Risky behaviors. $$$$$ Frustration. HAPPY!!!! Anger. Noooo ZzzzZzzZzz’s. A million thoughts going through your head!
Mania Mania Mania.
When you are bipolar, you are up you are down. When you are up, you are manic. I’ll be honest, with my bipolar – I am depressed 97% of the time. I really haven’t had any major manic episodes – maybe 3 real manic episodes ever. The rest have been hypomania. I have been in severe depressive episodes the majority of the time.
When I have gone into a manic episode though – mine is not a happy or good mania. It isn’t really a productive mania either. I kind of got the short straw when it came to mania. I do want to do a lot of things, but I want to do so many things, I start them all and go from one thing to another and so none of them get done.
So why is my mania not a good mania? Well – I don’t really get happy so much. I get irritated, I get agitated. People seem to bother me a lot more. When I am depressed, people bother me, but I don’t seem to have the energy to deal with them. I will yell or get mad, but I tend to just cry when I get frustrated. When I am manic – I have the energy to yell back and argue back and carry on with it. I don’t get physical and never have but I have those thoughts, my anger consumes me.
I also spend a lot of money. Way too much money. I have no idea what I am doing – I don’t think about the consequences of it at all. I am on disability because of my mental illness. I have no money whatsoever to be spending. When I am manic though, I am not even thinking about that. I just feel the need to buy something to keep my mind distracted, to keep my mind busy. Everything seems interesting to me. My mind sees something and I have a million thoughts on how I could use it and why I need it. Or I do things that I have no way of returning. I feel like I can save the world. I donate money to charities and give money to people. Not like $1 or even $10. I donate $100’s, and one time — a heck of a lot more than that. Yes, my credit card was not happy with me. I am glad it went to a good cause, but my bank account suffered – as did my refrigerator, pantry, and stomach and other bills.
I tend to do other reckless things too. Speeding, not horribly bad, but normally I am a very safe driver, so speeding is just crazy to me. Usually it is at night, cause I normally am only out at night after a NAMI meeting. But I feel like I am flying, ruling the world (of course when I am manic I have these crazy delusions). I tend to catch myself when I am doing this, and as I said, I never speed horribly, but the fact that it happens in the first place is something that definitely sets me apart from when I am not manic.
My lack of sleep is ridiculous. I can stay up all night, all day, all night. Or I may sleep, but only for an hour or two. I don’t know how I do it. I can pace my apartment, which is not big, so I don’t know how I don’t get bored? Seriously? Or I will start all these projects, which I referred to earlier – but never finish any of them. I will be inspired to paint pictures, draw zentangles, or draw abstract pictures. I will stay up watching Netflix movies galore. Everything just seems entertaining to me though. Or boring, everything can also seem boring – my mind will find it entertaining, and then suddenly switch to something else that is more entertaining.
The racing thoughts – they can drive you mad! These tend to happen in mania or not, but they are a hundred times worse when I am manic. From one thing to another. I cant figure out what to do, where to go, who I want to talk to or see.
On that note, who I want to talk to or see —- I am suddenly social!?! I have horrible social anxiety – what is going on? I can talk to people, I can see people, I want to see people! Mania does some crazy things to my brain. Well, I guess this might be a good part of my mania – socialization is a good thing.
So, my mania — overall, it isn’t a good mania. I hate my mania. People always say they miss their manias. They like their mania. I don’t like mine. I am so used to being depressed, severely depressed, that I don’t even know how to handle mania. I prefer depression. Even when I am not severely depressed, I have the low grade depression. I think everyone would prefer to just be stable over all – feel happy, experience the sad when appropriate, but be stable. That is what I hope for many times anyway. I know it is not what I have been given though, but I know that I will manage what I do have. I am going to battle these manic episodes and I am going to battle my depressive episodes. I am not going to give in though.