission. (I don’t know what other term fits.) It was strange, being happy and realizing that’s what normal people feel like–not hating their life, not constantly wanting to die. Now, I would do anything to get that back, but nothing works.

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  2. Knowing that it has been better before, since you mentioned you had nearly a year of remission, then you can always get back to that point. How long it will take and what will get you there this time will be different than before, but it will happen. Every time I fall back a bit, the same thing that worked before doenst always work again, and it isn’t always as quick or isn’t always as slow as before getting back to where I was/am. But I know I have felt good (or content anyway) before, so I know it can happen again. That is what I keep telling myself to keep going. Just keep trying anything and everything

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  3. Recovery is scary and, at least for me, things keep coming out of the closet that demand attention. I’m still amazed at how much things have changed in the last year, but the change is slow and I have a long long way to go. Patience my friend.

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