Your story isn’t over yet.
Why I Choose to Live –
During one of my hospitalizations, we had to create a safety place. We were given a bunch of note cards and asked to put lots of different things on them….
One of those cards though also was for, why we chose to live. Why did we want to live. What were our reasons for living.
I found that safety place the other day and looked through it. Most of it is completely irrelevant at this point. None of those people are in my life anymore. The triggers and warning signs I suppose are still there. Coping skills have changed. Things that make me happy are not the same. And, the reasons why I choose to live — well I am pretty sure I completely made up every single one of those just so I could tell myself there was something to live for — or the hospital made me write something.
Like, I wrote I wanted to have kids — yeah I have never wanted kids. Or I never wanted a baby of my own, to come out of me (sorry if that was graphic). But since being molested and raped, I just don’t deal with things “down there” very well. Adoption of an older kid, maybe. I wanted to live for God — yeah I believe in God, but I also don’t think God will send me to hell for suicide (don’t really want to debate this on here, so please don’t). Anyway, there was a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t understand why I wrote it.
So I figured I would make a new list — perhaps one I really thought about. So here goes – Reasons why I choose to live:
Why do you choose to live???
This is a project by Dese’Rae L. Stage – about suicide awareness. She interviews those who have attempted suicide and survived. She talks to them, gets their stories, and photographs them. She also has Bipolar 2 and is a survivor of suicide and self injury as well.
Per her website, her project is about:
The intention of Live Through This is to show that everyone is susceptible to depression and suicidal thoughts by sharing portraits and stories of real attempt survivors—people who look just like you. These feelings could affect your mom, your partner, or your brother, and the fear of talking about it can be a killer.
You can find her website at: Live Through This
Word Press Post A Day – You’ve been given the ability to build a magical tunnel that will quickly and secretly connect your home with the location of your choice — anywhere on Earth. Where’s the other end of your tunnel?
A tunnel? Anywhere on earth my heart desires?
To be honest, I am not sure this tunnel could take me where I want to go. I could get wherever I want to go on earth on any given day if I really wanted to – by car, plane, boat. I don’t always have the money — but I could save up for it, borrow it, be a stow-a-way (heck some 60 year old woman has done that 4 times and all she got was a little bit of jail finally, surely I can do that if I wanted!). Anyway, back to my thoughts — there are a lot of places on earth I want to go to, I love traveling, but I wouldn’t want a tunnel to just take me to them. That would take away me seeing all the beauty of getting there.
I would want a tunnel for something else.
If I could have a tunnel — I would want that tunnel to take me the I guess you would call it “the light at the end of the tunnel.” I want to see this place that everyone keeps telling me about. This place that is supposed to be there despite all my depression, bipolar, PTSD, and borderline personality problems. Despite all my downs — I am supposed to have this “light at the end of the tunnel.” Well, if I am finally getting a tunnel — I will definitely let it take me there. I want to see it. I want to see this light, I want to see if it really leads me to happiness? Or contentment? Or as someone told me once – maybe it is just a train coming at me and I should just stop trying to look for that light because it is just as bad as the situation I am in now. Umm thanks buddy for that encouragement…
There are good days and there are bad days. There is no quick fix. Nothing is going to make everything get magically better. Life may seem miserable every single day. You never know when you will reach that light at the end of the tunnel though unless you keep living. It may be today, it may be tomorrow, it may be a year from now, or it may when you are 100 years old. That tunnel eventually ends though and there is a light. In fact, it may be broken up and it may stop and start again – there may be hints of light here and there. It may be discouraging that the light keeps going away. But it still has to eventually end all together – a tunnel cannot last forever.
Word Press Post a Day – A misused word, a misremembered song lyric, a cream pie that just happened to be there: tell us about a time you (or someone else) said or did something unintentionally funny.
I just said something unintentionally the other day that was extremely funny! Or I should say I typed something — or my phone autocorrected it and I was not paying attention…something you should never do. Never ever reply to a post on here and not pay attention to what your phone autocorrects!
I was replying to a post on Hope’s blog – she usually writes about mental health issues, which is something I am very passionate about. Her post is here if you wish to read it. Anyway, so I was commenting back – and there has been a lot of discussion since Robin Williams suicide about if suicide is selfish or not. There are lots of different opinions about this – I understand that. Mine personally, coming from someone who has mental illness and knows how it affects you, that it is a disease that takes over me and I don’t really know what I am doing, that I don’t understand what I am doing, and that it completely distorts my thinking, and for a wide variety of other reasons — is that it is not selfish. I am really not wanting to get into a debate about this on here though.
However, my comment meant to say –
“…… And I don’t think anyone who kills themselves is selfish. I got into an argument with a friends friend on facebook about this the other day. It created some lively discussion to say the least!”
However, what ended up being said, thanks to the wonderful technology of autocorrect on my phone, which I failed to pay attention to was,
“……And I don’t think anyone who kills the elves is selfish. I got into an argument with a friends friend on facebook about this the other day. It created some lively discussion to say the least!”
Needless to say, apparently, deep down inside, I don’t think killing the elves is very selfish either! I guess I have a subconscious dislike for elves. They must not have built enough toys for me as a kid or my toys must have always broke because they weren’t built correctly – I’m not really sure.
So, feel free to kill the elves, I will not think you are selfish!
However, to be serious here —while I do not think it is selfish to commit suicide, that does not mean that I think you should do it. So if you are depressed and struggling with suicidal thoughts or any other mental health issues – please reach out for help. Talk to your doctor, a family member, or friend. If you are in the US you can also call the suicide crisis line at:
or go to:
You have the power to say,
This is not how my story will end.