For every minute you are angry,
you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Word Press Post A Day – When life gives you lemons… make something else. Tell us about a time you used an object or resolved a tricky situation in an unorthodox way.
I am sure that there are many times I have fixed things in an unorthodox way. I was a very creative kid. I went to Math, Science, Technology Magnet schools. We were taught all sorts of critical thinking schools. In nursing school you are taught critical thinking skills and to think outside of the box to help patients and solve problems. I have had to come up with ways to fix all sorts of things with unconventional methods.
I hate the term, “When life gives you lemons just make lemonade” though! No, when life gives you lemons you can’t always just turn the situation around. Sometimes life gives you lemons and it just sucks! You have to just take it, know that it sucks, let yourself feel those emotions that it sucks, and acknowledge that it sucks. You have a right to feel those thoughts and feelings and emotions. Why do people always have to tell us to get over it, move on, just fix it? I know we cannot wallow in it or ruminate on the problem or have pity party – of course not. But what we feel is what we feel and we have the right to feel those emotions. There is no reason that when something bad happens in our life that we should not be allowed to express that. If something bad happens, let me feel like shit. Stop telling me to just go make lemonade. I don’t want to make lemonade. I want to be pissed off for a while. Once I work through those emotions then perhaps I would have squeezed through enough of those lemons with my anger and frustration that the lemonade will appear and I might have bought some sugar at the store to add to it.
Pushing the bad stuff that happens to me to the back of my mind and never dealing with it, just makes it come back 10x harder later on in life. It builds up in me and eventually comes out as anger or resentment towards others. So no, no I am not just going to make lemonade or something else when life gives me lemons. Not right away anyway. Perhaps you will get some lemonade over time, a cup at a time over a while. But you aren’t going to be getting a jar of it all at once and I surely wont be setting up a lemonade stand making any money off of it.
I never thought I was a bully,
Until I heard how I talked to myself.
I think I owe myself an apology.
Tonight was a rough night.
Today actually started out amazing! I got great news – which I will reveal in a later post at some point.
But, the day ended horribly! I feel bad and I don’t feel bad at the same time. I went to a support group meeting and spent some time talking to a few friends after. We got into a discussion that just ended with me blowing up. I majored in sociology and am extremely open minded and liberal. Anyway, yes, I should have been more open to letting them have their views, but I guess when it comes to social issues regarding race and social justice – I just cant sit back on stuff when specific comments are made. They were not saying horrible things or anything of that matter – don’t get me wrong. But it still struck a chord with me. I just blew up, I lashed out, I yelled.
The things is, I feel bad about how I reacted, but I don’t feel bad about what I said. My anxiety and depression haven’t been the best lately, and I don’t want to blame my reaction on my mental illness, but I also don’t think I would have had that reaction if my meds were working correctly. I did gain control and just walk off – granted it was in the middle of me yelling – I walked off in the middle of it before I kept doing it.
I feel really bad though. I feel like a failure. I feel like I just messed up my life again. I literally started this day off on such a high note! And I ended up so low. When I woke up, I had this plan of completely starting my life over, not that I can’t still do that. I just feel like, if I was going to do that and then already fell so deep within 24 hours – how can I keep going?
I know I will get over this. I know life will go on. But getting into arguments with your friends sucks! These people are my main support system here. I go to this support group, and I only am close to a few of these people in it, and I just yelled at 2 of them. I don’t even know if I want to go back?! I know things will go back to normal, but it is going to take time. And that makes my anxiety worse, and my depression worse. I feel like I lost my support system – and it was my fault. I always screw things up.
I’m going to try to not think about it all though. I may take a day off tomorrow – I may get on and off here, look around, try to do the daily prompt, but if I don’t get on here — I think I might just take some time to decompress after what happened. Let out my pent up anger and anxiety that I have held in over the years from the abuse and trauma and everything else that I am only now dealing with.