I Hate Mania

Risky behaviors. $$$$$  Frustration.  HAPPY!!!! Anger.  Noooo ZzzzZzzZzz’s.  A million thoughts going through your head!

Mania Mania Mania.

When you are bipolar, you are up you are down.  When you are up, you are manic.  I’ll be honest, with my bipolar – I am depressed 97% of the time.  I really haven’t had any major manic episodes – maybe 3 real manic episodes ever.  The rest have been hypomania.  I have been in severe depressive episodes the majority of the time.

When I have gone into a manic episode though – mine is not a happy or good mania.  It isn’t really a productive mania either.  I kind of got the short straw when it came to mania.  I do want to do a lot of things, but I want to do so many things, I start them all and go from one thing to another and so none of them get done.

So why is my mania not a good mania?  Well – I don’t really get happy so much.  I get irritated, I get agitated.  People seem to bother me a lot more.  When I am depressed, people bother me, but I don’t seem to have the energy to deal with them.  I will yell or get mad, but I tend to just cry when I get frustrated.  When I am manic – I have the energy to yell back and argue back and carry on with it.  I don’t get physical and never have but I have those thoughts, my anger consumes me.

I also spend a lot of money.  Way too much money.  I have no idea what I am doing – I don’t think about the consequences of it at all.  I am on disability because of my mental illness.  I have no money whatsoever to be spending.  When I am manic though, I am not even thinking about that.  I just feel the need to buy something to keep my mind distracted, to keep my mind busy.  Everything seems interesting to me.  My mind sees something and I have a million thoughts on how I could use it and why I need it.  Or I do things that I have no way of returning.  I feel like I can save the world.  I donate money to charities and give money to people.  Not like $1 or even $10.  I donate $100’s, and one time — a heck of a lot more than that.  Yes, my credit card was not happy with me.  I am glad it went to a good cause, but my bank account suffered – as did my refrigerator, pantry, and stomach and other bills.

I tend to do other reckless things too.  Speeding, not horribly bad, but normally I am a very safe driver, so speeding is just crazy to me.  Usually it is at night, cause I normally am only out at night after a NAMI meeting.  But I feel like I am flying, ruling the world (of course when I am manic I have these crazy delusions).  I tend to catch myself when I am doing this, and as I said, I never speed horribly, but the fact that it happens in the first place is something that definitely sets me apart from when I am not manic.

My lack of sleep is ridiculous.  I can stay up all night, all day, all night.  Or I may sleep, but only for an hour or two.  I don’t know how I do it.  I can pace my apartment, which is not big, so I don’t know how I don’t get bored? Seriously?  Or I will start all these projects, which I referred to earlier – but never finish any of them.  I will be inspired to paint pictures, draw zentangles, or draw abstract pictures.  I will stay up watching Netflix movies galore.  Everything just seems entertaining to me though. Or boring, everything can also seem boring – my mind will find it entertaining, and then suddenly switch to something else that is more entertaining.

The racing thoughts – they can drive you mad!  These tend to happen in mania or not, but they are a hundred times worse when I am manic.  From one thing to another.  I cant figure out what to do, where to go, who I want to talk to or see.

On that note, who I want to talk to or see —- I am suddenly social!?!  I have horrible social anxiety – what is going on?  I can talk to people, I can see people, I want to see people!  Mania does some crazy things to my brain.  Well, I guess this might be a good part of my mania – socialization is a good thing.

So, my mania — overall, it isn’t a good mania.  I hate my mania.  People always say they miss their manias.  They like their mania.  I don’t like mine.  I am so used to being depressed, severely depressed, that I don’t even know how to handle mania.  I prefer depression.  Even when I am not severely depressed, I have the low grade depression.  I think everyone would prefer to just be stable over all – feel happy, experience the sad when appropriate, but be stable.  That is what I hope for many times anyway.  I know it is not what I have been given though, but I know that I will manage what I do have.  I am going to battle these manic episodes and I am going to battle my depressive episodes.  I am not going to give in though.

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10 thoughts on “I Hate Mania”

  1. Thanks for this post – I can relate to a lot of what you go through with the mania / hypomania. The irritability and constant thoughts are what I dislike about my hypomania, and the inability to control my anger at others or situations. I enjoy reading your posts, the honesty is refreshing and they are always well written.

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  2. Thanks, I am glad that you enjoy reading them and are able to relate to them. Knowing that others get something out of it makes me more motivated to continue writing.

    Thanks for the comment 🙂

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  3. Definitely – keep writing. I completely agree, it really is a good motivation. You seem very good about being consistent with your posts too 🙂

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  4. I have to admit that mania, especially in reference to “risky” behaviors, has been the hardest thing for me to accept. There are still things with the last manic episode that my wife had that I have “accepted” but I am still trying to process emotionally.

    So tough and I feel for you!

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  5. Yeah, it is not the easiest thing for us or those around us. I know there are a lot of people that like it, but I think even those that like it, those around them have a hard time with it due to the results of it. It is a tricky symptom of bipolar to deal with

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  6. For me my mania has always been on the destructive side, none of the creative highs I read about from others, especially celebrities. Fortunately, seroquel has been my stabliser. No spending sprees on unwanted stuff and no endless pursuit of casual sex, as used to be the norm. All of the destructive behaviours are now in check. I go out and and am sociable. Maybe not as great as others but I get out there none the less. NO racing thoughts, NO suicidal thoughts, NO paranoid thoughts.

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  7. I always hear good things about seroquel minus the awful weight gain. I’m glad that it helped you! Sounds like it made a great change for the better

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  8. Interesting that your mania manifests that way. I do suppose I get irritated and agitated when I get really super high, when I haven’t slept for days and I’m borderline psychotic. Those aren’t fun times, fortunately they don’t happen often. But the hypomanic, yes, it’s awesome. And the manic, manic (what I experience most of the time) is also very cool for me. I love it. I’d go there all of the time if it weren’t for the negative consequences. Ramifications were even worse when I started drinking and abusing drugs of all sorts. I was always manic as far back as I can remember, varying degrees. My depression is not memorable, must not have been very much if I don’t remember it. But when I started taking medication to come down, damn, I’ve never been so depressed and hopeless and lethargic in my life. My whole body hurt. So I stopped taking the medication and then I took it again and then I didn’t and then I was in the hospital and then out and then medicated and not and hospital and you know. It went on like that for two years, the working toward getting better part, the being compliant part, the doing the “work” part, the part about tools in the tool belt to process and communicate and problem solve. Where am I now? Somewhere in between where I was before all of the hospitals and doctors and medications and the place I want to be. It’s like limbo, I’m not actively in treatment but I’m not better. I’m waiting and implementing and learning and it’s very weird. Thank you for sharing. I enjoy reading your posts.

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  9. Thanks for the comment and sharing your experience! It is interesting how our brains work as we all experience our illness in different ways. Which is also why it makes treating th em so hard, nothing works for everyone the same.

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