Tonight was a rough night.
Today actually started out amazing! I got great news – which I will reveal in a later post at some point.
But, the day ended horribly! I feel bad and I don’t feel bad at the same time. I went to a support group meeting and spent some time talking to a few friends after. We got into a discussion that just ended with me blowing up. I majored in sociology and am extremely open minded and liberal. Anyway, yes, I should have been more open to letting them have their views, but I guess when it comes to social issues regarding race and social justice – I just cant sit back on stuff when specific comments are made. They were not saying horrible things or anything of that matter – don’t get me wrong. But it still struck a chord with me. I just blew up, I lashed out, I yelled.
The things is, I feel bad about how I reacted, but I don’t feel bad about what I said. My anxiety and depression haven’t been the best lately, and I don’t want to blame my reaction on my mental illness, but I also don’t think I would have had that reaction if my meds were working correctly. I did gain control and just walk off – granted it was in the middle of me yelling – I walked off in the middle of it before I kept doing it.
I feel really bad though. I feel like a failure. I feel like I just messed up my life again. I literally started this day off on such a high note! And I ended up so low. When I woke up, I had this plan of completely starting my life over, not that I can’t still do that. I just feel like, if I was going to do that and then already fell so deep within 24 hours – how can I keep going?
I know I will get over this. I know life will go on. But getting into arguments with your friends sucks! These people are my main support system here. I go to this support group, and I only am close to a few of these people in it, and I just yelled at 2 of them. I don’t even know if I want to go back?! I know things will go back to normal, but it is going to take time. And that makes my anxiety worse, and my depression worse. I feel like I lost my support system – and it was my fault. I always screw things up.
I’m going to try to not think about it all though. I may take a day off tomorrow – I may get on and off here, look around, try to do the daily prompt, but if I don’t get on here — I think I might just take some time to decompress after what happened. Let out my pent up anger and anxiety that I have held in over the years from the abuse and trauma and everything else that I am only now dealing with.