Your story isn’t over yet.
Your story isn’t over yet.
Word Press Post A Day – After an especially long and exhausting drive or flight, a grueling week at work, or a mind-numbing exam period — what’s the one thing you do to feel human again?
Feeling alive again, feeling human again. How I long for those sometimes. It is so easy for me to just feel numb and dead. My depression can take over. It can consume me. Lifting a piece of paper, can feel like I just moved a boulder.
Three years ago, I wouldn’t have done anything to feel alive. After a grueling week, an exhausting week, a horrible exam, or anything that just overwhelmed me — I would have attempted suicide. If I was alive, then I could die. Bizarre thought process right? That is how it was for me though. Mental illness was lying to me, it was messing up my thoughts, my emotions, and really destroying my life. Over and over again I attempted suicide, landed in the ER, the ICU, and in psych hospitals.
Today, I don’t do that anymore. I still have the suicidal thoughts, yes. I reach out for help before anything happens though. I also use my coping skills. To feel alive, I paint, I juggle, I draw, I write, I spend time in nature, I do anything and everything to keep me from ruminating on whatever it was that made me have an exhausting or overwhelming situation. I don’t do one thing to feel human again. I can’t do one thing – for me, I have to do multiple things, I have to keep trying things and if one thing does work, I have to move on to another thing. If I don’t do that, then I might fall back into my old pattern – and I don’t want that. If that happens, then I won’t even be able to be alive.
Don’t take me! I don’t want to go. I’m not going!!!
Going to a psychiatric hospital can be incredibly scary. There are a lot of horror stories about them. And for the most part, in today’s society, the horror stories are not true. I say “for the most part” because I know that for some people, they have had bad things happen to them. But, in general, most facilities are safe places, where people can go and get the care they needed. They are not strapped down for hours and hours, stabbed with needles, and/or drugged up and drooling on a couch.
As I have mentioned a few times on here before, I have a little bit of experience with psychiatric hospitalizations. 17 different hospitalizations to be exact – at 7 different facilities.
Out of all of these facilities, I would say I had bad experiences at 2 of them, and out of those 2, only one of those was a really horrible experience, and I would say I would absolutely never want to be admitted to that hospital again. Despite that, I know people that have been admitted to that hospital, and have had completely different experiences than me – so I don’t know, perception of how I compared it to the other hospitals I went to maybe?
All of these hospitalizations ranged in time differences – from as short as 3 days to one as long as 6 months at a state hospital (that hospital was probably the best hospital I was ever at).
The reason why I really am writing this, is because far to often people talk about their bad experiences at the psych hospital. No one really talks about how much it might have helped them. This tends to scare people off from actually going and getting help when they need it. They are scared they might lose their kids, or they will never get out, they will be restrained and tied to a bed, they will be treated bad.
This isn’t true though. I can’t promise every hospital is going to be amazing. It isn’t a 5 star hotel, and some hospitals are newer and better than others. But it is a safe place if you are in danger of hurting yourself or others. It is a place for you to get help. Unless there is abuse or neglect of your kids where they are in immediate danger, they wont take away your kids if you have someone to watch them while you are there – you will get them back (per every situation I have ever encountered with people that have had kids). You might be there 1 day (unless you are under a 72 hour hold), or you might be there a month – but that is between you and the doctor and how you feel you are doing. If you are not a danger to yourself or others though, they cannot keep you in there against your will.
I know it might not seem like the hospitals helped me at all, considering I was in and out of them so much. But they did! They saved my life. If it wasn’t for them, I would be dead. I would go on and off my medication, I was non compliant. I didn’t think I needed help. I didn’t know how to accept the help. Every time I went in I hated life and wanted to die – or had actually attempted suicide. They would bring me back to reality, get me back on my meds. Get me into the group therapy there, the techs would talk to me, the psychiatrist would talk to me. I relearned how to use my coping skills. I got stabilized. For the time being anyway. For me, it took more than an acute care hospital – it took the state hospital. For most, it doesn’t take that though. But for me, that state hospital literally saved me from destruction.
I spent 6 months there and I was scared to go. When they told me I was being committed I was scared. Yet, I didn’t even think much of it at the same time. I was so over hospitals and assumed I would kill myself no matter what it didn’t phase me. In the end, after 6 months, I was a new person. Yes, I still struggle, but I think about how much time and effort everyone put into teaching me how to live again, not just survive in life but actually live. The psychiatrist, nurse, medical doctors, therapists, psychologists, techs, recreational therapists – it was amazing how much everyone cared.
People at psych hospitals do care. It is a not a gloomy place where patients are catatonic and drugged up, tied to chairs and beds. Groups take place, patients make friends, support is given. I still have friends from some of my hospitalizations in the acute care hospitals and friends from the state hospital. And we keep in touch more often than other friends because they understand me much better.
If you need help, reach out. Take it. It is there. Don’t be scared.