Category Archives: anger

Not – “Why Did This Happen”, But “What Can I do Now, Where Can I Go From Here?

This blog has been a great release for me.  I have also said I still struggle.  At the moment, that last sentence is something that has been a problem for me.

It is a struggle that I am dealing with in a way I am not very much used to.  In fact, anything that is misspelled or looks weird in this I am sorry.

I have been dealing with trauma therapy.  It has been going well, I have an amazing therapist and am so grateful that I her.  She has stuck by me even when I could be open right away.  It is getting hardest though and I can’t stay present much.  Im awake then Im interacting with someone.  If I sit at home, going off, I dream, I imagine, I cry, its in my face, its happening to me.  Im fighting on the floor.  The thoughts are being yelled in my years

I took ambien cause I just feel myself leaving.  I talked to a friend from  my NAMI group.  I told her that my meds have made me better.  I am not severely depressed like how I was.  I do find joy at times.  I still have this underlying ever day depression though.  I still have this need to die though.  It is this bizarre need, like I have always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be alive.

Is it because of the childhood abuse?  Is it because of my genes?  It is because of both?  Nature, nurture, both?

I am not I will ever know what has cause my brain to hurt the way it hurts or have such hard feelings.

Anyway, I am on ambien and am completely falling asleep.  So as I said there maybe a completely a million mistakes and this may make no sense.  But I felt the need to write this.

Thinking our thoughts is hard.  Ruminating on why things happen can consume our lives.  From here, we really should just be asking, not why? but what now?

Not why did this happen. When did it happen?

But — What can I do now, from  this point forward, what can I do?Where Can I go From Here

Anyway, I am posted this ahead of time, so it should be posted in a few days, but I am totally tired from the medication now… so if it appears as if I should have been awake when it is up and posted, this is why 🙂  Best wishes everyone ! For some reason this was on my mind and I felt like writing it, perhaps I will re-write it or a follow up later though.

Please add your thoughts as well!

Are you a bully?

I never thought I was a bully,

Until I heard how I talked to myself.

I think I owe myself an apology.

Frustration, Arguments with Friends, Life, Everything

Tonight was a rough night. 

Today actually started out amazing!  I got great news – which I will reveal in a later post at some point.

But, the day ended horribly!  I feel bad and I don’t feel bad at the same time.  I went to a support group meeting and spent some time talking to a few friends after.  We got into a discussion that just ended with me blowing up.  I majored in sociology and am extremely open minded and liberal.  Anyway, yes, I should have been more open to letting them have their views, but I guess when it comes to social issues regarding race and social justice – I just cant sit back on stuff when specific comments are made.  They were not saying horrible things or anything of that matter – don’t get me wrong.  But it still struck a chord with me.  I just blew up, I lashed out, I yelled. 

The things is, I feel bad about how I reacted, but I don’t feel bad about what I said.  My anxiety and depression haven’t been the best lately, and I don’t want to blame my reaction on my mental illness, but I also don’t think I would have had that reaction if my meds were working correctly.  I did gain control and just walk off – granted it was in the middle of me yelling – I walked off in the middle of it before I kept doing it. 

I feel really bad though. I feel like a failure.  I feel like I just messed up my life again.  I literally started this day off on such a high note!  And I ended up so low.  When I woke up, I had this plan of completely starting my life over, not that I can’t still do that.  I just feel like, if I was going to do that and then already fell so deep within 24 hours – how can I keep going? 

I know I will get over this.  I know life will go on.  But getting into arguments with your friends sucks!  These people are my main support system here.  I go to this support group, and I only am close to a few of these people in it, and I just yelled at 2 of them.  I don’t even know if I want to go back?!  I know things will go back to normal, but it is going to take time.  And that makes my anxiety worse, and my depression worse.  I feel like I lost my support system – and it was my fault.  I always screw things up. 

I’m going to try to not think about it all though.  I may take a day off tomorrow – I may get on and off here, look around, try to do the daily prompt, but if I don’t get on here — I think I might just take some time to decompress after what happened.  Let out my pent up anger and anxiety that I have held in over the years from the abuse and trauma and everything else that I am only now dealing with.