Word Press Post A Day – Back on January 21st, we asked you to predict what day #211 would be like. Well, July 30th is that day — how have your predictions held up so far? If you didn’t reply to the prompt at the time, is this year turning out to be as you’d expected?
I wasn’t even on WordPress back on January 21st, so I definitely didn’t predict what today would be like. I do often think about my future though. I think about my past and my future quite a bit. I look back on my past and question why things happened, what would have happened if I had done something different, why didn’t I do this or that. I focus a lot on my past. People always say to look towards the future though. I listen to them, I do look towards the future. I question my future just as much as I question my past. What is it going to be like, am I ever going to be “normal.” Yes, yes, what is normal? I guess I should say, am I ever going to overcome this mental illness completely? Will I be able to hold a job, be happy, be able to socialize with others without being in a panic, will I ever just be ok? I can’t say that back in January I was expecting for that to all magically happen in July, especially on this day – but I do wonder if it will happen, and if it does, when will it happen.
I know it won’t though. I know I am battling a lifelong battle. I know that I am always going to struggle. And sometimes, even seeing a future for myself in general is hard.
In January, I did expect July to be better than what it has turned out to be. I was hoping that I would be happier. I was actually planning on moving back up to Indiana earlier in the summer, but in January I resigned my lease to stay an extra year here, to give it another chance. I thought by now, I would have found out that it was nice here. It is nice here, but I’m not happy here, well not happy yet. I suppose I still have until April of 2015 to find out if signing that lease for another year made a difference or not. I just thought it would have happened already.
Living with mental illness is hard. You can’t focus too much on the past. You cant focus to much on the future either though. There are too many what if’s both ways. Too many should I have, could I have, and why’s. The questions are endless. I really have to stay in the present moment, and just think about today.