Tag Archives: postaday

Would You Work?

Word Press Post A Day – If money were out of the equation, would you still work? If yes, why, and how much? If not, what would you do with your free time?

If money was out of the question, I think I would work.  Maybe not a lot, but I would work.

I’m on disability right now.  In fact I haven’t worked since 2012.  Right now, I don’t even think I could work yet.

I wish I could work though.  I wish I was able to be out there, be around people, do something with my day, be productive, feel like I was contributing to society, making a difference.

At this point, even getting out to volunteer hasn’t been possible.  So I can’t feel any of those things.

My bipolar has finally stabilized quite a bit thanks to my medication, so the highs and lows are not as bad.  My borderline personality is getting better.  My PTSD and social anxiety is out of control though at this point.  Most people would brush this off as no big deal. Surely you can still work! Those that have been there understand though, or I hope they understand.

Even if money wasn’t an issue – I got no money, not a lot of money, or a ton of money — I would love to work.  I don’t think I would work a lot.   I would work enough though.  Enough to give me a routine.  A routine if what I need.  A routine is important to my life.  It grounds me.  It actually helps me, but until I can keep commitments and not get overwhelmed and handle social situations and relationships with others and not be so depressed that I miss a ton of work or attempt suicide and end up in the hospital from the overwhelming situations or depression — until then, even if a routine from work would help me — it just wouldn’t be possible.

I am signed up with my states vocational rehab.  They would be able to work with me, set me up with a job coach and put me in a program to work with me .  They are so backed up with other people though that I am on a wait list.  They are only now getting people off the list from a year ago…..

 

A Light at The End of the Tunnel

Word Press Post A Day – You’ve been given the ability to build a magical tunnel that will quickly and secretly connect your home with the location of your choice — anywhere on Earth. Where’s the other end of your tunnel?

A tunnel? Anywhere on earth my heart desires?

To be honest, I am not sure this tunnel could take me where I want to go.  I could get wherever I want to go on earth on any given day if I really wanted to – by car, plane, boat.  I don’t always have the money — but I could save up for it, borrow it, be a stow-a-way (heck some 60 year old woman has done that 4 times and all she got was a little bit of jail finally, surely I can do that if I wanted!).  Anyway, back to my thoughts — there are a lot of places on earth I want to go to, I love traveling, but I wouldn’t want a tunnel to just take me to them.  That would take away me seeing all the beauty of getting there.

I would want a tunnel for something else.

If I could have a tunnel — I would want that tunnel to take me the I guess you would call it “the light at the end of the tunnel.”  I want to see this place that everyone keeps telling me about.  This place that is supposed to be there despite all my depression, bipolar, PTSD, and borderline personality problems.  Despite all my downs — I am supposed to have this “light at the end of the tunnel.”  Well, if I am finally getting a tunnel — I will definitely let it take me there.  I want to see it.  I want to see this light, I want to see if it really leads me to happiness?  Or contentment? Or as someone told me once – maybe it is just a train coming at me and I should just stop trying to look for that light because it is just as bad as the situation I am in now.  Umm thanks buddy for that encouragement…

There are good days and there are bad days.  There is no quick fix.  Nothing is going to make everything get magically better.  Life may seem miserable every single day.  You never know when you will reach that light at the end of the tunnel though unless you keep living.  It may be today, it may be tomorrow, it may be a year from now, or it may when you are 100 years old.  That tunnel eventually ends though and there is a light.  In fact, it may be broken up and it may stop and start again – there may be hints of light here and there.  It may be discouraging that the light keeps going away.  But it still has to eventually end all together – a tunnel cannot last forever.

Flowers? For Me?

Word Press Post a Day – You return home to discover a huge flower bouquet waiting for you, no card attached. Who is it from — and why did they send it to you?

Flowers?  For me?  No one ever treats me to flowers or candy or even a nice dinner.  I live alone.  I don’t really know anyone.  Depression and social anxiety kind of stop that from happening.  So who would send me flowers?

I’ll tell you who!  Me!!!  I sent myself flowers.  Why?  Because I deserve to get something special every once in a while.  I deserve to have someone come to my door, leave a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I don’t need a note.   I wrote the note and sent it in the mail the same day, it should get here in a few days.  It will be another reminder for me.   A note that reminds me how special I am and that I need to love and take care of myself – sometimes I forget that when I am down.

We all need to remember to treasure ourselves.  We don’t need to depend on others to always give us gifts.  We should be able to give ourselves gifts.  Not necessarily flowers – but a day off, or look into the mirror and smile and see the beauty in ourselves, to be able to feel good about ourselves.  It is ok to do something nice for ourselves.  In fact, it is necessary to do something nice for ourselves.

So, I sent myself these flowers.  I sent them to remind myself of what a wonderful person I am.  Even if I have no one around me, no significant others, no friend, no one that would think to send me flowers – I still deserve them.  I deserve them for being me – for being a beautiful, on the inside and out, person.

 

MIA today – but will Catch up tomorrow! — Anyone read Eckhart Tolle?

Hey Everyone!

 

I have had somewhat of a busy day, so I have had much time to look at my posts today to respond to comments 😦

BUT…. I am going to get to them I promise!  I have scanned a few and will most definitely be replying to them!  I haven’t forgotten about you!  I just needed to focus on some of my “homework” (DBT/CBT) for therapy to work through my anxiety, depression, and PTSD  as well as just started to re-read a book that my case manager from 3 years ago bought me for graduation, which I never read as I was so unfocused.  My therapist brought it up, so I thought I would look it up.  It was a book called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.  Anyone else ever read it???  Would love to hear what you all thing!  Feel free to leave some messages below about it.

It is a pretty good book – talks a lot about mindfulness.  There is quite a bit I don’t agree with, but it does have some decent stuff in there.  She gave it to me in a version on audible, so I have a hard time focusing, but I think I am halfway through.

Anyway,  I write posts ahead of time, so I think I have some coming out tomorrow that you should get to read still.  And I will try to get back to reading through some comments and being more present on here to get back to everyone!

 

Thanks for all the support!!! 🙂

If I Wrote a Book…

Word Press Post A Day – A literary-minded witch gives you a choice: with a flick of the wand, you can become either an obscure novelist whose work will be admired and studied by a select few for decades, or a popular paperback author whose books give pleasure to millions. Which do you choose?

I would absolutely love for people to just be obsessed with my book so much that they just study it for decades.  However,  if I wrote a book I would want it to be interesting – I would it to grab peoples attention, to let them escape the world or educate them, preferably both.

Actually I have an idea for a book, but I do not have the concentration to actually sit down and focus on it at this point.  If anyone has read my previous posts, my blog focuses on mental health issues for the most part — or the majority posts—- or all of my posts with the exception of basically one.

If I wrote a book, I would want it to be about mental health, because there is such a stigma about it.  I wouldn’t want it to just reach out to those that have it though.  I would want it to educate everyone – those that have it, those that done, cats, dogs, birds, fish, whoever wants to read it, bite it, scratch it, peck on it, hmm maybe fish can’t swim on it.  It wouldn’t make fun of mental illness, that is not something one should make fun of, but mental illness is something that you can still have fun with.  There are funny things, funny stories that people can tell, we are still people with funny lives because of our mental illness.  Combining our mental illness to educated others with the good things we have done, how we overcame our challenges, showing our funny side, perhaps showing our challenges while using humor, those are the things I would want to do.

It would be a best seller – all around the world.  Written in so many languages – because lets be honest, mental illness affects everyone.  Not just poor people, not just brown haired people, or rich people, or Hispanics, or white people, or purple haired people, or people that drink Pepsi instead of Coke.  

I would love for a few people to become so obsessed the read my book for decades, and if that happens to occur with this one, that would be awesome!  But most importantly, I want my book to be enjoyed by everyone – to educate everyone about the stigmas of mental illness – for people to be able to escape into humor and the lives of those that live with mental illness so they can see we are people just them.

Second Opinions – Not Getting it When I Should, Getting it when I Dont Need it

Word Press Post A Day – What are some (or one) of the things about which you usually don’t trust your own judgment, and need someone’s else’s confirmation?

Second opinions and getting someone else’s confirmation.  What would “so and so tell you about that” or “why would you ask me?”  are two common statements and responses I get from people.  I either need a second opinion and didn’t know it, oops — or I want a second opinion and I guess I shouldn’t need it?

I need a second opinion on a lot of things I do, but I don’t generally get it.  Being bipolar – I can be pretty impulsive when I am manic or depressed.  I go on wild spending sprees when manic– which I could definitely have someone around to ask me – “Hey, do you really need that, are you going to have enough money in your bank account if you buy that, in fact how about you just put that down.” When I am depressed, thoughts of suicide swarm my head and for years I would just impulsively do it.  Again, having that second opinion – “Is this really what you want, what are the consequences, what if you fail and have a horrible life of pain because of how you did it, or what if you succeed and everyone around you hurts because of it?”

On the important things, I never get second opinions.  Then there is this whole thing that comes along with my borderline personality – where I can’t really decide on my identity and my social anxiety and PTSD where I always want to make people happy though.  So if someone asks me a question, I am completely indecisive.  Maybe this, maybe that —- I don’t know, what do you want, what do you think?  It’s up to you.  Please give me your opinion!  I don’t want to make the decision!  I don’t think my decision is the right one.

I think talking things through with others is a good idea.  Of course, we should be able to logically think things thought on our own in simple cases, where to eat, what to do for the day etc.  Although I even have trouble with that because of my mental health issues, but it is just something I need to work on.  But when it comes to bigger issues – not even just related to suicide or manic episodes, but anything that we don’t fully comprehend ourselves or think we logically understand but everyone around us tells us otherwise – they tell us we are doing the wrong thing – perhaps we should sit down and think about, focus on it and get that second opinion from someone, perhaps a third and fourth.

And no, just because the majority of people tell you something, it does not mean it is right for you.  For example, if you are fighting cancer and think it is time to stop, you know your body more than anyone else.  But, it also helps to get that second opinion.

I wish I would have reached out and talked to people before going out and doing my crazy impulsive behaviors related to my bipolar and I hope I do reach out the next time it happens.  So far, I have been good about doing that related to any suicidal thoughts.  I hope I can relax on being so indecisive and be more confident in my decisions so I don’t need second opinions on if I picked the right place to eat or go to etc.

 

 

 

When Life Gives You Lemons — No… no I won’t make lemonade

Word Press Post A Day –  When life gives you lemons… make something else. Tell us about a time you used an object or resolved a tricky situation in an unorthodox way.

I am sure that there are many times I have fixed things in an unorthodox way.  I was a very creative kid.  I went to Math, Science, Technology Magnet schools.  We were taught all sorts of critical thinking schools.  In nursing school you are taught critical thinking skills and to think outside of the box to help patients and solve problems.  I have had to come up with ways to fix all sorts of things with unconventional methods.

I hate the term, “When life gives you lemons just make lemonade” though!  No, when life gives you lemons you can’t always  just turn the situation around.  Sometimes life gives you lemons and it just sucks!  You have to just take it, know that it sucks, let yourself feel those emotions that it sucks, and acknowledge that it sucks.  You have a right to feel those thoughts and feelings and emotions.  Why do people always have to tell us to get over it, move on, just fix it?  I know we cannot wallow in it or ruminate on the problem or have pity party – of course not.  But what we feel is what we feel and we have the right to feel those emotions.  There is no reason that when something bad happens in our life that we should not be allowed to express that.  If something bad happens, let me feel like shit.  Stop telling me to just go make lemonade.  I don’t want to make lemonade.  I want to be pissed off for a while.  Once I work through those emotions then perhaps I would have squeezed through enough of those lemons with my anger and frustration that the lemonade will appear and I might have bought some sugar at the store to add to it.

Pushing the bad stuff that happens to me to the back of my mind and never dealing with it, just makes it come back 10x harder later on in life.  It builds up in me and eventually comes out as anger or resentment towards others.  So no, no I am not just going to make lemonade or something else when life gives me lemons.  Not right away anyway.  Perhaps you will get some lemonade over time, a cup at a time over a while.  But you aren’t going to be getting a jar of it all at once and I surely wont be setting up a lemonade stand making any money off of it.

Daily Post – Perusing on Through

Word Press Post A Day -This is clearly subjective, but some words really sound like the thing they describe (personal favorites: puffin; bulbous; fidgeting). Do you have an example of such a word (or, alternatively, of a word that sounds like the exact opposite of what it refers to)? What do you think creates this effect?

As I sat in therapy today, my therapist gave me a DBT Skill book about anxiety.  I of course, was having some trouble with my depression and anxiety and she told me to simply “peruse” the book.  Just look through some chapters…

Oftentimes, we hear a word, and we get this definition in our head of what it means.  Usually we understand the definition correctly, and what the word sounds like in the context and our sentences sound correct.  Others seem to be using it the same way as well.  There are many words that have come to sounds one way, but really mean the exact opposite though.  Ironic is the first one that comes to my mind.

However, for this topic of conversation — I am talking about the word “peruse.”  See, I was told to peruse through this book.  She didn’t want to overwhelm me, just to skim through it.  Unfortunately, peruse does not mean to skim through it or browse through reading something.  It actually means to carefully look through and pay attention to all the details.

According to dictionary.com

verb (used with object), pe·rused, pe·rus·ing.

1. to read through with thoroughness or care: to peruse a report.
2. to read.
3. to survey or examine in detail.
Of course, with how our English language works, we cannot be picky about words like this.  We have to pay attention to these context clues – who is talking to us, the tone of voice, the type of conversation, etc.  There are so many meanings behind words and how they have changed over the years, different slang terms, regional things, and things that haven’t been added or developed into our dictionaries.
So … as the next week goes on, I will peruse through this DBT book — perhaps I will just skim through it —- perhaps I will dive in deep reading every last detail.  I guess it depends on how interesting it is!

Daily Post – Writer’s Block? Nope, Writing Helps me Cope

Word Press Post A Day – When was the last time you experienced writer’s block? What do you think brought it about — and how did you dig your way out of it?

I just started doing these Post A Day things from Word Press – I thought it might help me expand on my topics – bring in new ideas to relate to mental health…which is what my blog is about.  For the most part, I think it has helped a bit.  I think most of them I have been able to relate to mental health/illness in some way, even if it has been a bit of a stretch at times.  Except Unlikely Pairing – that one, nope, I just couldn’t tie in.  I wrote about it anyway, just to write.

I am passionate about mental health though.  I have been affected with mental illness my whole life.  There is so much stigma associated with mental illness though.  You rarely hear about the great people that have mental illness, just the horrible stories related to it.  Everyone just gets a bad picture.

I created this blog to show my struggles, but also my triumphs over my disorders – my bipolar, my borderline personality disorder, and my PTSD.  All of which I struggle with daily.  I also overcome it everyday though.

Each day I get up, I write on here.  I write about what mental illness is, or how to cope with it,  quotes related to it, how it has affected me, how it might be affecting me that day, what I am going to do in the future to overcome a challenge that I faced because of it, suicide, sexual abuse, past traumas, therapy, etc.

I’m sure I had writers block in high school related to some silly essay my AP English teacher wanted me to write.  When it comes down to something that I am interested in though, something I am passionate about – no, I haven’t had it.  I am sure it might come eventually, but so far, it hasn’t hit me.  I hope it doesn’t because this is a topic that needs to be spoken up for and needs to be heard.

This is my coping skill.  It’s keeping me mentally healthy right now.  Or as much as it can anyway.