After my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) I struggled to accept it. I battled in my mind over if I really had it or not. Quite honestly, I had some therapists that kind of disagreed about it too, which made me wonder even more.
When I really look at the traits though, I am pretty sure I do have enough of them to meet the criteria. I waiver back and forth on if I do meet it or not, but I think that is because I want to convince myself I don’t have it.
There is one criteria that I know I completely meet though:
—- identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
Throughout my entire life I have never known who I really was. I went to quite a few different schools. Two elementary schools, Three Middle Schools, and Two High Schools. I hung out with different types of people at all of them. I conformed to whatever behavior and pattern I needed to. I didn’t really have my own identity. If I would have been put in a room with all of them together, I wouldn’t have known how to act. Who would I have conformed to? Which group would I have identified with? Would I have identified with any of them?
To this day, I don’t know who I am. I don’t dye my hair or cut it often. I don’t change my clothing style all the time. No one would think or feel that I cannot really figure out who I am.
I am on disability, and quite honestly, am not exactly stable enough to hold a job at this point. I am working at my own pace to get a degree though, which I am hoping will lead me to a job and stability since I am going to have more structure in my life.
Even with this though, is it what I really want? I went to college and got 2 Bachelors degrees. My mental illness definitely stopped me from being able to use them, but I questioned my main one (nursing) during those last two years when my mental illness was getting bad. I couldn’t figure out who I was or what I wanted.
Now, am I doing the right thing? Will I be able to follow through with this? Will I like it and keep it and enjoy it? Is it me?
I think it is. I am going to stay positive about it of course.
I just know that I have struggled with finding myself. Who I am. Who I want to be and who I can identify with and trust. I feel like I don’t know how to act or socialize. I feel somewhat disconnected from everyone and I don’t know how to connect unless I follow them. If that makes sense?
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, or if anyone else feels this way at all. But that has been my experience with the identity issue that goes along with BPD.
Does anyone else experience this trait of BPD? What are your symptoms like with it?