Yesterday I broke down. My anxiety consumed me. I tried to use my copings skills – I went out, went to Michaels – bought some more canvas and paint to come home and paint. I couldn’t handle it though. “Hurt yourself.” “Cut yourself” “Hit yourself” “Break a bone” My brain kept wanting to find a way out of this feeling of extreme dread and torture that was going on.
The minute I got home I knew I couldn’t do what my brain was saying. I had done that before. I did that for two years and all it did was get me put in the hospital, in the ICU, the ER, and the psych hospital. I couldn’t go back to that. I cant go back to that. I am trying to stay in recovery. I am trying to get my life back and stay on track.
I called 211. It connected me to the local crisis line. It is easier than dialing the suicide hotline, all I have to remember is 211 rather than a bunch of numbers, plus the suicide crisis line would connect me to 211 anyway, since it just connects you to your local crisis line. For those of you who don’t know what 211 is – it is a free and confidential informational and referral line available in most cities/counties in the United States. They can connect you with resources to find help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more – and in my area also provide the crisis/suicide line.
Anyway, I spent 33 minutes talking to a wonderful volunteer. Probably 15 minutes crying my eyes out. Eventually we came up with a plan, had some laughs, and I am feeling better. Thank goodness I got my mind set straight because I do not want to end up back in the hospital!
I was assured I could call back as many times as I needed, 24 hours a day, and they could help me.
Today was a rough day, and I suspect it is going to be a rough week. Honestly, I think it is going to be a rough few months. I don’t think my meds are working right, or not well enough anyway – perhaps a dosage adjustment. I don’t think my doctor is getting my anxiety under control at all – at least not quick enough. I know that I can’t give up though. I know not to go back to my old habit – which was just not thinking and just doing. I know I cant be impulsive anymore. Not that it is that easy, impulse is impulse, but I can still keep working on it.
If you are in a crisis reach out for help:
National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
In the UK? Call the Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90