Tag Archives: personal

Kill the Elves!

Word Press Post a Day – A misused word, a misremembered song lyric, a cream pie that just happened to be there: tell us about a time you (or someone else) said or did something unintentionally funny.

I just said something unintentionally the other day that was extremely funny!  Or I should say I typed something — or my phone autocorrected it and I was not paying attention…something you should never do.  Never ever reply to a post on here and not pay attention to what your phone autocorrects!

I was replying to a post on Hope’s blog – she usually writes about mental health issues, which is something I am very passionate about.  Her post is here if you wish to read it.  Anyway, so I was commenting back – and there has been a lot of discussion since Robin Williams suicide about if suicide is selfish or not.  There are lots of different opinions about this – I understand that.  Mine personally, coming from someone who has mental illness and knows how it affects you, that it is a disease that takes over me and I don’t really know what I am doing, that I don’t understand what I am doing, and that it completely distorts my thinking, and for a wide variety of other reasons — is that it is not selfish.  I am really not wanting to get into a debate about this on here though.

However, my comment meant to say –

“…… And I don’t think anyone who kills themselves is selfish. I got into an argument with a friends friend on facebook about this the other day. It created some lively discussion to say the least!”

However, what ended up being said, thanks to the wonderful technology of autocorrect on my phone, which I failed to pay attention to was,

“……And I don’t think anyone who kills the elves is selfish. I got into an argument with a friends friend on facebook about this the other day. It created some lively discussion to say the least!”

Needless to say, apparently, deep down inside, I don’t think killing the elves is very selfish either!  I guess I have a subconscious dislike for elves.  They must not have built enough toys for me as a kid or my toys must have always broke because they weren’t built correctly – I’m not really sure.

So, feel free to kill the elves, I will not think you are selfish!

 

However, to be serious here —while I do not think it is selfish to commit suicide, that does not mean that I think you should do it.  So if you are depressed and struggling with suicidal thoughts or any other mental health issues – please reach out for help.  Talk to your doctor, a family member, or friend.  If you are in the US you can also call the suicide crisis line at:

1-800-273-8255

or go to:

www.crisischat.org

www.IMAlive.org

 

If you live internationally, you can find help and resources for numbers to call here or here.

Stay safe!

Pros and Cons for Today – 8/17/14

This is my challenge to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my day.  “Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.

First of all – yesterday I had some goals- to read a bit, to perhaps walk a bit, and maybe paint a picture.  I did achieve some of those!  Yea!!

Cons –

  • To be honest, I can’t really think of anything — I guess that’s good right?  Nothing really happened.  I didn’t do anything at all. So nothing bad could really happen.

Pros –

  • I read a book.  It was a young adult book, so nothing hard to read.
  • I went out to a store for about 30 minutes
  • I really wanted to order pizza, but I stopped myself cause I have no money whatsoever — self control!
  • I got to just hang out and watch some Netflix today – that is always fun 🙂

 

So tomorrow – I have my NAMI meeting that I facilitate, so I need to go to that. I also need to make sure that I continue to stay active.  So hopefully I read or get out again tomorrow.  That is my goal – same thing I did today…continue that.

 

Hope you all had a good day!

 

Depression Hurts

Depression hurts.  Literally.

Not only does it hurt us emotionally and mentally and where it decides to beat us up in our minds —

—- but physically it takes a toll on us.  Our bodies ache!  Our joints hurt.  Our muscles ache.  We get tired.  It feels like a truck hit us.  A bus ran over us.

I remember going to my doctor a few months ago and complaining that my joints were hurting me — not all of them, but my joints in my fingers and my toes, my ankles and my elbows.  Specifically my fingers though.  At some point her partner had diagnosed me with arthritis and it does run in my family.  She looked surprised and looked through the lab work — she said that the doctor had messed up my lab work, ordered the wrong tests, and diagnosed it off the wrong test.

Now I was confused — why the heck was I hurting so bad!!!  I was going through an awful bout of depression at the time.  She said it might have been the depression, that could definitely cause the pain, but to make sure she would run some labs and get some x-rays.

Off I went for the labs and x-rays.  A few days later – bam! I was fine! Nothing was wrong physically via the tests.

It was the depression.  I was feeling so bad that my body was literally hurting too.  I wasn’t purposefully making myself hurt, but I was feeling so bad emotionally that my body was too.

Depression can come out in so many ways.  Sometimes, people don’t even realize they are depressed immediately.  They know they feel a bit down, but their symptoms mainly appear as the physical aches and pains and fatigue.

At one point, there was even a Cymbalta commercial focused on “Depression Hurts” — a lot of people made fun of it, you can actually find parodies of it on youtube.  But it really isn’t funny… it is real – depression does hurt.  It hurts more than just mentally, it hurts physically too.

Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/16/14

This is my challenge to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my day.  “Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.  I actually almost forgot to do it today until Just Plain Ol’ Vic reminded me by commenting on yesterdays post! –Thanks for the reminder!

Pros –

  • I got a nice sleep thanks to my Ambien.  It was making my nightmares worse, so I quit taking it for a while.  But I wasn’t getting any sleep so I started it again, I’ll definitely take the sleep for now, even with some nightmares.
  • I got a donation to my GoFundMe account to help me pay for my grad school tuition!!! Not a big one, but every little bit counts and I am so grateful for it!
  • Mrs Doubtfire is on TV right now, this very minute as I write this!  It is so funny.  This movie came out when I was about 7 or 8 years old — I always wanted a nanny like him!  I didn’t binge watch and Robin Williams movies this week/end, but this one happened to be playing on the Hallmark Movie Channel, so I thought I would have it on in the background since it is one of my favorites.
  • Figured out an old student loan from undergrad.  Ugh will they ever leave me alone?!?!  At least for a little while longer I suppose.   “Leandro” promised me that it would be taken care of, so I expect not to get another bill from them — again.
  • I took a shower!  This might not seem like an accomplishment, but when I get depressed I can go days without one.  I hadn’t gone days, but I had gone two I think…and it was going to go on.  I stopped it though… I stopped it and jumped in and took one – a nice long hot one.

Cons –

  • I am trying to raise money on GoFundMe, for school but I am not really getting anywhere.  I am a little bit disappointed, but I know everyone is struggling with money.  Still kind of makes me feel bad though.  Keeping a positive attitude that it is all going to work out.
  • My apartment is kind of a mess — well it is always a mess, but I told myself it would get cleaned today and that just didn’t happen.
  • Slept a lot today, just kind of felt like escaping my emotions and didn’t feel like using any of my more active coping skills.
  • I ate too much 😦  Nibbling on food when I was awake — peanuts add up quickly in calories…especially when they are honey roasted peanuts.  I need some cocoa roasted almonds in those 100 calorie packs!

Goal for Tomorrow:

I really hope to be more awake for tomorrow.  I do not want to sleep through the day.  The weather here has been horrible – pouring rain almost all day long, literally, not more than 5-10 minutes of no rain or thunder.  I want to try to get out to a gym and walk or run on a treadmill a bit.  Just to get my anxiety out, get some energy burnt.  I want to perhaps read a bit of some of the text books I have received in regards to my future classes in grad school.  I want to maybe paint a small picture.

Now out of all of that — I just want to do one.  Small steps.  So if I just accomplish one of those, then I will be happy!

 

Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/15/14

I have been challenged by Izzy to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my dad.  Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.

Sooo Here we go:

Cons –

  1. Cleaned up my apartment
  2. Student Loan Bills in the mail – which I shouldn’t have
  3. Psychiatrist Bill in the mail – which I shouldn’t have
  4. Kind of just feeling under the weather
  5. Was all alone, no one to talk to today
  6. One panic attack
  7. Trying to figure out how to pay for Grad school…blah!

 

Pros –

  1. Alive – Living another day, but I missed the sunrise — maybe tomorrow?
  2. Woke up early (Thanks to a good sleep with Ambien!)
  3. Had some time to read today
  4. Listened to the rain and thunder, like every other day in Tampa – actually can’t figure out if this is a pro or con, but today it will be a pro
  5. Restricted myself from eating absolutely everything today (no I don’t have an eating disorder, but I can eat emotionally when I get bored or sad or manic or whatever the case may me).
  6. I didn’t go out and spend any money, or even look online on Amazon to spend money – even though they have smile.amazon.com which donates money to my charity (which is actually where I get my cousneling)…. whew.. I spend way too much money on that site with my bipolar.  Money I do not have.  Everyday I beat that is a day to celebrate.
  7. I watched my DVR of the Last Comic Standing season finale – sooo funny!! Made me laugh
  8. Looking forward to starting Grad School in like 2 weeks, but refer to Con number 7.

 

Ok this is definitely hard!  Over time I will get better at.

Anyone else want to take this challenge?

Just take your days, list your pros and cons for the day – that is it!  It helps you see what your day was like, the good and the bad.  Slowly helps you realize that not everything went bad, you do have good things in your life… even simple things.  Izzy has done a better job at conveying that in her blog over the past two days than I did in this though!

 

 

Finding the Right Therapist

I am so incredibly thankful for my therapist.  She has really been a lifesaver.  No, I have not been incredibly open with her yet.  Bit she has stood by me.  Through my crying, dissociation, suicidal ideation, not talking, avoiding it all – she has been there.

I have told her more than I have told anyone ever before.  I haven’t told her details about anything, but I have hinted at stuff.  That is still more than I have ever said to anyone.

I have never felt comfortable with a therapist before.  Well, once before I connected with a therapist, but it was after I had just been raped, and everything was so fresh on my memory I couldn’t comprehend anything and didn’t want to deal with anything, so I just didn’t.  She was wonderful and I got along with her, but I just couldn’t talk about the hard stuff.

Now, I have another great therapist after being with a million others – and I still have a hard time opening up, but I am getting there.  She has helped me realize that I need to talk to feel better, to heal.  I am really going to try to at my next appointment.  I don’t see her until next week.  I am really going to try to write and just practice talking out loud to myself to hear it out loud.  Say it.  I want to talk about it.  I want to heal.

Having a good therapist is such an important thing.  I don’t think I would be where I am today if I didn’t have my current therapist.  I still have bad days – horrible days.  I still have been hospitalized twice in the last year.  And even though each day I waiver on how I feel about myself, at least some days, I do feel ok about who I am.  Some days, I still hate myself, but there are some days that I do feel ok about myself now.

With my previous therapists, they didn’t even touch on my trauma.  Of course, we were trying to get my bipolar under control as that was completely out of control – but they also solely kind of focused on my BPD.  I am not saying none of that was irrelevant, but I think now that I have really been working on my trauma – I have been having a better grasp on my emotions over all and being able to control things – I have been able to take better care of myself over all.

As I said, I still have really bad days.  I still have almost had to be readmitted to the hospital, even recently.  I still have the suicidal ideations.  I still get mad and blow up at people.  But compared to how I was, having my current therapist has been a godsend.

If you don’t feel like your therapist is the right fit – keep looking.  It is ok to “fire” your therapist.  They are working for you, and if they aren’t the right fit, it is ok to find another one.  I didn’t do this a lot of the time… I kept sticking it out with mine and it never helped me.  I would just go to session after session getting nothing out of it, feeling miserable.  I would give up, stop taking meds, and just get worse.  I finally had someone tell me – its ok to shop around for a therapist.  You have to find one you mesh with, someone that you clique with, someone that you feel comfortable with.  And you will know within the first 2-3 sessions.  You don’t have to go for 3 months to figure out if they are the therapist for you.  And if they are a good therapist, they aren’t going to be offended if you leave – they know that not everyone works with well with everyone.  Certain styles of therapy work with certain people.

So – don’t give up if you don’t think therapy is working.  Keep looking for a good therapist.  Keep advocating for yourself.  I used to think therapy was stupid cause no one seemed to be helpful for me.  But there is someone out there that you will get alone with and connect with – you just have to find them.

MIA today – but will Catch up tomorrow! — Anyone read Eckhart Tolle?

Hey Everyone!

 

I have had somewhat of a busy day, so I have had much time to look at my posts today to respond to comments 😦

BUT…. I am going to get to them I promise!  I have scanned a few and will most definitely be replying to them!  I haven’t forgotten about you!  I just needed to focus on some of my “homework” (DBT/CBT) for therapy to work through my anxiety, depression, and PTSD  as well as just started to re-read a book that my case manager from 3 years ago bought me for graduation, which I never read as I was so unfocused.  My therapist brought it up, so I thought I would look it up.  It was a book called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.  Anyone else ever read it???  Would love to hear what you all thing!  Feel free to leave some messages below about it.

It is a pretty good book – talks a lot about mindfulness.  There is quite a bit I don’t agree with, but it does have some decent stuff in there.  She gave it to me in a version on audible, so I have a hard time focusing, but I think I am halfway through.

Anyway,  I write posts ahead of time, so I think I have some coming out tomorrow that you should get to read still.  And I will try to get back to reading through some comments and being more present on here to get back to everyone!

 

Thanks for all the support!!! 🙂

Not – “Why Did This Happen”, But “What Can I do Now, Where Can I Go From Here?

This blog has been a great release for me.  I have also said I still struggle.  At the moment, that last sentence is something that has been a problem for me.

It is a struggle that I am dealing with in a way I am not very much used to.  In fact, anything that is misspelled or looks weird in this I am sorry.

I have been dealing with trauma therapy.  It has been going well, I have an amazing therapist and am so grateful that I her.  She has stuck by me even when I could be open right away.  It is getting hardest though and I can’t stay present much.  Im awake then Im interacting with someone.  If I sit at home, going off, I dream, I imagine, I cry, its in my face, its happening to me.  Im fighting on the floor.  The thoughts are being yelled in my years

I took ambien cause I just feel myself leaving.  I talked to a friend from  my NAMI group.  I told her that my meds have made me better.  I am not severely depressed like how I was.  I do find joy at times.  I still have this underlying ever day depression though.  I still have this need to die though.  It is this bizarre need, like I have always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be alive.

Is it because of the childhood abuse?  Is it because of my genes?  It is because of both?  Nature, nurture, both?

I am not I will ever know what has cause my brain to hurt the way it hurts or have such hard feelings.

Anyway, I am on ambien and am completely falling asleep.  So as I said there maybe a completely a million mistakes and this may make no sense.  But I felt the need to write this.

Thinking our thoughts is hard.  Ruminating on why things happen can consume our lives.  From here, we really should just be asking, not why? but what now?

Not why did this happen. When did it happen?

But — What can I do now, from  this point forward, what can I do?Where Can I go From Here

Anyway, I am posted this ahead of time, so it should be posted in a few days, but I am totally tired from the medication now… so if it appears as if I should have been awake when it is up and posted, this is why 🙂  Best wishes everyone ! For some reason this was on my mind and I felt like writing it, perhaps I will re-write it or a follow up later though.

Please add your thoughts as well!

Not Asking for Help – A Mistake I Won’t Make Again

What is a mistake I will never make again?

I won’t ever not ask for help again.  I went for years not asking for help.  Hiding my depression, hiding my pain.  I didn’t want people to think I was weak.  I didn’t want people to not love me or care about me.  I wanted to be strong and competitive in this world.  I wanted to prove I could be somebody.

Depression, Bipolar, BPD, PTSD, Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective, OCD, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Trauma, Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Rape – whatever the mental illness  or Trauma/Past is though – it doesn’t mean you are weak.  It took me far to long to figure that out.

All I knew was that this world was about getting ahead.  That is all that was preached to me in school – you have to do this, you have to do that.  Learn this, learn that.  Get into the best school, earn the highest grades.  Take the ACT, the SAT. Apply, apply, apply.  I was miserable, but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

On top of that, I really didn’t believe I was going to be alive.  I really thought I was going to be dead, either by a natural death or by suicide.  I didn’t think I was actually going to have to live up to those expectations anyway.  So I never asked for help.

Then there was also the little fact that it was brought to people attention that I needed help, and no one seemed to care – so why would I ask for help when no one wanted to help me in the first place when others told them I needed it?

After being miserable for years though, and then seeing what my life has been like with the right medications and proper therapy — I would give so much to go back and get these things earlier in my life.  What a difference I think it would have made, how much easier my life would have been.

Even though people don’t always listen when we ask for help.  I still will always ask for it.  I still will always plead for it.  I won’t give up.  I will keep asking, I will keep begging, I will keep pleading for the help.  If I need help – I will get it – no matter what.  Because not asking for help, will just lead to my destruction.  I know that now.