Tag Archives: cutting

I took a big step, I called a Crisis Line

Yesterday I broke down.  My anxiety consumed me.  I tried to use my copings skills – I went out, went to Michaels – bought some more canvas and paint to come home and paint. I couldn’t handle it though.  “Hurt yourself.” “Cut yourself” “Hit yourself” “Break a bone” My brain kept wanting to find a way out of this feeling of extreme dread and torture that was going on. 

The minute I got home I knew I couldn’t do what my brain was saying. I had done that before. I did that for two years and all it did was get me put in the hospital, in the ICU, the ER, and the psych hospital.  I couldn’t go back to that.  I cant go back to that.  I am trying to stay in recovery.  I am trying to get my life back and stay on track.

I called 211.  It connected me to the local crisis line.  It is easier than dialing the suicide hotline, all I have to remember is 211 rather than a bunch of numbers, plus the suicide crisis line would connect me to 211 anyway, since it just connects you to your local crisis line.  For those of you who don’t know what 211 is – it is a free and confidential informational and referral line available in most cities/counties in the United States.  They can connect you with resources to find help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more – and in my area also provide the crisis/suicide line. 

Anyway, I spent 33 minutes talking to a wonderful volunteer.  Probably 15 minutes crying my eyes out.  Eventually we came up with a plan, had some laughs, and I am feeling better.  Thank goodness I got my mind set straight because I do not want to end up back in the hospital!

I was assured I could call back as many times as I needed, 24 hours a day, and they could help me. 

Today was a rough day, and I suspect it is going to be a rough week.  Honestly, I think it is going to be a rough few months.  I don’t think my meds are working right, or not well enough anyway – perhaps a dosage adjustment.  I don’t think my doctor is getting my anxiety under control at all – at least not quick enough.  I know that I can’t give up though.  I know not to go back to my old habit – which was just not thinking and just doing.  I know I cant be impulsive anymore.  Not that it is that easy, impulse is impulse, but I can still keep working on it.

 

If you are in a crisis reach out for help:

National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Lifeline Crisis Chat

IMAlive Crisis Chat

Veteran Crisis Online Chat

Call: 211

In the UK? Call the Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90

In Australia? Call Lifeline: 13 11 14  or chat with them

In New Zealand? Call Lifeline’s Warmline: 0508 927 654 or Suicide Crisis Line: 0508 828 865

She Wouldn’t Eat

She was one of my best friends.  I was a sophomore in college and she had just started her freshman year.  We were both stuck in the worst dorm – no air conditioning, small rooms, no elevator, and a bit beat up. She lived across the hall from me. 

One night three of us (me, her, and another friend), were sitting in my dorm room talking.  We were discussing the hardships of college.  Annoying professors, exams, pressures to fit in, extracurricular activities, and all the other stuff that goes along with being in college.  We somehow got on the topic of depression.  I was depressed.  I had been depressed since I was raped my freshman year.  I opened up about it.  Both of my friends were freshman (yes, I was one of the few sophomores stuck in a dorm full of freshman!) and I felt like being open to them about what I had been through and how I was feeling was important so they would know it was ok to feel down and be open about their thoughts and feelings. 

Then she told me something I wasn’t really expecting.  She had an eating disorder.  She had seemed so happy.  She seemed like she was dealing with school so well.  How could I have held such a horrible stigma!  I was going through my own mental health issues and had kept it hidden, people probably would have thought the same for me – how could she be depressed?  She explained how she grew up in an abusive home, her brothers were still dealing with abuse, how she never wanted to eat and when she did she would purge. 

I have never had an eating disorder, so I really couldn’t tell her, “I know how you feel.” I could be empathetic though.  I could feel her pain.  I know what it is like to deal with abuse.  I know what it is like to feel out of control.  I know what it is like to want control.  For me, wanting to kill myself is how I attempt to gain control.  When I feel out of control, the only thing I feel like I can control is if I live or die – so I feel like I need to kill myself – I feel like dying is how I can get control of my life.  I take my life away, no one else can.  Or cutting myself, only I can hurt myself, no one else can. 

I was already in therapy, and after much convincing, my other friend and I talked with her to get her to discuss this with our college psych department.  She entered therapy.  However, through this she realized that the best thing to do was to take a semester off.  She never returned to college though.  Sometimes I feel like I ruined her chance at an education because of my stepping in, but I also know that if I hadn’t I do not know how far it might have gone and how much it would have hurt her.  I am proud to say she is doing well though.  She has a beautiful daughter.  She is raising her on her own and providing for herself financially.  She is happy and seems to be managing her eating disorder well. 

People say that is what eating disorders are about – getting control.  I am not sure if that is how it is for everyone.  As I said, I have never had one.  So if you are reading this, please comment and let me know what it is like for you.  Any insight is welcome.