Tag Archives: psych hospitals

Daily Post – I Wanted To Feel Human, I wanted to Feel Alive. I Thought Suicide Could Do This

Word Press Post A Day – After an especially long and exhausting drive or flight, a grueling week at work, or a mind-numbing exam period — what’s the one thing you do to feel human again?


Feeling alive again, feeling human again.  How I long for those sometimes.  It is so easy for me to just feel numb and dead.  My depression can take over.  It can consume me.  Lifting a piece of paper, can feel like I just moved a boulder. 

Three years ago, I wouldn’t have done anything to feel alive.  After a grueling week, an exhausting week, a horrible exam, or anything that just overwhelmed me — I would have attempted suicide.  If I was alive, then I could die.  Bizarre thought process right?  That is how it was for me though.  Mental illness was lying to me, it was messing up my thoughts, my emotions, and really destroying my life.  Over and over again I attempted suicide, landed in the ER, the ICU, and in psych hospitals

Today, I don’t do that anymore.  I still have the suicidal thoughts, yes.  I reach out for help before anything happens though.  I also use my coping skills.  To feel alive, I paint, I juggle, I draw, I write, I spend time in nature, I do anything and everything to keep me from ruminating on whatever it was that made me have an exhausting or overwhelming situation.  I don’t do one thing to feel human again.  I can’t do one thing – for me, I have to do multiple things, I have to keep trying things and if one thing does work, I have to move on to another thing. If I don’t do that, then I might fall back into my old pattern – and I don’t want that.  If that happens, then I won’t even be able to be alive. 

A little bit about….

Today, as I start this, I look back on how far I have come in my own recovery.  I currently have been diagnosed with Bipolar, PTSD, and Borderline Personality disorder.  I have had problems with mental health for as far back as I can remember, but I distinctly remember at the age of 10 feeling the absolute pain of deep pain and feelings of wanting to die.  That pain continued to worsen for the years to come.  In 2011, while in my junior of college, I completely fell apart though.  I had my first of 15 psychiatric hospitalizations that would occur within a two year period and would lead to my commitment in a state hospital.  However, that commitment would be the best thing that ever happened to me.  I was in an intense treatment program, I had an excellent psychiatrist, psychologist, group therapists, recreational therapists, psychiatric technicians, and made a lot of friends who I actually still talk to.  I spent 6 months there and left stable on medications, with a better understanding that I NEEDED to take my medications to feel better.  A concept that I failed to really believe before that.  Since being out of the state hospital, I have been hospitalized twice, however 2 times in one year is a big improvement for me opposed to 15 times in 2 years, so I feel like I have accomplished a lot, especially since both times I reached out for help opposed to being court ordered on a 72 hour hold.

There were many things that have helped me get to where I am today in addition to the professional support and medications.  Most importantly, support groups.  I have been involved in NAMI (The National Alliance for Mental Illness) Connection Support Groups since 2011, in 3 different states, that I have lived in.  Every time I moved I found a group to attend.  It has been integral to my recovery as it helps me connect with others that have similar problems as me and find coping skills, help others, and gain support when I feel I am slipping.  Currently, I am going through training to become a facilitator myself and I am very excited to move on to this role! But I will continue to attend one group a week as a participant to ensure I follow through on getting support for myself as well.

That is just a little bit about myself.

More importantly though – Through this blog, I want to express issues related to mental health.  Different disorders, coping skills, problems with the mental health system, and other issues.