Why I Choose to Live –
During one of my hospitalizations, we had to create a safety place. We were given a bunch of note cards and asked to put lots of different things on them….
- Warning signs that we were getting depressed
- Triggers for our depression
- Coping skills
- Things that made us happy
- and of course – who we could call when we felt suicidal
One of those cards though also was for, why we chose to live. Why did we want to live. What were our reasons for living.
I found that safety place the other day and looked through it. Most of it is completely irrelevant at this point. None of those people are in my life anymore. The triggers and warning signs I suppose are still there. Coping skills have changed. Things that make me happy are not the same. And, the reasons why I choose to live — well I am pretty sure I completely made up every single one of those just so I could tell myself there was something to live for — or the hospital made me write something.
Like, I wrote I wanted to have kids — yeah I have never wanted kids. Or I never wanted a baby of my own, to come out of me (sorry if that was graphic). But since being molested and raped, I just don’t deal with things “down there” very well. Adoption of an older kid, maybe. I wanted to live for God — yeah I believe in God, but I also don’t think God will send me to hell for suicide (don’t really want to debate this on here, so please don’t). Anyway, there was a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t understand why I wrote it.
So I figured I would make a new list — perhaps one I really thought about. So here goes – Reasons why I choose to live:
- I want to be able to use my past to help others. I am currently going to grad school to gain a degree in which I will be able to work with those that have been victims of trauma and mental health issues. I have experienced both of these things and I never thought I would be able to actually to turn my experiences into something positive. I hope that I can help others, by knowing where they are coming from, and relating to them, to help them overcome their traumas. I want to live so I can achieve this goal – getting my degree and helping others.
- I want to live to see if I will ever be happy, like really happy. I don’t know how to explain this, but I guess I want to see if there really is that light at the end of the tunnel. If I give up today, and then tomorrow would have been the day that would have magically been better – that would really suck. So I guess I should just keep living to find out! I am going to live to find out if that day ever comes. If it never comes, I will be pretty upset, but it won’t really matter if I am upset when I am dead will it?
- I want to live to see how much the world changes! Seriously, I can’t believe how much has changed in the 26 years I have been alive already. Just hearing how much it has changed for those that are older than me too. I can’t even imagine staying alive to watch it advance even more. What if they make awesome cool technology things – well of course they are going to do that! What if they find a cure for the different types of mental illnesses? I’m sure they are going to find better treatments for them at the very least.
- I want to see what the next big movie is. I really enjoy movies and while a lot of them suck – there are also a lot of good ones out there. Did anyone see Boyhood? It is filmed over 12 years with the same actors, great movie! Had a bit of triggers in there for me as there is some abuse in it, but it was sooo good! That was the last movie I saw last week. Now, just to keep living to see the next great movie!
- Travel! I really want to travel all over! I choose to live because I have not been everywhere yet. I will not die til I have been everywhere. Even after I have been everywhere, I still have all these other reasons to live – but this is one of them! I want to go to so many different countries!
- Most importantly — I choose to live for me. I have always done everything for everyone else. I have gone to school for other people, well yes I know school is required as a child, but I picked my high school electives based on what I thought people wanted. I picked my college major based on what I thought people would want. I did enjoy is all, yes, but it was still all for everyone else. I have always felt the need to please every (which goes back to my history of abuse). I have never felt like I can do something just for me. So, I choose to live for me. Not for anyone else, but for me.
Why do you choose to live???