I used to write all the time. I had a journal on blogger and I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote about my depression, my frustrations, how much I hated life. I would write suicide notes and good bye letters. I wrote about how I thought suicide was ok and how those who loved me should be happy I was gone because I wasn’t in pain anymore. I had a physical, tangible journal too that my therapist gave me, and I wrote in that periodically as well – I would scribble down any thought that came to my head, over and over again, rambling on about everything – but it was always the bad stuff. I never counteracted any of the negative thoughts with good things. I never put any positive self talk in there or reminded myself about what was going on that was good.
I couldn’t see anything good around me – at all. There was good stuff though. My siblings cared a lot about me. I live no where near them, we are all in different states. We don’t even talk very much, but when we do, I can cry and let all my emotions out and they listen and understand. Each day, I have food and an apartment to stay in. Sure, I struggle to pay the bills and have food to eat — but I have it. There was a time in my life, that I basically was kicked out of my apartment and had to move back home or be homeless, and I attempted suicide because of it. I did not want to live with my mom. Now, I have those things. I have to think about that. I have a mental health team, I am able to have my medicine. I hate taking medicine, but it makes me stable. There were times I couldn’t pay for my medicine – now I can and it is works fairly well. I have struggled incredibly hard to find a good therapist and psychiatrist, but I have those now. I have a team that wants me to get better. There are good things in my life. I may think that life is horrible and miserable, but not everything is working against me like it may seem.
I started this blog because I was so focused on the negatives in my other blog. WordPress is a really active community and I wanted to be able to be involved with interacting with others. I wanted to discuss mental health issues. I wanted to be involved with reading about other interests of mine. I wanted to focus on positives.
I still have horrible days. Just two weeks ago (or something like that), I broke down. I called the crisis line and then a day later called my dad and about went to the psych hospital. I thought I was going to kill myself. Life isn’t perfect for me. My days can still get really shitty. I still get super depressed. But, I want to help people. And writing on here has helped me feel better. And talking with others on here has helped me feel better. Connecting with others that are going through the same thing, knowing I am not alone.
I’m going to eventually have the posts where I am hating life again, but I am hoping that those are few and far between. I’m sure starting grad school is going to make them happen a lot more frequently – bringing back memories related to my sexual abuse and rape. My PTSD is going to be stirred up even more than it has been lately with therapy. I hope to use this as a way to vent still, and get my frustration out, but in a more positive way than I was on my other online blog – which was quite negative as I was simply writing out my plans for death. Here I can just write out my thoughts and even ask for advice.
I really think that writing on here and connecting with others on here and seeing this as a support has really helped though. I hope that it continues to do that.