Daily Post – I Wanted To Feel Human, I wanted to Feel Alive. I Thought Suicide Could Do This

Word Press Post A Day – After an especially long and exhausting drive or flight, a grueling week at work, or a mind-numbing exam period — what’s the one thing you do to feel human again?

 

Feeling alive again, feeling human again.  How I long for those sometimes.  It is so easy for me to just feel numb and dead.  My depression can take over.  It can consume me.  Lifting a piece of paper, can feel like I just moved a boulder. 

Three years ago, I wouldn’t have done anything to feel alive.  After a grueling week, an exhausting week, a horrible exam, or anything that just overwhelmed me — I would have attempted suicide.  If I was alive, then I could die.  Bizarre thought process right?  That is how it was for me though.  Mental illness was lying to me, it was messing up my thoughts, my emotions, and really destroying my life.  Over and over again I attempted suicide, landed in the ER, the ICU, and in psych hospitals

Today, I don’t do that anymore.  I still have the suicidal thoughts, yes.  I reach out for help before anything happens though.  I also use my coping skills.  To feel alive, I paint, I juggle, I draw, I write, I spend time in nature, I do anything and everything to keep me from ruminating on whatever it was that made me have an exhausting or overwhelming situation.  I don’t do one thing to feel human again.  I can’t do one thing – for me, I have to do multiple things, I have to keep trying things and if one thing does work, I have to move on to another thing. If I don’t do that, then I might fall back into my old pattern – and I don’t want that.  If that happens, then I won’t even be able to be alive. 

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21 thoughts on “Daily Post – I Wanted To Feel Human, I wanted to Feel Alive. I Thought Suicide Could Do This”

  1. I find that keeping myself occupied helps me from being a victim of depression, too.
    Going outside with friends and family, painting and signing up for classes (Origami, dancing etc.) does the trick for me and may be good choices.
    Stay strong, and perhaps set a strong goal for the future that will carry you through. 🙂

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  2. Thanks for the encouragement – I actually just got accepted to grad school! I am hoping that will keep me busy. It was a big decision and something I am hoping will not stress me out to much and overwhelm me as I have not done much these past two years. I am definitely going to have to do some of these other things you have said though to keep my mind off of just studying all the time so I don’t get overwhelmed!

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  3. Congratulations, I really hope you enjoy and make the most out of the graduate school. 🙂
    Study healthily, and keep discovering things you may love.
    I wish you the best, good luck! 🙂

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  4. Congratulations on your acceptance to grad school. 🙂 Hopefully, it will help you somewhat by keeping your mind focused on learning new things. I consider myself extremely lucky not to suffer from depression and my heart goes out to you. I have good friends who’ve been suicidal, who’ve had ECT and are constantly juggling their medications for optimum benefit. I can see the emptiness behind their eyes that isn’t there when they are well. I can feel their numbness and inability to move. I can’t even imagine how dreadful this would be to have to cope with. My own illness is a physical one and causes me a great deal of physical pain and difficulty – yet, I’d keep it any day rather than trade it for mental illness. What you’re going through, I believe, is far more difficult than what I go through. People who judge you are so incredibly ignorant; how can they not realize that you, and others like you, are coping with something THEY will never have to face? In my mind, you’re courageous. Love and light.

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  5. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. Any chronic condition is awful to deal with. I greatly appreciate your well wishes!

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  6. Yes, I am very thankful that I have been able to do so as well. It took a lot of work to do so and a lot of helpful therapists and psychiatrists over the years, but I am here and working to stay here!

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  7. Depression is a real bitch. At times it is as frustrating and complex and life draining for the care giver as it is for the patient. I am so glad that you are multi tasking yourself and keeping an active life agenda and positive life attitude for yourself. Never give up on yourself. Thank you for sharing. Take care and God bless.

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  8. Thanks for liking my post. I just read yours. Juggling is good– it’s hard to think about anything else while juggling. I can juggle 3 things (not too different things) with two hands, or 2 things (very similar, like bean bags or lemons) with either hand, briefly. If you start learning a musical instrument, that can get you through when nothing else can. Just remember– something beats nothing.

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