Day 4: What are the pros and cons of having a mental illness or your specific illness(es)?
Cons – Well, I have a hard time keeping a job, making friends, enjoying life — my depression and anxiety really inhibit me to do a lot of things. It isn’t fun at all. With anxiety, I really hate going out. I am scared of meeting new people. Then when I do make a friend, I get really overwhelmed if they keep asking me to hang out, so I quite answering their calls or texts – and well, they give up on me, which I don’t blame them for. I get overwhelmed with jobs too – so I feel sick and can’t go in, or I have panic attakcs during them, or I just stop going, or I quit. When I get depressed – nothing makes me happy. I can sleep for days. I can not shower for days. I am not interested in anything. My mania with my bipolar even stinks — spend lots of money, get agitated and frustrated. Nothing good from that. Basically — it just sucks. So nothing good about the mental illness there.
Pros – Hmm that is a hard one to even think about. With bipolar, there is mania. Most people like that. They say they are productive and all that jazz. For me, I hate my mania – nothing good comes out of it. So I cant even list that as a pro. I think I am more empathetic though. I see the world differently than most people. I feel pain. I know what it is like to hurt. I guess I don’t want to say I understand things better, and yet I also do want to say that. When someone is hurting or down, I feel like I really do understand them. I do feel like I see the world completely differently than someone without mental illness – I feel like I have a better perspective. I know that sounds bad and mean and wrong and as if I am better than them — but I feel like I just have a better understanding — or a different understanding I guess.
Be proud of who you are and everything you have overcome.
Word Press Post A Day – You’ve been given the ability to build a magical tunnel that will quickly and secretly connect your home with the location of your choice — anywhere on Earth. Where’s the other end of your tunnel?
A tunnel? Anywhere on earth my heart desires?
To be honest, I am not sure this tunnel could take me where I want to go. I could get wherever I want to go on earth on any given day if I really wanted to – by car, plane, boat. I don’t always have the money — but I could save up for it, borrow it, be a stow-a-way (heck some 60 year old woman has done that 4 times and all she got was a little bit of jail finally, surely I can do that if I wanted!). Anyway, back to my thoughts — there are a lot of places on earth I want to go to, I love traveling, but I wouldn’t want a tunnel to just take me to them. That would take away me seeing all the beauty of getting there.
I would want a tunnel for something else.
If I could have a tunnel — I would want that tunnel to take me the I guess you would call it “the light at the end of the tunnel.” I want to see this place that everyone keeps telling me about. This place that is supposed to be there despite all my depression, bipolar, PTSD, and borderline personality problems. Despite all my downs — I am supposed to have this “light at the end of the tunnel.” Well, if I am finally getting a tunnel — I will definitely let it take me there. I want to see it. I want to see this light, I want to see if it really leads me to happiness? Or contentment? Or as someone told me once – maybe it is just a train coming at me and I should just stop trying to look for that light because it is just as bad as the situation I am in now. Umm thanks buddy for that encouragement…
There are good days and there are bad days. There is no quick fix. Nothing is going to make everything get magically better. Life may seem miserable every single day. You never know when you will reach that light at the end of the tunnel though unless you keep living. It may be today, it may be tomorrow, it may be a year from now, or it may when you are 100 years old. That tunnel eventually ends though and there is a light. In fact, it may be broken up and it may stop and start again – there may be hints of light here and there. It may be discouraging that the light keeps going away. But it still has to eventually end all together – a tunnel cannot last forever.
You have the power to say,
This is not how my story will end.
So much awareness is brought to mental illness when someone well known dies from it. When suicide takes a life away – suddenly everyone is aware of what pain it causes – to that person and to those that loved them – and even to those that did not know them personally but were somehow touched by them.
There have been so many articles, news reports, and posts about Robin William’s death. I did a post myself. I do not think it is wrong to bring this attention – I think it is great!
My problem with it is — it starts strong — everyone cares about it. The public published the suicide hotline number on Facebook, they post that they care and are there for anyone who needs to talk. They talk about how stigma is wrong. I am not saying that they are lying in any way. I think they do believe these things. I think that losing someone that they were genuinely touched by has affected them. Once that grieving period dies down though, the “sensationalism” of the issue dies down too.
How many celebrities have we lost to suicides and overdoses over the years? How many times have we had a month or two where mental health was a big issue because of this and everyone seemed to care about it, to support it? Then suddenly – it all just went away.
Perhaps, this time it will be different. Maybe this time, the suicide hotline numbers will stay up. Maybe people really will take the time to listen and be there for others. Maybe the stigma will die down.
A few celebrities we have lost over the last few years that have brought quite a bit of attention to the news were:
Philip Seymore Hoffman – drug overdose
L’Wren Scott – Hung herself
Lee Thompson Young – shot himself
Whitney Houston – drowned – with cocaine being a factor, but struggled with drugs and this brought up great discussion after her death
Amy Whinehouse – Alcohol Poisoning …. thus joining “Club 27” – a club of popular musicians who died at the age of 27 from suicide/drug overdose and homicides.
Lots of discussion occurred after these deaths … but soon after, it all just died down. These are just a few of the deaths too. There were a lot more. A lot more due to drug overdoses, which is a serious mental health issue today. A lot more suicides over the years as well. Let’s not let these stories happen and people just forget about them. Mental illness is not something that should be in the news for a few months and forgotten. Let’s keep it in the spotlight. These celebrities should not be dying from it, we should not be dying from it – no one should be dying from it.
This blog has been a great release for me. I have also said I still struggle. At the moment, that last sentence is something that has been a problem for me.
It is a struggle that I am dealing with in a way I am not very much used to. In fact, anything that is misspelled or looks weird in this I am sorry.
I have been dealing with trauma therapy. It has been going well, I have an amazing therapist and am so grateful that I her. She has stuck by me even when I could be open right away. It is getting hardest though and I can’t stay present much. Im awake then Im interacting with someone. If I sit at home, going off, I dream, I imagine, I cry, its in my face, its happening to me. Im fighting on the floor. The thoughts are being yelled in my years
I took ambien cause I just feel myself leaving. I talked to a friend from my NAMI group. I told her that my meds have made me better. I am not severely depressed like how I was. I do find joy at times. I still have this underlying ever day depression though. I still have this need to die though. It is this bizarre need, like I have always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be alive.
Is it because of the childhood abuse? Is it because of my genes? It is because of both? Nature, nurture, both?
I am not I will ever know what has cause my brain to hurt the way it hurts or have such hard feelings.
Anyway, I am on ambien and am completely falling asleep. So as I said there maybe a completely a million mistakes and this may make no sense. But I felt the need to write this.
Thinking our thoughts is hard. Ruminating on why things happen can consume our lives. From here, we really should just be asking, not why? but what now?
Not why did this happen. When did it happen?
But — What can I do now, from this point forward, what can I do?Where Can I go From Here
Anyway, I am posted this ahead of time, so it should be posted in a few days, but I am totally tired from the medication now… so if it appears as if I should have been awake when it is up and posted, this is why 🙂 Best wishes everyone ! For some reason this was on my mind and I felt like writing it, perhaps I will re-write it or a follow up later though.
Please add your thoughts as well!
What is a mistake I will never make again?
I won’t ever not ask for help again. I went for years not asking for help. Hiding my depression, hiding my pain. I didn’t want people to think I was weak. I didn’t want people to not love me or care about me. I wanted to be strong and competitive in this world. I wanted to prove I could be somebody.
Depression, Bipolar, BPD, PTSD, Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective, OCD, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Trauma, Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Rape – whatever the mental illness or Trauma/Past is though – it doesn’t mean you are weak. It took me far to long to figure that out.
All I knew was that this world was about getting ahead. That is all that was preached to me in school – you have to do this, you have to do that. Learn this, learn that. Get into the best school, earn the highest grades. Take the ACT, the SAT. Apply, apply, apply. I was miserable, but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.
On top of that, I really didn’t believe I was going to be alive. I really thought I was going to be dead, either by a natural death or by suicide. I didn’t think I was actually going to have to live up to those expectations anyway. So I never asked for help.
Then there was also the little fact that it was brought to people attention that I needed help, and no one seemed to care – so why would I ask for help when no one wanted to help me in the first place when others told them I needed it?
After being miserable for years though, and then seeing what my life has been like with the right medications and proper therapy — I would give so much to go back and get these things earlier in my life. What a difference I think it would have made, how much easier my life would have been.
Even though people don’t always listen when we ask for help. I still will always ask for it. I still will always plead for it. I won’t give up. I will keep asking, I will keep begging, I will keep pleading for the help. If I need help – I will get it – no matter what. Because not asking for help, will just lead to my destruction. I know that now.
Word Press Post A Day – When was the last time you experienced writer’s block? What do you think brought it about — and how did you dig your way out of it?
I just started doing these Post A Day things from Word Press – I thought it might help me expand on my topics – bring in new ideas to relate to mental health…which is what my blog is about. For the most part, I think it has helped a bit. I think most of them I have been able to relate to mental health/illness in some way, even if it has been a bit of a stretch at times. Except Unlikely Pairing – that one, nope, I just couldn’t tie in. I wrote about it anyway, just to write.
I am passionate about mental health though. I have been affected with mental illness my whole life. There is so much stigma associated with mental illness though. You rarely hear about the great people that have mental illness, just the horrible stories related to it. Everyone just gets a bad picture.
I created this blog to show my struggles, but also my triumphs over my disorders – my bipolar, my borderline personality disorder, and my PTSD. All of which I struggle with daily. I also overcome it everyday though.
Each day I get up, I write on here. I write about what mental illness is, or how to cope with it, quotes related to it, how it has affected me, how it might be affecting me that day, what I am going to do in the future to overcome a challenge that I faced because of it, suicide, sexual abuse, past traumas, therapy, etc.
I’m sure I had writers block in high school related to some silly essay my AP English teacher wanted me to write. When it comes down to something that I am interested in though, something I am passionate about – no, I haven’t had it. I am sure it might come eventually, but so far, it hasn’t hit me. I hope it doesn’t because this is a topic that needs to be spoken up for and needs to be heard.
This is my coping skill. It’s keeping me mentally healthy right now. Or as much as it can anyway.