Frustration, Arguments with Friends, Life, Everything

Tonight was a rough night. 

Today actually started out amazing!  I got great news – which I will reveal in a later post at some point.

But, the day ended horribly!  I feel bad and I don’t feel bad at the same time.  I went to a support group meeting and spent some time talking to a few friends after.  We got into a discussion that just ended with me blowing up.  I majored in sociology and am extremely open minded and liberal.  Anyway, yes, I should have been more open to letting them have their views, but I guess when it comes to social issues regarding race and social justice – I just cant sit back on stuff when specific comments are made.  They were not saying horrible things or anything of that matter – don’t get me wrong.  But it still struck a chord with me.  I just blew up, I lashed out, I yelled. 

The things is, I feel bad about how I reacted, but I don’t feel bad about what I said.  My anxiety and depression haven’t been the best lately, and I don’t want to blame my reaction on my mental illness, but I also don’t think I would have had that reaction if my meds were working correctly.  I did gain control and just walk off – granted it was in the middle of me yelling – I walked off in the middle of it before I kept doing it. 

I feel really bad though. I feel like a failure.  I feel like I just messed up my life again.  I literally started this day off on such a high note!  And I ended up so low.  When I woke up, I had this plan of completely starting my life over, not that I can’t still do that.  I just feel like, if I was going to do that and then already fell so deep within 24 hours – how can I keep going? 

I know I will get over this.  I know life will go on.  But getting into arguments with your friends sucks!  These people are my main support system here.  I go to this support group, and I only am close to a few of these people in it, and I just yelled at 2 of them.  I don’t even know if I want to go back?!  I know things will go back to normal, but it is going to take time.  And that makes my anxiety worse, and my depression worse.  I feel like I lost my support system – and it was my fault.  I always screw things up. 

I’m going to try to not think about it all though.  I may take a day off tomorrow – I may get on and off here, look around, try to do the daily prompt, but if I don’t get on here — I think I might just take some time to decompress after what happened.  Let out my pent up anger and anxiety that I have held in over the years from the abuse and trauma and everything else that I am only now dealing with.   

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11 thoughts on “Frustration, Arguments with Friends, Life, Everything”

  1. I think you should re-read this post as if a friend was saying all of this to you – what would you respond with? What words of kindness would you offer? What advice? I think it’s important that you do that and hear how your critical voice dominates most of it, and we needn’t listen to that. 🙂

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  2. Hey Marie, I’ve no profound words of wisdom to offer here, except to say I’ve been there and definitely done that! And yet, my friends stayed. The one who is most guilty about this is you (and when it happens to me, it’s me)! All things change, all things pass. This too, shall get better!! Hang in there….

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  3. I had a big fight with my brother a few weeks ago- the kind where we said some really hurtful things to one another and didn’t talk for days afterwards. But time is a great healer. As days go by it does get better. Everyone has had a chance to calm down. It’s not easy and it’s not instant, but it does get better.

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  4. Heyyy, don’t be so hard on yourself. I am sure your friends will forgive you. Instead of waking up and saying that you will start your life over, perhaps set small goals for yourself. I feel like the former will only lead to disappointment while the latter will help you reach the bigger goal.

    I am enjoying your blog and appreciate your honesty. Much love.

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  5. Thanks. And I definitely need to set small goals. I guess for me it’s either all or nothing especially when my bipolar isn’t controlled and I am going between a manic phase or depressive phase. Gotta learn to take those smaller steps

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  6. Great post. I think it is human nature to be protective of things we are passionate about, so that is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes the challenge is remembering that others may be just as passionate but it contrasts with your personal view.

    The fact that you are self aware of what happened tells me the depth of your character. I think you will persevere and overcome! Have faith in yourself.

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  7. Thank you. And yes, I usually am quite open minded about accepting that we all have our own views, which is why I am so frustrated at how I responded. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.

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