Not – “Why Did This Happen”, But “What Can I do Now, Where Can I Go From Here?

This blog has been a great release for me.  I have also said I still struggle.  At the moment, that last sentence is something that has been a problem for me.

It is a struggle that I am dealing with in a way I am not very much used to.  In fact, anything that is misspelled or looks weird in this I am sorry.

I have been dealing with trauma therapy.  It has been going well, I have an amazing therapist and am so grateful that I her.  She has stuck by me even when I could be open right away.  It is getting hardest though and I can’t stay present much.  Im awake then Im interacting with someone.  If I sit at home, going off, I dream, I imagine, I cry, its in my face, its happening to me.  Im fighting on the floor.  The thoughts are being yelled in my years

I took ambien cause I just feel myself leaving.  I talked to a friend from  my NAMI group.  I told her that my meds have made me better.  I am not severely depressed like how I was.  I do find joy at times.  I still have this underlying ever day depression though.  I still have this need to die though.  It is this bizarre need, like I have always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be alive.

Is it because of the childhood abuse?  Is it because of my genes?  It is because of both?  Nature, nurture, both?

I am not I will ever know what has cause my brain to hurt the way it hurts or have such hard feelings.

Anyway, I am on ambien and am completely falling asleep.  So as I said there maybe a completely a million mistakes and this may make no sense.  But I felt the need to write this.

Thinking our thoughts is hard.  Ruminating on why things happen can consume our lives.  From here, we really should just be asking, not why? but what now?

Not why did this happen. When did it happen?

But — What can I do now, from  this point forward, what can I do?Where Can I go From Here

Anyway, I am posted this ahead of time, so it should be posted in a few days, but I am totally tired from the medication now… so if it appears as if I should have been awake when it is up and posted, this is why 🙂  Best wishes everyone ! For some reason this was on my mind and I felt like writing it, perhaps I will re-write it or a follow up later though.

Please add your thoughts as well!

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7 thoughts on “Not – “Why Did This Happen”, But “What Can I do Now, Where Can I Go From Here?”

  1. In the near future, I don’t know if we will ever figure out why the brain works the way it does. Specifically why some brains seem to be “wired” differently from what is considered the “norm.”

    Despite that, I don’t think you should dwell on what you cannot control. As far as where can you go, well….sky is the limit in my humble opinion. Don’t limit yourself…set small goals each day…look for the little joys every day!

    Keep the faith!

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  2. Perhaps you need medication to suppress the suicidal thoughts? For me, the antipsychotic “Seroquel” has been a life saver. I went from wanting to die every day and having set a date to take my life to wanting to live. I just needed the right type of medication. Previously the antidepressants exacerbated the suicidal thoughts. Something to think about perhaps?

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  3. Oh my meds are really working quite well. I was miserable for years before, in and out of the hospital about 15 times within 1.5 years — basically 1-2 times a month for varying lengths of stay. I couldn’t get out of bed and would immediately just attempt it with just a thought, not even think it through. Now I have the thoughts, but not as often, and when I do think about it, I actually do reach out for help even if I do not want to. I don’t think I will ever get rid of that thought of needing to die though – it is just something that is engrained in me. I am not sure what it is – and I have just learned to live with it. It doesn’t bother me so much… the meds take care of the depression enough that I am not constantly thinking about that anymore. It is just one of those thoughts that are in the back of your mind that creep up. Like .. “oh I forgot I needed to buy the milk” But It isn’t something I ever act on at all. I don’t even talk about it in therapy because no one has ever even understood it. So I just deal, try to look at it in the positive sense — what can I do from now on, where can I go from here. My meds have done the best they can. Now I have to do what I can..

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  4. Yes,… baby steps…. don’t limit yourself, but don’t overdue it either — set small goals each day, look for little joys every day. You said it quite well! Thanks

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