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After my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) I struggled to accept it. I battled in my mind over if I really had it or not. Quite honestly, I had some therapists that kind of disagreed about it too, which made me wonder even more.
When I really look at the traits though, I am pretty sure I do have enough of them to meet the criteria. I waiver back and forth on if I do meet it or not, but I think that is because I want to convince myself I don’t have it.
There is one criteria that I know I completely meet though:
—- identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
Throughout my entire life I have never known who I really was. I went to quite a few different schools. Two elementary schools, Three Middle Schools, and Two High Schools. I hung out with different types of people at all of them. I conformed to whatever behavior and pattern I needed to. I didn’t really have my own identity. If I would have been put in a room with all of them together, I wouldn’t have known how to act. Who would I have conformed to? Which group would I have identified with? Would I have identified with any of them?
To this day, I don’t know who I am. I don’t dye my hair or cut it often. I don’t change my clothing style all the time. No one would think or feel that I cannot really figure out who I am.
I am on disability, and quite honestly, am not exactly stable enough to hold a job at this point. I am working at my own pace to get a degree though, which I am hoping will lead me to a job and stability since I am going to have more structure in my life.
Even with this though, is it what I really want? I went to college and got 2 Bachelors degrees. My mental illness definitely stopped me from being able to use them, but I questioned my main one (nursing) during those last two years when my mental illness was getting bad. I couldn’t figure out who I was or what I wanted.
Now, am I doing the right thing? Will I be able to follow through with this? Will I like it and keep it and enjoy it? Is it me?
I think it is. I am going to stay positive about it of course.
I just know that I have struggled with finding myself. Who I am. Who I want to be and who I can identify with and trust. I feel like I don’t know how to act or socialize. I feel somewhat disconnected from everyone and I don’t know how to connect unless I follow them. If that makes sense?
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, or if anyone else feels this way at all. But that has been my experience with the identity issue that goes along with BPD.
Does anyone else experience this trait of BPD? What are your symptoms like with it?
A great perspective from a spouse of someone with bipolar!
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.-Thomas A. Edison
Your story isn’t over yet.
Well, I am broke and so I went to change my cable/internet plan today. When I moved here, to keep myself distracted I signed up for cable along with Internet because as a bundle it is fairly well priced. Of course you sign a 2 year contract and the 1st year it is super cheap with all these discounts and the second year they jack up the price. So I decided all I really need is internet. So I went to switch it. I come home, hook up my own router….ugh it is not working. Of course since I am using my own equipment they will not troubleshoot it. They want me to pay $100 for their router. Needless to say after 3 hours on the phone I gave up. A few hours later I decided to try their online chat. I got a friendly rep who worked to try to solve it, decided he couldn’t, and id’s sending a tech out Monday!
Soo no Internet til then. I have a few posts scheduled before then, but since I just have my phone and data plan I probably won’t be on here to respond to anything much.
I hope you all have a great weekend though! Mine will be incredibly boring I am sure. I am either going so sleep or perhaps force myself to leave my apartment