WordPress- Post a Day
As a kid, you must have imagined what it was like to be an adult. Now that you’re a grownup (or becoming one), how far off was your idea of adult life?
Today, I have made it to the age of 26. I never thought I would live this long. I never thought I would make it past high school to be honest. Depression plagued me. Suicidal thoughts invaded my brain from the time I was 11. I didn’t necessarily think I would take my own life, but I sincerely thought I would be dead before I ever reached the legal age of adulthood – the legal age to buy a cigarette or a few years later when I could drink my problems and thoughts down with alcohol.
I created a fantasy world for those around me of what my life as an adult would be. Never for myself though. I never believed it. My world as an adult was created to please my parents, my teachers, and my friends. I created wild dreams of what I would be and who I would become. I pediatric oncologist! I saw Patch Adams and loved the movie – yes I would follow in his footsteps. I would make kids smile, I would create my own free clinic to help those in need. I would get amazing scholarships so no one would have to pay for my school.
I told everyone!!! Yes, I am going to be a doctor. Not just any doctor. I want to be an oncologist. A pediatric oncologist! I am going to make kid smile. “Won’t that be sad?” they asked. “Well, yes. Sometimes. But you have to look at all the lives I will save!” I would tell them. I knew none of it would ever happen. I would never have to prove any of this to them. This was all a fantasy, I would never be an adult. I would never live to have to actually do any of this.
Mental illness is a horrible thing. It distorts your views. I did grow up. I did take AP classes in high school. I did get amazing grades despite my awful suicidal thoughts and severe depression. I went to college. I majored in nursing. I barely got through my last 2 years as I was hospitalized for psychiatric reason 8-10 times during those last 1.5 years. But I had amazing grades, and I did receive my RN. I had a nurse fellowship at a outpatient oncology clinic. I loved it. It did seem to be my calling. Mental illness is something I struggle with though. I don’t practice as a nurse right now. I know it is something that is too overwhelming for me and something that I cannot do at this time. It is still part of my childhood fantasy – something that I created for others, not for myself.
I am alive though. That is pretty far off from what my childhood view was of my adult life. My biggest view during childhood was that I would be dead. Here I am though, in the flesh, alive – heart beating, mind thinking. Totally opposite!