How do you open up to your therapist?

How do you talk about trauma?

How do you talk about childhood sexual abuse?  Or childhood abuse? Or rape at any age – childhood or adult? Or any type of crime that has been committed against you?

It is important to be open with you counselor, I understand that.  I have an absolutely amazing therapist!  She makes me feel comfortable and I feel like she would understand and believe what I told her.

I do not know how to talk to her though.  I have written a few things, but even with that, it is hard.  I cannot go into details about things.  Writing or saying things just makes it real.  I don’t want it to be real.  I know it is real though – and I just want it to all go away.  It won’t though, and it haunts me, and until I deal with it — I am always going to feel bad and have these flashbacks and nightmares and want to hurt myself and die as much as I do.  I know I have bipolar and borderline personality along with my PTSD.  But I know if I deal with this PTSD, my symptoms will go down much more.

How does everyone else talk about their traumas?  Or just talk in general?  How do you let our your feelings, your frustrations, your thoughts?  I’m so scared to.  I want to.  I think about it over and over in my head because therapy.  All week sometimes.  I go in there with what I want to say.  I have rehearsed it in my mind.  Then, when I want to say it, my mouth can’t.  It is like it is all jumbled up.

I have gotten better about opening up.  But not about much.  It is never going to go away unless I talk.  I know that.  She has told me.  I believe her.  I just don’t know how to.  This is the first time I have ever face this stuff in therapy.  I have told her more than I have told anyone else.  I have gotten a lot out, but there is so much more.

So, how do you all do it?  How do you talk in therapy?  If you have been through abuse, sexual abuse, rape – anything like that – how do have you been able to talk about it?  Even if you haven’t been through any type of abuse — how do you talk in therapy, how do you let out your emotions?

For every minute…

For every minute you are angry,

you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Kill the Elves!

Word Press Post a Day – A misused word, a misremembered song lyric, a cream pie that just happened to be there: tell us about a time you (or someone else) said or did something unintentionally funny.

I just said something unintentionally the other day that was extremely funny!  Or I should say I typed something — or my phone autocorrected it and I was not paying attention…something you should never do.  Never ever reply to a post on here and not pay attention to what your phone autocorrects!

I was replying to a post on Hope’s blog – she usually writes about mental health issues, which is something I am very passionate about.  Her post is here if you wish to read it.  Anyway, so I was commenting back – and there has been a lot of discussion since Robin Williams suicide about if suicide is selfish or not.  There are lots of different opinions about this – I understand that.  Mine personally, coming from someone who has mental illness and knows how it affects you, that it is a disease that takes over me and I don’t really know what I am doing, that I don’t understand what I am doing, and that it completely distorts my thinking, and for a wide variety of other reasons — is that it is not selfish.  I am really not wanting to get into a debate about this on here though.

However, my comment meant to say –

“…… And I don’t think anyone who kills themselves is selfish. I got into an argument with a friends friend on facebook about this the other day. It created some lively discussion to say the least!”

However, what ended up being said, thanks to the wonderful technology of autocorrect on my phone, which I failed to pay attention to was,

“……And I don’t think anyone who kills the elves is selfish. I got into an argument with a friends friend on facebook about this the other day. It created some lively discussion to say the least!”

Needless to say, apparently, deep down inside, I don’t think killing the elves is very selfish either!  I guess I have a subconscious dislike for elves.  They must not have built enough toys for me as a kid or my toys must have always broke because they weren’t built correctly – I’m not really sure.

So, feel free to kill the elves, I will not think you are selfish!

 

However, to be serious here —while I do not think it is selfish to commit suicide, that does not mean that I think you should do it.  So if you are depressed and struggling with suicidal thoughts or any other mental health issues – please reach out for help.  Talk to your doctor, a family member, or friend.  If you are in the US you can also call the suicide crisis line at:

1-800-273-8255

or go to:

www.crisischat.org

www.IMAlive.org

 

If you live internationally, you can find help and resources for numbers to call here or here.

Stay safe!

You have the power…

You have the power to say,

This is not how my story will end.

Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/16/14

This is my challenge to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my day.  “Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.  I actually almost forgot to do it today until Just Plain Ol’ Vic reminded me by commenting on yesterdays post! –Thanks for the reminder!

Pros –

• I got a nice sleep thanks to my Ambien.  It was making my nightmares worse, so I quit taking it for a while.  But I wasn’t getting any sleep so I started it again, I’ll definitely take the sleep for now, even with some nightmares.
• I got a donation to my GoFundMe account to help me pay for my grad school tuition!!! Not a big one, but every little bit counts and I am so grateful for it!
• Mrs Doubtfire is on TV right now, this very minute as I write this!  It is so funny.  This movie came out when I was about 7 or 8 years old — I always wanted a nanny like him!  I didn’t binge watch and Robin Williams movies this week/end, but this one happened to be playing on the Hallmark Movie Channel, so I thought I would have it on in the background since it is one of my favorites.
• Figured out an old student loan from undergrad.  Ugh will they ever leave me alone?!?!  At least for a little while longer I suppose.   “Leandro” promised me that it would be taken care of, so I expect not to get another bill from them — again.
• I took a shower!  This might not seem like an accomplishment, but when I get depressed I can go days without one.  I hadn’t gone days, but I had gone two I think…and it was going to go on.  I stopped it though… I stopped it and jumped in and took one – a nice long hot one.

Cons –

• I am trying to raise money on GoFundMe, for school but I am not really getting anywhere.  I am a little bit disappointed, but I know everyone is struggling with money.  Still kind of makes me feel bad though.  Keeping a positive attitude that it is all going to work out.
• My apartment is kind of a mess — well it is always a mess, but I told myself it would get cleaned today and that just didn’t happen.
• Slept a lot today, just kind of felt like escaping my emotions and didn’t feel like using any of my more active coping skills.
• I ate too much 😦  Nibbling on food when I was awake — peanuts add up quickly in calories…especially when they are honey roasted peanuts.  I need some cocoa roasted almonds in those 100 calorie packs!

Goal for Tomorrow:

I really hope to be more awake for tomorrow.  I do not want to sleep through the day.  The weather here has been horrible – pouring rain almost all day long, literally, not more than 5-10 minutes of no rain or thunder.  I want to try to get out to a gym and walk or run on a treadmill a bit.  Just to get my anxiety out, get some energy burnt.  I want to perhaps read a bit of some of the text books I have received in regards to my future classes in grad school.  I want to maybe paint a small picture.

Now out of all of that — I just want to do one.  Small steps.  So if I just accomplish one of those, then I will be happy!

 

Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/15/14

I have been challenged by Izzy to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my dad.  Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.

Sooo Here we go:

Cons –

1. Cleaned up my apartment
2. Student Loan Bills in the mail – which I shouldn’t have
3. Psychiatrist Bill in the mail – which I shouldn’t have
4. Kind of just feeling under the weather
5. Was all alone, no one to talk to today
6. One panic attack
7. Trying to figure out how to pay for Grad school…blah!

 

Pros –

1. Alive – Living another day, but I missed the sunrise — maybe tomorrow?
2. Woke up early (Thanks to a good sleep with Ambien!)
3. Had some time to read today
4. Listened to the rain and thunder, like every other day in Tampa – actually can’t figure out if this is a pro or con, but today it will be a pro
5. Restricted myself from eating absolutely everything today (no I don’t have an eating disorder, but I can eat emotionally when I get bored or sad or manic or whatever the case may me).
6. I didn’t go out and spend any money, or even look online on Amazon to spend money – even though they have smile.amazon.com which donates money to my charity (which is actually where I get my cousneling)…. whew.. I spend way too much money on that site with my bipolar.  Money I do not have.  Everyday I beat that is a day to celebrate.
7. I watched my DVR of the Last Comic Standing season finale – sooo funny!! Made me laugh
8. Looking forward to starting Grad School in like 2 weeks, but refer to Con number 7.

 

Ok this is definitely hard!  Over time I will get better at.

Anyone else want to take this challenge?

Just take your days, list your pros and cons for the day – that is it!  It helps you see what your day was like, the good and the bad.  Slowly helps you realize that not everything went bad, you do have good things in your life… even simple things.  Izzy has done a better job at conveying that in her blog over the past two days than I did in this though!

 

 

Flowers? For Me?

Word Press Post a Day – You return home to discover a huge flower bouquet waiting for you, no card attached. Who is it from — and why did they send it to you?

Flowers?  For me?  No one ever treats me to flowers or candy or even a nice dinner.  I live alone.  I don’t really know anyone.  Depression and social anxiety kind of stop that from happening.  So who would send me flowers?

I’ll tell you who!  Me!!!  I sent myself flowers.  Why?  Because I deserve to get something special every once in a while.  I deserve to have someone come to my door, leave a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I don’t need a note.   I wrote the note and sent it in the mail the same day, it should get here in a few days.  It will be another reminder for me.   A note that reminds me how special I am and that I need to love and take care of myself – sometimes I forget that when I am down.

We all need to remember to treasure ourselves.  We don’t need to depend on others to always give us gifts.  We should be able to give ourselves gifts.  Not necessarily flowers – but a day off, or look into the mirror and smile and see the beauty in ourselves, to be able to feel good about ourselves.  It is ok to do something nice for ourselves.  In fact, it is necessary to do something nice for ourselves.

So, I sent myself these flowers.  I sent them to remind myself of what a wonderful person I am.  Even if I have no one around me, no significant others, no friend, no one that would think to send me flowers – I still deserve them.  I deserve them for being me – for being a beautiful, on the inside and out, person.

 

MIA today – but will Catch up tomorrow! — Anyone read Eckhart Tolle?

Hey Everyone!

 

I have had somewhat of a busy day, so I have had much time to look at my posts today to respond to comments 😦

BUT…. I am going to get to them I promise!  I have scanned a few and will most definitely be replying to them!  I haven’t forgotten about you!  I just needed to focus on some of my “homework” (DBT/CBT) for therapy to work through my anxiety, depression, and PTSD  as well as just started to re-read a book that my case manager from 3 years ago bought me for graduation, which I never read as I was so unfocused.  My therapist brought it up, so I thought I would look it up.  It was a book called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.  Anyone else ever read it???  Would love to hear what you all thing!  Feel free to leave some messages below about it.

It is a pretty good book – talks a lot about mindfulness.  There is quite a bit I don’t agree with, but it does have some decent stuff in there.  She gave it to me in a version on audible, so I have a hard time focusing, but I think I am halfway through.

Anyway,  I write posts ahead of time, so I think I have some coming out tomorrow that you should get to read still.  And I will try to get back to reading through some comments and being more present on here to get back to everyone!

 

Thanks for all the support!!! 🙂

We Are All Different in Our Likes and Dislikes

Word Press Post A Day – When was the last time a movie, a book, or a television show left you cold despite all your friends (and/or all the critics) raving about it? What was it that made you go against the critical consensus?

All of these things are huge escapes for me.  Dealing with depression, being able to escape into another world – reading, watching a movie, or a good TV show – they allow me to escape from my constant state of rumination about my problems, sadness, and pain.  So, I partake in all of them quite frequently.

I generally always like movies I go to.  I don’t really go to movies that don’t sound interesting to me, even if they are rated well by critics or audience members.  Television shows I am kind of picky about too, I do not watch it that much.  Book – well those I read a lot, and there are quite a few I have not liked, but usually I just don’t make it very far in them (so perhaps they got better had I kept reading?)

I actually think my problem with movies is, if the movie is made based on a book, I almost have always read the book already — therefore the movie is never as good as the book, thus making me not like it very much!

The Harry Potter Series, The Hunger Games Movies, Divergent, The Fault in Our Stars — some of these were very close to the book.  But there were still details missing, even if they were just minor.  Some were big things too.  When you read the books though, you want everything to be included, which just isn’t possible in a movie.  Unfortunately that is very disappointing and make you not like the movie very much.

There are other times though, that I find a movie absolutely thrilling when everyone else seems to think it is a load of crock!  No one seemed to like The Secret Life of Walter Mitty – and I find that to be one of my favorite movies!  He followed his dreams.  He didn’t just sit back and let things take over and ruin his life.  It was such a great story for me.  Everyone around me thought it was pretty stupid, and I am sure many others feel the same.  But to me, it really hit me.  As  a depressed person with self esteem issues – I found a lot of meaning in it.

In the end, everyone is going to have their own taste and style related to things.  We must just all be open to accepting this.  We have all been through different events in our lives and these things are going to affect how we perceive movies and why we like certain ones over others.  Some people like different genres more than others, some people like reading more than movies, some people like movies more than reading.  We are all different, and just because a critic says it is good – we might not like it.  And just because a critic says it is bad, doesn’t mean that we won’t think it is amazing!

If I Wrote a Book…

Word Press Post A Day – A literary-minded witch gives you a choice: with a flick of the wand, you can become either an obscure novelist whose work will be admired and studied by a select few for decades, or a popular paperback author whose books give pleasure to millions. Which do you choose?

I would absolutely love for people to just be obsessed with my book so much that they just study it for decades.  However,  if I wrote a book I would want it to be interesting – I would it to grab peoples attention, to let them escape the world or educate them, preferably both.

Actually I have an idea for a book, but I do not have the concentration to actually sit down and focus on it at this point.  If anyone has read my previous posts, my blog focuses on mental health issues for the most part — or the majority posts—- or all of my posts with the exception of basically one.

If I wrote a book, I would want it to be about mental health, because there is such a stigma about it.  I wouldn’t want it to just reach out to those that have it though.  I would want it to educate everyone – those that have it, those that done, cats, dogs, birds, fish, whoever wants to read it, bite it, scratch it, peck on it, hmm maybe fish can’t swim on it.  It wouldn’t make fun of mental illness, that is not something one should make fun of, but mental illness is something that you can still have fun with.  There are funny things, funny stories that people can tell, we are still people with funny lives because of our mental illness.  Combining our mental illness to educated others with the good things we have done, how we overcame our challenges, showing our funny side, perhaps showing our challenges while using humor, those are the things I would want to do.

It would be a best seller – all around the world.  Written in so many languages – because lets be honest, mental illness affects everyone.  Not just poor people, not just brown haired people, or rich people, or Hispanics, or white people, or purple haired people, or people that drink Pepsi instead of Coke.  

I would love for a few people to become so obsessed the read my book for decades, and if that happens to occur with this one, that would be awesome!  But most importantly, I want my book to be enjoyed by everyone – to educate everyone about the stigmas of mental illness – for people to be able to escape into humor and the lives of those that live with mental illness so they can see we are people just them.