Tag Archives: stress

A Light at The End of the Tunnel

Word Press Post A Day – You’ve been given the ability to build a magical tunnel that will quickly and secretly connect your home with the location of your choice — anywhere on Earth. Where’s the other end of your tunnel?

A tunnel? Anywhere on earth my heart desires?

To be honest, I am not sure this tunnel could take me where I want to go.  I could get wherever I want to go on earth on any given day if I really wanted to – by car, plane, boat.  I don’t always have the money — but I could save up for it, borrow it, be a stow-a-way (heck some 60 year old woman has done that 4 times and all she got was a little bit of jail finally, surely I can do that if I wanted!).  Anyway, back to my thoughts — there are a lot of places on earth I want to go to, I love traveling, but I wouldn’t want a tunnel to just take me to them.  That would take away me seeing all the beauty of getting there.

I would want a tunnel for something else.

If I could have a tunnel — I would want that tunnel to take me the I guess you would call it “the light at the end of the tunnel.”  I want to see this place that everyone keeps telling me about.  This place that is supposed to be there despite all my depression, bipolar, PTSD, and borderline personality problems.  Despite all my downs — I am supposed to have this “light at the end of the tunnel.”  Well, if I am finally getting a tunnel — I will definitely let it take me there.  I want to see it.  I want to see this light, I want to see if it really leads me to happiness?  Or contentment? Or as someone told me once – maybe it is just a train coming at me and I should just stop trying to look for that light because it is just as bad as the situation I am in now.  Umm thanks buddy for that encouragement…

There are good days and there are bad days.  There is no quick fix.  Nothing is going to make everything get magically better.  Life may seem miserable every single day.  You never know when you will reach that light at the end of the tunnel though unless you keep living.  It may be today, it may be tomorrow, it may be a year from now, or it may when you are 100 years old.  That tunnel eventually ends though and there is a light.  In fact, it may be broken up and it may stop and start again – there may be hints of light here and there.  It may be discouraging that the light keeps going away.  But it still has to eventually end all together – a tunnel cannot last forever.

Spike in Crisis Line Phone Calls after Robin Williams Death

Since the death of Robin Williams, there has been a spike in calls to crisis lines around the US and Australia.  I am not sure about other parts of the world, as I simply saw articles pertaining to these two countries, however I am sure they probably went up as well.

Calls, chats, messages, and clicks on their websites to Lifeline in America, Lifeline in Australia, Beyond Blue in Australia,  the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) information line and Facebook page, and local crisis centers all around the US.

Many people were reaching out, seeking help for their depression, suicidal thoughts, and some were simply wondering how people can be depressed – how can someone look happy and yet feel so much pain and kill themselves.  Perhaps with that last question, people will begin to understand depression more and even see or help someone else around them who might present happy but really be very depressed.

While they do not really know how many people were reaching out for help due to their depression and suicidal thoughts prior to Robin Williams death versus those who were affected by his death and began to feel suicidal after in response to his death (example, when you have someone close to you die, you begin to feel like you want to die) — they are glad that more people know about the crisis lines and support systems and are using them.

While I do think Robin Williams death brought a great deal of attention to suicide and mental health, I also think it is going to die down soon as it usually does even though people seem to care very much about it after such a loss.  However, hopefully after all those posts of the suicide hotline numbers – this will not die down and people will remember these resources – and use them – and reach out for help when they need to.

Here are a few articles discussing the increases in spikes in crisis center calls — and there are quite a few more if you search on the internet.

Australian News Article Discussing the increase in spikes in crisis calls

American Aljazeera Article Discussing the increase in spikes in crisis line calls

Houston, TX News Article Discussing local crisis center call increase

Augusta, Maine Article – Discussing local crisis center call increase

Depression Hurts

Depression hurts.  Literally.

Not only does it hurt us emotionally and mentally and where it decides to beat us up in our minds —

—- but physically it takes a toll on us.  Our bodies ache!  Our joints hurt.  Our muscles ache.  We get tired.  It feels like a truck hit us.  A bus ran over us.

I remember going to my doctor a few months ago and complaining that my joints were hurting me — not all of them, but my joints in my fingers and my toes, my ankles and my elbows.  Specifically my fingers though.  At some point her partner had diagnosed me with arthritis and it does run in my family.  She looked surprised and looked through the lab work — she said that the doctor had messed up my lab work, ordered the wrong tests, and diagnosed it off the wrong test.

Now I was confused — why the heck was I hurting so bad!!!  I was going through an awful bout of depression at the time.  She said it might have been the depression, that could definitely cause the pain, but to make sure she would run some labs and get some x-rays.

Off I went for the labs and x-rays.  A few days later – bam! I was fine! Nothing was wrong physically via the tests.

It was the depression.  I was feeling so bad that my body was literally hurting too.  I wasn’t purposefully making myself hurt, but I was feeling so bad emotionally that my body was too.

Depression can come out in so many ways.  Sometimes, people don’t even realize they are depressed immediately.  They know they feel a bit down, but their symptoms mainly appear as the physical aches and pains and fatigue.

At one point, there was even a Cymbalta commercial focused on “Depression Hurts” — a lot of people made fun of it, you can actually find parodies of it on youtube.  But it really isn’t funny… it is real – depression does hurt.  It hurts more than just mentally, it hurts physically too.

Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/16/14

This is my challenge to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my day.  “Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.  I actually almost forgot to do it today until Just Plain Ol’ Vic reminded me by commenting on yesterdays post! –Thanks for the reminder!

Pros –

  • I got a nice sleep thanks to my Ambien.  It was making my nightmares worse, so I quit taking it for a while.  But I wasn’t getting any sleep so I started it again, I’ll definitely take the sleep for now, even with some nightmares.
  • I got a donation to my GoFundMe account to help me pay for my grad school tuition!!! Not a big one, but every little bit counts and I am so grateful for it!
  • Mrs Doubtfire is on TV right now, this very minute as I write this!  It is so funny.  This movie came out when I was about 7 or 8 years old — I always wanted a nanny like him!  I didn’t binge watch and Robin Williams movies this week/end, but this one happened to be playing on the Hallmark Movie Channel, so I thought I would have it on in the background since it is one of my favorites.
  • Figured out an old student loan from undergrad.  Ugh will they ever leave me alone?!?!  At least for a little while longer I suppose.   “Leandro” promised me that it would be taken care of, so I expect not to get another bill from them — again.
  • I took a shower!  This might not seem like an accomplishment, but when I get depressed I can go days without one.  I hadn’t gone days, but I had gone two I think…and it was going to go on.  I stopped it though… I stopped it and jumped in and took one – a nice long hot one.

Cons –

  • I am trying to raise money on GoFundMe, for school but I am not really getting anywhere.  I am a little bit disappointed, but I know everyone is struggling with money.  Still kind of makes me feel bad though.  Keeping a positive attitude that it is all going to work out.
  • My apartment is kind of a mess — well it is always a mess, but I told myself it would get cleaned today and that just didn’t happen.
  • Slept a lot today, just kind of felt like escaping my emotions and didn’t feel like using any of my more active coping skills.
  • I ate too much 😦  Nibbling on food when I was awake — peanuts add up quickly in calories…especially when they are honey roasted peanuts.  I need some cocoa roasted almonds in those 100 calorie packs!

Goal for Tomorrow:

I really hope to be more awake for tomorrow.  I do not want to sleep through the day.  The weather here has been horrible – pouring rain almost all day long, literally, not more than 5-10 minutes of no rain or thunder.  I want to try to get out to a gym and walk or run on a treadmill a bit.  Just to get my anxiety out, get some energy burnt.  I want to perhaps read a bit of some of the text books I have received in regards to my future classes in grad school.  I want to maybe paint a small picture.

Now out of all of that — I just want to do one.  Small steps.  So if I just accomplish one of those, then I will be happy!

 

Not – “Why Did This Happen”, But “What Can I do Now, Where Can I Go From Here?

This blog has been a great release for me.  I have also said I still struggle.  At the moment, that last sentence is something that has been a problem for me.

It is a struggle that I am dealing with in a way I am not very much used to.  In fact, anything that is misspelled or looks weird in this I am sorry.

I have been dealing with trauma therapy.  It has been going well, I have an amazing therapist and am so grateful that I her.  She has stuck by me even when I could be open right away.  It is getting hardest though and I can’t stay present much.  Im awake then Im interacting with someone.  If I sit at home, going off, I dream, I imagine, I cry, its in my face, its happening to me.  Im fighting on the floor.  The thoughts are being yelled in my years

I took ambien cause I just feel myself leaving.  I talked to a friend from  my NAMI group.  I told her that my meds have made me better.  I am not severely depressed like how I was.  I do find joy at times.  I still have this underlying ever day depression though.  I still have this need to die though.  It is this bizarre need, like I have always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be alive.

Is it because of the childhood abuse?  Is it because of my genes?  It is because of both?  Nature, nurture, both?

I am not I will ever know what has cause my brain to hurt the way it hurts or have such hard feelings.

Anyway, I am on ambien and am completely falling asleep.  So as I said there maybe a completely a million mistakes and this may make no sense.  But I felt the need to write this.

Thinking our thoughts is hard.  Ruminating on why things happen can consume our lives.  From here, we really should just be asking, not why? but what now?

Not why did this happen. When did it happen?

But — What can I do now, from  this point forward, what can I do?Where Can I go From Here

Anyway, I am posted this ahead of time, so it should be posted in a few days, but I am totally tired from the medication now… so if it appears as if I should have been awake when it is up and posted, this is why 🙂  Best wishes everyone ! For some reason this was on my mind and I felt like writing it, perhaps I will re-write it or a follow up later though.

Please add your thoughts as well!

Second Opinions – Not Getting it When I Should, Getting it when I Dont Need it

Word Press Post A Day – What are some (or one) of the things about which you usually don’t trust your own judgment, and need someone’s else’s confirmation?

Second opinions and getting someone else’s confirmation.  What would “so and so tell you about that” or “why would you ask me?”  are two common statements and responses I get from people.  I either need a second opinion and didn’t know it, oops — or I want a second opinion and I guess I shouldn’t need it?

I need a second opinion on a lot of things I do, but I don’t generally get it.  Being bipolar – I can be pretty impulsive when I am manic or depressed.  I go on wild spending sprees when manic– which I could definitely have someone around to ask me – “Hey, do you really need that, are you going to have enough money in your bank account if you buy that, in fact how about you just put that down.” When I am depressed, thoughts of suicide swarm my head and for years I would just impulsively do it.  Again, having that second opinion – “Is this really what you want, what are the consequences, what if you fail and have a horrible life of pain because of how you did it, or what if you succeed and everyone around you hurts because of it?”

On the important things, I never get second opinions.  Then there is this whole thing that comes along with my borderline personality – where I can’t really decide on my identity and my social anxiety and PTSD where I always want to make people happy though.  So if someone asks me a question, I am completely indecisive.  Maybe this, maybe that —- I don’t know, what do you want, what do you think?  It’s up to you.  Please give me your opinion!  I don’t want to make the decision!  I don’t think my decision is the right one.

I think talking things through with others is a good idea.  Of course, we should be able to logically think things thought on our own in simple cases, where to eat, what to do for the day etc.  Although I even have trouble with that because of my mental health issues, but it is just something I need to work on.  But when it comes to bigger issues – not even just related to suicide or manic episodes, but anything that we don’t fully comprehend ourselves or think we logically understand but everyone around us tells us otherwise – they tell us we are doing the wrong thing – perhaps we should sit down and think about, focus on it and get that second opinion from someone, perhaps a third and fourth.

And no, just because the majority of people tell you something, it does not mean it is right for you.  For example, if you are fighting cancer and think it is time to stop, you know your body more than anyone else.  But, it also helps to get that second opinion.

I wish I would have reached out and talked to people before going out and doing my crazy impulsive behaviors related to my bipolar and I hope I do reach out the next time it happens.  So far, I have been good about doing that related to any suicidal thoughts.  I hope I can relax on being so indecisive and be more confident in my decisions so I don’t need second opinions on if I picked the right place to eat or go to etc.

 

 

 

When Life Gives You Lemons — No… no I won’t make lemonade

Word Press Post A Day –  When life gives you lemons… make something else. Tell us about a time you used an object or resolved a tricky situation in an unorthodox way.

I am sure that there are many times I have fixed things in an unorthodox way.  I was a very creative kid.  I went to Math, Science, Technology Magnet schools.  We were taught all sorts of critical thinking schools.  In nursing school you are taught critical thinking skills and to think outside of the box to help patients and solve problems.  I have had to come up with ways to fix all sorts of things with unconventional methods.

I hate the term, “When life gives you lemons just make lemonade” though!  No, when life gives you lemons you can’t always  just turn the situation around.  Sometimes life gives you lemons and it just sucks!  You have to just take it, know that it sucks, let yourself feel those emotions that it sucks, and acknowledge that it sucks.  You have a right to feel those thoughts and feelings and emotions.  Why do people always have to tell us to get over it, move on, just fix it?  I know we cannot wallow in it or ruminate on the problem or have pity party – of course not.  But what we feel is what we feel and we have the right to feel those emotions.  There is no reason that when something bad happens in our life that we should not be allowed to express that.  If something bad happens, let me feel like shit.  Stop telling me to just go make lemonade.  I don’t want to make lemonade.  I want to be pissed off for a while.  Once I work through those emotions then perhaps I would have squeezed through enough of those lemons with my anger and frustration that the lemonade will appear and I might have bought some sugar at the store to add to it.

Pushing the bad stuff that happens to me to the back of my mind and never dealing with it, just makes it come back 10x harder later on in life.  It builds up in me and eventually comes out as anger or resentment towards others.  So no, no I am not just going to make lemonade or something else when life gives me lemons.  Not right away anyway.  Perhaps you will get some lemonade over time, a cup at a time over a while.  But you aren’t going to be getting a jar of it all at once and I surely wont be setting up a lemonade stand making any money off of it.

Looking Back at Life (1/22/2011) – Chemical Imbalances

I look back at how bad my depression was over the last few years … in a previous online journal I had a post from January 22, 2011 at 6:28pm that simply stated:

The first two weeks of school have gone pretty good.

I need to die though.

Two sentences.  Nothing else.

My depression was so bad, that even though my first two weeks of college (actually the last semester of my senior year) had been fine, I still felt the need to die.  This was the year that my mental illness became extremely severe.  This entry was posted a week after my first psychiatric hospitalization. Prior to my second hospitalization, which would result in me abruptly dropping out of school (on the semester I should have graduated) and deciding I wanted nothing to do with graduating as I had no reason to believe I would live any longer.  And if I did indeed live, I did not need school.  I wanted no degree from the college I was going to, I hated my college at the time, and I wanted nothing from them at all.  I was much to amazing to have a college degree (woohoo bipolar delusions and suicidal ideations and reckless decisions).  I did go back and get my degree though, although I am not using it at all thanks to my wonderful hospitalizations and instability.

It is amazing how set I was on death though.  I had been depressed so much of my life, but this was the breaking point for me.  How can we see that things are good, but still want death so much?   The chemical imbalances in our brain and how they work are so –weird!

People ask me all the time why I am depressed.  Which I hate by the way.  I don’t know.  Things can be going fine in my life, and I am just depressed.  Which obviously this entry from 3.5 years ago shows — it seemed like things were fine, but I still was determined that I needed to die.  The chemical imbalance in my brain was just completely off!  That is how bipolar works, that is how major depressive disorder works, and schizoaffective, schizophrenia, and a whole host of other mental illnesses.  It isn’t a simple switch that I can turn on and off.

Yes, I can change my thought process, that does help.  But that alone does not fix me.  As I have mentioned before, I need my medication.  I am not someone who can go without my meds – because my diagnosis definitely is based on a huge chemical imbalance.  Working on CBT helps a lot, but only when my medication is also working.  Then I am stable enough to focus on using those technique to change my thought process too.

But — I guess, looking at this post from 2011… I also just think about how much it hurts to feel that way.  To know that you can see your life going ok but to know that you still feel the need to get out of it.  To have this deep desire to just escape.  I haven’t felt that deep desire since January 2013 luckily, my meds have been working well since then, but I still have the thoughts and desires here and there.  Not constantly though.  It was a hard.  It still is hard., but I’m learning to manage and it’s getting easier.

Thank You All For The Support

Thank you so much to everyone for the support and kind comments, likes, and encouragement on all my posts and especially throughout this frustrating time dealing with my anxiety and last psychiatrist appointment.

I still have struggled today and have just spent time kind of lying around – yes I know, not the healthiest thing.  I did go out and just sit outside in the sun, trying to get some good ol’ vitamin D, and listened to music.

One thing that does always help me though is comedy.  I absolutely comedy – I think every time I have been down, I can bring myself out of it with some type of comedy.  It might take a bit of time, but eventually I am laughing so hard and my mind is distracted for a good period of time.  Of course, the hardest part is getting myself to watch some comedy.

Tonight though, there were two shows on TV that involve quite a bit of comedy.  Hollywood Game Night and Last Comic Standing.   Now, I don’t normally follow Hollywood Game Night, I have just watched it here and there, but it is pretty funny.  I have followed Last Comic Standing this season though, for the first time, and it always makes me laugh.

So tonight, I turned on the TV, because I have just kind of been lying on my couch, being a bum, ruminating on my problems, getting no where.  I figured, what the heck, maybe TV will at least get my mind off of it.  Thankfully both of these shows were actually on!!!  Well, Last Comic Standing is actually on right now – so I am alternating between writing this and watching it 🙂  But it has really lifted my mood already.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with my therapist and hopefully that will help as well.  Perhaps we can problem solve some of all of what I am feeling and thinking about everything going on.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone.  It is amazing how much support I have gotten.  Also, comedy is an amazing coping skill to bring you out of a bad mood – you should definitely try it if you haven’t 🙂