Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/15/14

I have been challenged by Izzy to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my dad.  Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.

Sooo Here we go:

Cons –

  1. Cleaned up my apartment
  2. Student Loan Bills in the mail – which I shouldn’t have
  3. Psychiatrist Bill in the mail – which I shouldn’t have
  4. Kind of just feeling under the weather
  5. Was all alone, no one to talk to today
  6. One panic attack
  7. Trying to figure out how to pay for Grad school…blah!

 

Pros –

  1. Alive – Living another day, but I missed the sunrise — maybe tomorrow?
  2. Woke up early (Thanks to a good sleep with Ambien!)
  3. Had some time to read today
  4. Listened to the rain and thunder, like every other day in Tampa – actually can’t figure out if this is a pro or con, but today it will be a pro
  5. Restricted myself from eating absolutely everything today (no I don’t have an eating disorder, but I can eat emotionally when I get bored or sad or manic or whatever the case may me).
  6. I didn’t go out and spend any money, or even look online on Amazon to spend money – even though they have smile.amazon.com which donates money to my charity (which is actually where I get my cousneling)…. whew.. I spend way too much money on that site with my bipolar.  Money I do not have.  Everyday I beat that is a day to celebrate.
  7. I watched my DVR of the Last Comic Standing season finale – sooo funny!! Made me laugh
  8. Looking forward to starting Grad School in like 2 weeks, but refer to Con number 7.

 

Ok this is definitely hard!  Over time I will get better at.

Anyone else want to take this challenge?

Just take your days, list your pros and cons for the day – that is it!  It helps you see what your day was like, the good and the bad.  Slowly helps you realize that not everything went bad, you do have good things in your life… even simple things.  Izzy has done a better job at conveying that in her blog over the past two days than I did in this though!

 

 

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Flowers? For Me?

Word Press Post a Day – You return home to discover a huge flower bouquet waiting for you, no card attached. Who is it from — and why did they send it to you?

Flowers?  For me?  No one ever treats me to flowers or candy or even a nice dinner.  I live alone.  I don’t really know anyone.  Depression and social anxiety kind of stop that from happening.  So who would send me flowers?

I’ll tell you who!  Me!!!  I sent myself flowers.  Why?  Because I deserve to get something special every once in a while.  I deserve to have someone come to my door, leave a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I don’t need a note.   I wrote the note and sent it in the mail the same day, it should get here in a few days.  It will be another reminder for me.   A note that reminds me how special I am and that I need to love and take care of myself – sometimes I forget that when I am down.

We all need to remember to treasure ourselves.  We don’t need to depend on others to always give us gifts.  We should be able to give ourselves gifts.  Not necessarily flowers – but a day off, or look into the mirror and smile and see the beauty in ourselves, to be able to feel good about ourselves.  It is ok to do something nice for ourselves.  In fact, it is necessary to do something nice for ourselves.

So, I sent myself these flowers.  I sent them to remind myself of what a wonderful person I am.  Even if I have no one around me, no significant others, no friend, no one that would think to send me flowers – I still deserve them.  I deserve them for being me – for being a beautiful, on the inside and out, person.

 

Finding the Right Therapist

I am so incredibly thankful for my therapist.  She has really been a lifesaver.  No, I have not been incredibly open with her yet.  Bit she has stood by me.  Through my crying, dissociation, suicidal ideation, not talking, avoiding it all – she has been there.

I have told her more than I have told anyone ever before.  I haven’t told her details about anything, but I have hinted at stuff.  That is still more than I have ever said to anyone.

I have never felt comfortable with a therapist before.  Well, once before I connected with a therapist, but it was after I had just been raped, and everything was so fresh on my memory I couldn’t comprehend anything and didn’t want to deal with anything, so I just didn’t.  She was wonderful and I got along with her, but I just couldn’t talk about the hard stuff.

Now, I have another great therapist after being with a million others – and I still have a hard time opening up, but I am getting there.  She has helped me realize that I need to talk to feel better, to heal.  I am really going to try to at my next appointment.  I don’t see her until next week.  I am really going to try to write and just practice talking out loud to myself to hear it out loud.  Say it.  I want to talk about it.  I want to heal.

Having a good therapist is such an important thing.  I don’t think I would be where I am today if I didn’t have my current therapist.  I still have bad days – horrible days.  I still have been hospitalized twice in the last year.  And even though each day I waiver on how I feel about myself, at least some days, I do feel ok about who I am.  Some days, I still hate myself, but there are some days that I do feel ok about myself now.

With my previous therapists, they didn’t even touch on my trauma.  Of course, we were trying to get my bipolar under control as that was completely out of control – but they also solely kind of focused on my BPD.  I am not saying none of that was irrelevant, but I think now that I have really been working on my trauma – I have been having a better grasp on my emotions over all and being able to control things – I have been able to take better care of myself over all.

As I said, I still have really bad days.  I still have almost had to be readmitted to the hospital, even recently.  I still have the suicidal ideations.  I still get mad and blow up at people.  But compared to how I was, having my current therapist has been a godsend.

If you don’t feel like your therapist is the right fit – keep looking.  It is ok to “fire” your therapist.  They are working for you, and if they aren’t the right fit, it is ok to find another one.  I didn’t do this a lot of the time… I kept sticking it out with mine and it never helped me.  I would just go to session after session getting nothing out of it, feeling miserable.  I would give up, stop taking meds, and just get worse.  I finally had someone tell me – its ok to shop around for a therapist.  You have to find one you mesh with, someone that you clique with, someone that you feel comfortable with.  And you will know within the first 2-3 sessions.  You don’t have to go for 3 months to figure out if they are the therapist for you.  And if they are a good therapist, they aren’t going to be offended if you leave – they know that not everyone works with well with everyone.  Certain styles of therapy work with certain people.

So – don’t give up if you don’t think therapy is working.  Keep looking for a good therapist.  Keep advocating for yourself.  I used to think therapy was stupid cause no one seemed to be helpful for me.  But there is someone out there that you will get alone with and connect with – you just have to find them.