Contemplating Suicide? Don’t. Scream for help instead.

Excellent post about suicide, why it is horrible trying to commit suicide, and resources if you need to reach out for help (specifically in the UK)

Post A Day – He Followed His Passion

Word Press Post A Day – We often capture strangers in photos we take in public. Open your photo library, and stop at the first picture that features a person you don’t know. Now tell the story of that person.

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He was feeding stay kittens.  There were 5 of them.  We were in an old church in Malaysia.  He drew these amazing pictures, both in pencil and it acrylic paint.  I have never seen any that were so good.  He didn’t even ask for much – only 10 ringgit for the pencil drawings and around 65-75 ringgit for the paintings.  In American money – that is nothing!  (ex. About $3.50 for the pencil drawings).

There were quite a few artists set up at this church, and a lot of them were actually quite good.  He had many people buying from him though.  What set him apart?  He was feeding these poor, helpless, defenseless, little kittens.  According to him – everyday he would bring them food and water.  Not just any cat food, but canned cat food.  The good stuff.  He had food bowls for them, the food, and a bottle full of water to pour for them.  He had named them and knew which was which.  They seemed to really love him too (more than just because he had the food).  They knew him and would play in his backpack, would cuddle with him, and purr around his leg.

He was a native of Malaysia.  He grew up there his whole life.  He hadn’t gone to school over grade school, and didn’t earn much money.  This was his job – drawing.  He knew he was good at it and wanting to make a living off of it.  He didn’t earn much money, probably because he really didn’t charge much money.  Honestly, I bet the tourists would have paid a lot more for his drawings.  He even was giving discounts to those that bought multiple drawings – and people were buying a lot of them, including myself.

On this trip, I met a stranger.  I stranger that showed love and care to those that couldn’t care for themselves.  That isn’t a quality that you really see in today’s world.  Not many people do possess that anymore.  This world is about competiveness – at least in America from what I have experienced. From my earliest days in school it has been about getting the best grades, being the best student, participating in the most activities, being the best in the class, learning the most – all so you can get in the best college/university – which will get you the best job/career.  This will ultimately make you the most money.

But he – he didn’t even care about this.  He did what he was passionate about.  He followed his passion and he took care of these defenseless animals.  He didn’t make the most money.  He was ok with his life.

I know that money does make life easier – it definitely does.  You don’t struggle to pay bills, you can buy food much easier and pay for a house/apartment.  You can pay for your doctors and medication.  It definitely can make life much easier.  But it can also make life a lot more complicated too.  I know you need money to live off of.  That is definitely a fact.

But I do think that our lives would be much better if we weren’t all about the competitiveness that we face today.  When I met this stranger – I learned that.  My mental health is in my genes, it is a chemical imbalance.  But it was also affected by the environmental factors around me.  Things in my life can help it or hurt it.  Growing up in a competitive world where I was expected to be the best, hurt it.  I had to hide that I was hurting because I had to be the best, I couldn’t show weakness.

This stranger showed me otherwise.  You don’t have to be the best.  You can just be yourself.

The Worst Day of My Life

Trigger warning — discusses suicide.

It was the lowest day in my life.  My depression hit a wall.  I didn’t know what to do anymore.  I had been out of college, graduated 5 months prior, in December 2011.  It was May 2012 now.  I had no money.  I had quit my job in March, but it was a student job from my college, and I wasn’t a student anymore so I was bound to lose it at some point anyway.

My parents had been paying most of my bills.  Even with my job, I didn’t have enough money for rent and food.  They wouldn’t do it anymore.  I couldn’t blame them.  Rent, food, even my students loans – they were paying for them.  They cut me off.  My lease ended at the end of May.

I had to move home to Texas to live with my mom and her husband or I was homeless, in Indiana.  Neither option was a good choice.  I didn’t want to move to Texas.  I hated it there.  I wasn’t fond of my mom’s husband nor was I fond of my relationship with my mom – living together for more than 2 weeks usually ended up in a disaster with arguments galore.

So back to the worst day of my life —

I decided I could live anymore.  I was done.  I had attempted to end my life multiple times before.  I had failed many times before.  Usually, I called for help.  I realized it was the wrong choice.  I realized I didn’t really want to die, just wanted the pain to end.  This time, it was different though.  I went all out – I was determined to die.  I was ready to die.  I didn’t want to be saved.  It wasn’t a cry for help.

It was still an overdose, as usual.  I didn’t take the pills all at once though.  I strategically took them over time.  Ten pills here, ten pills there, ten pills here… over a course of 24 hours.  They slowly built up in my system.  My liver was toxic.  My case manager met with me the next morning.  I didn’t tell her anything.  The tone of my voice and the negativity in my voice I suppose let her know that I was having the suicidal thoughts though.  She left, but 30 minutes later called me back.  I answered and she asked me how I was.  Of course, I said fine.  She said she would call me again.  I couldn’t understand how she knew something was going on.  Before she ever called me back – there was banging on my door.  The police, paramedics… they were all at my door.  I refused, I refused to go anywhere.  Because of my past history of suicide attempts though, they could get a court order and have me taken in – with handcuffs and all if I did not go.  So I went.

The paramedics took me, I refused to tell them anything.  Blood tests were taken and showed that my liver was at toxic levels and I was very close to actually dying.  They couldn’t believe I was not sick, that I wasn’t in horrible pain from how my levels were.  I told them I refused treatment, I wanted to go home.  Absolutely not – it was not going to happen.  Mucomyst – it is the antidote to Tylenol overdose.  I was given it, immediately.  It also made me incredibly ill.  Police were outside of my door since I was set on leaving and not being treated.  I was throwing up and became very ill.  They gave me Reglan to combat the vomiting.  That was a mistake because I was allergic to Reglan.  My face swelled.  I got hives all over.  I couldn’t breathe well.  I was going to die!  Nope — then I got Benadryl.  I was miserable.  What a miserable way to be.  A few friends from my NAMI support group came to be with me.  They sat with me, disappointed that I had gone to these lengths.  I was upset.  I was upset that I didn’t die.  Yet I was happy.  I was happy that someone cared enough to save me.  I didn’t know how I felt.  I was horribly ill – mentally and physically.  I was supposed to be sent to the ICU, but the ER was trying to stabilize me from all the reactions I was having to the medications to combat the overdose.  Finally, I was sent to the ICU.

I spent 5 days in the ICU.  Maybe 4.  I’m not sure.  I was then released into a psychiatric hospital.  I spent two weeks there.  I had been to that hospital before, many times.  They weren’t surprised to see me.  Upon my release I only had a few days to be out of my apartment because my lease was up.

I won’t forget that day though.  The day I attempted suicide.  Sure, I had done it before – but that day, it was the worst attempt I had ever had.  It was the attempt I really wanted.  The attempt I had hoped would actually work.  It was right near my mother’s birthday, right near Mother’s Day.  It was the attempt that actually really hurt my family.  The one that made everyone realize that I was struggling really bad.  It was the day that I realized I was hurting everyone around me whenever I hurt myself.  It was the day that I realized I would probably never attempt suicide by overdose again either – hopefully never attempt suicide again period too.

I have had really crappy days since then.  I have had horrible days.  I have still had my suicidal thoughts and been back in the hospital since then.  But, when I think of the worst day, that is the worst day that comes to mind.  It was caused by all the horrible things that happened before me.  The culmination of all my past events that made my mind go crazy, it was caused by my chemical imbalances … and all those things just created the worst day ever.  The lowest day in my life.  The lowest point in my life.

Are you a bully?

I never thought I was a bully,

Until I heard how I talked to myself.

I think I owe myself an apology.

Liebster Award

I was nominated for the Liebster Award by my fellow blogger, blainecindy on July 24, 2014.

I was really grateful to receive the reward, but I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to participate, which is why it has taken me so long to actually post about it.  I had just started my blog about that time and I was of course unsure about going about doing awards and a little shy.

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* As a recipient of this award, there are a few things that are asked of me:

  • Thank the person who nominated you for the award.  — So, thank you very much!!!  I really am grateful, and I am sorry that it took me so long.  I think I even told you that I wasn’t going to participate, but it really was because I was unsure about how to go about doing it.  I was shy about starting by blog.  But I really appreciate the nomination and I am not ready to accept it fully!!!  Thank you!!!
  • Display the banner/sticker/logo on your blog. (I still am not completely sure about this, but I will put it on this post for now… and I am going to create a separate page to put it on as well – does that count?)
  • List 11 facts about yourself. — below!
  • List your nominees. — you are listed!

1. I broke my pinky finger when I was 8, and now it is completely deformed – it looks like a worm actually, it goes up and down, not in a straight line.  Kind of fun to freak people out with!  And it is shorter than my other pinky finger.

2.  I have traveled quite a bit in the US and I love visiting national parks!  I wish I could travel more internationally though.  So far I have been to Canada (doesn’t count since I live in the US though) and Malaysia, the Cayman Islands and Cozumel.  My dream place to go would be South Africa though!

3.  My favorite number is 8.  If you ever ask me to pick a number between anything (1-100, 1- 10000, etc)… it will be 8.

4. I love kids, but I will never have a baby.  Adoption, I am ok with adoption.  In fact, I would love to adopt a kid.  I would adopt an older kid though – they never seem to get adopted – or rarely anyway.  Everyone wants babies though.  Something about a baby coming out of me personally though — yeah, I just don’t want that.

5. I have hated life most of my life – even as a young kid, but I am started to learn to live again.  I still don’t like it completely, but I am at least not miserable all the time.  That is a good feeling.

6.  I have two Bachelors Degrees – neither of which I use.  Going to college took $80,000 of my money, and I want it back!

7.  I had a surgery that paralyzed my right shoulder and arm.  It was paralyzed for about 1.5 years or so.  I began getting movement back at 10 months, but didn’t get most of it back til 1.5 years.  I was in occupational therapy for 2 years.  I still only have 80% of my range of motion back and have chronic nerve pain.

8.  Giraffes are my FAVORITE animal.  (we are at my favorite number!)

9.  Oooh, number 9! At age 9, we moved into the coolest house I ever lived in!

10.  I missed 97 days of school in the 8th grade because I was so stressed out about being molested by a teacher in the 7th grade.  Everyone thought I was just really sick and was passing out because I was developing lupus or something, so I kept having to go to the doctors.

11.  I can juggle!  It is a pretty good stress relief!

 

Nominees:

Facing the Predator

Anxious Izzy

Out of Great Need

The Secret Me

Peace Within Chaos

Wandering Through The Wilderness

woundstofeel

B. is for Bipolar

My Thoughts are Pollution

Mental Infusion

Autism Thoughts

I chose all of you because you are all very honest about your thoughts and feelings.  I see your struggles and hopes and how open you are about life.  Whether you write poetry or just journal, I am opened up to the thoughts in your minds and it makes me feel and relate to everything going on – it makes me not feel alone.

And as I said, originally I was not going to post about this award, so I understand if you do not wish to partake in it – however, just know that I love your blogs!

And if anyone else is reading, check these blogs out!

 

 

 

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Special thanks goes out to woundstofeel  who nominated livingbreathingbeing (me!) for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award.  I’m very honored to receive this. To be honest, I wasn’t going to participate in awards at all.  After some thought though, I have decided that, yes, I am, it is an honor and I am going to! Blogging helps me get through days.  It has helped me be more positive about life and focus on my recovery.  I don’t always feel like it, but I realize that I end up doing multiple posts a day almost every day.  I even write posts for future days!

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With that said, it’s my turn to nominate some bloggers that I have had the honor of reading. Their words have helped me feel support and strength, from people I don’t know otherwise.

The rules for this list of nominees:

1. The nominee shall display the Very Inspiring Blogger Award logo on her/his blog, and link to the blog they got nominated from.

2. The nominee shall nominate fifteen (15) bloggers she/he admires, by linking to their blogs and informing them about it.

And the nominees are:

Kitt O’Malley

Rose with Thorns

My OCD Voice

Mandas Recovery

Cheery Thunder

QuirkyBirdWords

Sophie Brexx

Silence Shattered

Janet Cate

Vines in My Mind

Killing me Softly

I know we were supposed to nominate 15 – but honestly I do not follow too many blogs as I generally go through different tags instead.  Perhaps I should follow more of those I like and comment on. However, these were my top 11 which have touched my in many ways.  They speak from their hearts about their struggles and/or do a great job discussing the issues of mental health/illness.