Post a Day – Looking Back, I’m Still Alive

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As a kid, you must have imagined what it was like to be an adult. Now that you’re a grownup (or becoming one), how far off was your idea of adult life?

 

Today, I have made it to the age of 26.  I never thought I would live this long.  I never thought I would make it past high school to be honest.  Depression plagued me.  Suicidal thoughts invaded my brain from the time I was 11.  I didn’t necessarily think I would take my own life, but I sincerely thought I would be dead before I ever reached the legal age of adulthood – the legal age to buy a cigarette or a few years later when I could drink my problems and thoughts down with alcohol.

I created a fantasy world for those around me of what my life as an adult would be.  Never for myself though. I never believed it.  My world as an adult was created to please my parents, my teachers, and my friends.  I created wild dreams of what I would be and who I would become.  I pediatric oncologist!  I saw Patch Adams and loved the movie – yes I would follow in his footsteps.  I would make kids smile, I would create my own free clinic to help those in need.  I would get amazing scholarships so no one would have to pay for my school. 

I told everyone!!!  Yes, I am going to be a doctor.  Not just any doctor. I want to be an oncologist.  A pediatric oncologist!  I am going to make kid smile.  “Won’t that be sad?” they asked.  “Well, yes. Sometimes.  But you have to look at all the lives I will save!” I would tell them.  I knew none of it would ever happen.  I would never have to prove any of this to them.  This was all a fantasy, I would never be an adult. I would never live to have to actually do any of this. 

Mental illness is a horrible thing.  It distorts your views.  I did grow up.  I did take AP classes in high school.  I did get amazing grades despite my awful suicidal thoughts and severe depression.  I went to college.  I majored in nursing.  I barely got through my last 2 years as I was hospitalized for psychiatric reason 8-10 times during those last 1.5 years.   But I had amazing grades, and I did receive my RN.  I had a nurse fellowship at a outpatient oncology clinic. I loved it.  It did seem to be my calling.  Mental illness is something I struggle with though.  I don’t practice as a nurse right now.  I know it is something that is too overwhelming for me and something that I cannot do at this time.  It is still part of my childhood fantasy – something that I created for others, not for myself. 

I am alive though.  That is pretty far off from what my childhood view was of my adult life.  My biggest view during childhood was that I would be dead. Here I am though, in the flesh, alive – heart beating, mind thinking.  Totally opposite!

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7 thoughts on “Post a Day – Looking Back, I’m Still Alive”

  1. I still have a few years before I pass the mark where I thought that I’d be dead by, but lately, I’ve become pretty sure that my earlier predictions were incorrect, and that I’m going to make it much longer. I used to think I’d hit 25 and pull the trigger, but now I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen. I’m fortunate, I suppose. My outlook on life isn’t nearly as grim as it used to be. Not that it isn’t still grim, but it’s not AS grim.

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  2. That’s great that it is not as grim as before! I definitely still feel like I am not going to make it much longer some days. But it is nice to know that I have made it this long, which gives me the strength to push myself to keep trying. The battle within our minds is hard though. It’s great that you have a more positive outlook though, that is what is important!

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing. I have to confess that I don’t read many blogs but when I saw your post I began to read it and I couldn’t stop. Your blog is amazing. It felt as if I had written this myself as I could relate to your every word. Thank you for being brave and sharing with the world.

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