Tag Archives: stress

A Light at The End of the Tunnel

Word Press Post A Day – You’ve been given the ability to build a magical tunnel that will quickly and secretly connect your home with the location of your choice — anywhere on Earth. Where’s the other end of your tunnel?

A tunnel? Anywhere on earth my heart desires?

To be honest, I am not sure this tunnel could take me where I want to go.  I could get wherever I want to go on earth on any given day if I really wanted to – by car, plane, boat.  I don’t always have the money — but I could save up for it, borrow it, be a stow-a-way (heck some 60 year old woman has done that 4 times and all she got was a little bit of jail finally, surely I can do that if I wanted!).  Anyway, back to my thoughts — there are a lot of places on earth I want to go to, I love traveling, but I wouldn’t want a tunnel to just take me to them.  That would take away me seeing all the beauty of getting there.

I would want a tunnel for something else.

If I could have a tunnel — I would want that tunnel to take me the I guess you would call it “the light at the end of the tunnel.”  I want to see this place that everyone keeps telling me about.  This place that is supposed to be there despite all my depression, bipolar, PTSD, and borderline personality problems.  Despite all my downs — I am supposed to have this “light at the end of the tunnel.”  Well, if I am finally getting a tunnel — I will definitely let it take me there.  I want to see it.  I want to see this light, I want to see if it really leads me to happiness?  Or contentment? Or as someone told me once – maybe it is just a train coming at me and I should just stop trying to look for that light because it is just as bad as the situation I am in now.  Umm thanks buddy for that encouragement…

There are good days and there are bad days.  There is no quick fix.  Nothing is going to make everything get magically better.  Life may seem miserable every single day.  You never know when you will reach that light at the end of the tunnel though unless you keep living.  It may be today, it may be tomorrow, it may be a year from now, or it may when you are 100 years old.  That tunnel eventually ends though and there is a light.  In fact, it may be broken up and it may stop and start again – there may be hints of light here and there.  It may be discouraging that the light keeps going away.  But it still has to eventually end all together – a tunnel cannot last forever.

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For every minute…

For every minute you are angry,

you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Spike in Crisis Line Phone Calls after Robin Williams Death

Since the death of Robin Williams, there has been a spike in calls to crisis lines around the US and Australia.  I am not sure about other parts of the world, as I simply saw articles pertaining to these two countries, however I am sure they probably went up as well.

Calls, chats, messages, and clicks on their websites to Lifeline in America, Lifeline in Australia, Beyond Blue in Australia,  the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) information line and Facebook page, and local crisis centers all around the US.

Many people were reaching out, seeking help for their depression, suicidal thoughts, and some were simply wondering how people can be depressed – how can someone look happy and yet feel so much pain and kill themselves.  Perhaps with that last question, people will begin to understand depression more and even see or help someone else around them who might present happy but really be very depressed.

While they do not really know how many people were reaching out for help due to their depression and suicidal thoughts prior to Robin Williams death versus those who were affected by his death and began to feel suicidal after in response to his death (example, when you have someone close to you die, you begin to feel like you want to die) — they are glad that more people know about the crisis lines and support systems and are using them.

While I do think Robin Williams death brought a great deal of attention to suicide and mental health, I also think it is going to die down soon as it usually does even though people seem to care very much about it after such a loss.  However, hopefully after all those posts of the suicide hotline numbers – this will not die down and people will remember these resources – and use them – and reach out for help when they need to.

Here are a few articles discussing the increases in spikes in crisis center calls — and there are quite a few more if you search on the internet.

Australian News Article Discussing the increase in spikes in crisis calls

American Aljazeera Article Discussing the increase in spikes in crisis line calls

Houston, TX News Article Discussing local crisis center call increase

Augusta, Maine Article – Discussing local crisis center call increase

Depression Hurts

Depression hurts.  Literally.

Not only does it hurt us emotionally and mentally and where it decides to beat us up in our minds —

—- but physically it takes a toll on us.  Our bodies ache!  Our joints hurt.  Our muscles ache.  We get tired.  It feels like a truck hit us.  A bus ran over us.

I remember going to my doctor a few months ago and complaining that my joints were hurting me — not all of them, but my joints in my fingers and my toes, my ankles and my elbows.  Specifically my fingers though.  At some point her partner had diagnosed me with arthritis and it does run in my family.  She looked surprised and looked through the lab work — she said that the doctor had messed up my lab work, ordered the wrong tests, and diagnosed it off the wrong test.

Now I was confused — why the heck was I hurting so bad!!!  I was going through an awful bout of depression at the time.  She said it might have been the depression, that could definitely cause the pain, but to make sure she would run some labs and get some x-rays.

Off I went for the labs and x-rays.  A few days later – bam! I was fine! Nothing was wrong physically via the tests.

It was the depression.  I was feeling so bad that my body was literally hurting too.  I wasn’t purposefully making myself hurt, but I was feeling so bad emotionally that my body was too.

Depression can come out in so many ways.  Sometimes, people don’t even realize they are depressed immediately.  They know they feel a bit down, but their symptoms mainly appear as the physical aches and pains and fatigue.

At one point, there was even a Cymbalta commercial focused on “Depression Hurts” — a lot of people made fun of it, you can actually find parodies of it on youtube.  But it really isn’t funny… it is real – depression does hurt.  It hurts more than just mentally, it hurts physically too.

Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/16/14

This is my challenge to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my day.  “Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.  I actually almost forgot to do it today until Just Plain Ol’ Vic reminded me by commenting on yesterdays post! –Thanks for the reminder!

Pros –

  • I got a nice sleep thanks to my Ambien.  It was making my nightmares worse, so I quit taking it for a while.  But I wasn’t getting any sleep so I started it again, I’ll definitely take the sleep for now, even with some nightmares.
  • I got a donation to my GoFundMe account to help me pay for my grad school tuition!!! Not a big one, but every little bit counts and I am so grateful for it!
  • Mrs Doubtfire is on TV right now, this very minute as I write this!  It is so funny.  This movie came out when I was about 7 or 8 years old — I always wanted a nanny like him!  I didn’t binge watch and Robin Williams movies this week/end, but this one happened to be playing on the Hallmark Movie Channel, so I thought I would have it on in the background since it is one of my favorites.
  • Figured out an old student loan from undergrad.  Ugh will they ever leave me alone?!?!  At least for a little while longer I suppose.   “Leandro” promised me that it would be taken care of, so I expect not to get another bill from them — again.
  • I took a shower!  This might not seem like an accomplishment, but when I get depressed I can go days without one.  I hadn’t gone days, but I had gone two I think…and it was going to go on.  I stopped it though… I stopped it and jumped in and took one – a nice long hot one.

Cons –

  • I am trying to raise money on GoFundMe, for school but I am not really getting anywhere.  I am a little bit disappointed, but I know everyone is struggling with money.  Still kind of makes me feel bad though.  Keeping a positive attitude that it is all going to work out.
  • My apartment is kind of a mess — well it is always a mess, but I told myself it would get cleaned today and that just didn’t happen.
  • Slept a lot today, just kind of felt like escaping my emotions and didn’t feel like using any of my more active coping skills.
  • I ate too much 😦  Nibbling on food when I was awake — peanuts add up quickly in calories…especially when they are honey roasted peanuts.  I need some cocoa roasted almonds in those 100 calorie packs!

Goal for Tomorrow:

I really hope to be more awake for tomorrow.  I do not want to sleep through the day.  The weather here has been horrible – pouring rain almost all day long, literally, not more than 5-10 minutes of no rain or thunder.  I want to try to get out to a gym and walk or run on a treadmill a bit.  Just to get my anxiety out, get some energy burnt.  I want to perhaps read a bit of some of the text books I have received in regards to my future classes in grad school.  I want to maybe paint a small picture.

Now out of all of that — I just want to do one.  Small steps.  So if I just accomplish one of those, then I will be happy!

 

Not – “Why Did This Happen”, But “What Can I do Now, Where Can I Go From Here?

This blog has been a great release for me.  I have also said I still struggle.  At the moment, that last sentence is something that has been a problem for me.

It is a struggle that I am dealing with in a way I am not very much used to.  In fact, anything that is misspelled or looks weird in this I am sorry.

I have been dealing with trauma therapy.  It has been going well, I have an amazing therapist and am so grateful that I her.  She has stuck by me even when I could be open right away.  It is getting hardest though and I can’t stay present much.  Im awake then Im interacting with someone.  If I sit at home, going off, I dream, I imagine, I cry, its in my face, its happening to me.  Im fighting on the floor.  The thoughts are being yelled in my years

I took ambien cause I just feel myself leaving.  I talked to a friend from  my NAMI group.  I told her that my meds have made me better.  I am not severely depressed like how I was.  I do find joy at times.  I still have this underlying ever day depression though.  I still have this need to die though.  It is this bizarre need, like I have always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be alive.

Is it because of the childhood abuse?  Is it because of my genes?  It is because of both?  Nature, nurture, both?

I am not I will ever know what has cause my brain to hurt the way it hurts or have such hard feelings.

Anyway, I am on ambien and am completely falling asleep.  So as I said there maybe a completely a million mistakes and this may make no sense.  But I felt the need to write this.

Thinking our thoughts is hard.  Ruminating on why things happen can consume our lives.  From here, we really should just be asking, not why? but what now?

Not why did this happen. When did it happen?

But — What can I do now, from  this point forward, what can I do?Where Can I go From Here

Anyway, I am posted this ahead of time, so it should be posted in a few days, but I am totally tired from the medication now… so if it appears as if I should have been awake when it is up and posted, this is why 🙂  Best wishes everyone ! For some reason this was on my mind and I felt like writing it, perhaps I will re-write it or a follow up later though.

Please add your thoughts as well!

Second Opinions – Not Getting it When I Should, Getting it when I Dont Need it

Word Press Post A Day – What are some (or one) of the things about which you usually don’t trust your own judgment, and need someone’s else’s confirmation?

Second opinions and getting someone else’s confirmation.  What would “so and so tell you about that” or “why would you ask me?”  are two common statements and responses I get from people.  I either need a second opinion and didn’t know it, oops — or I want a second opinion and I guess I shouldn’t need it?

I need a second opinion on a lot of things I do, but I don’t generally get it.  Being bipolar – I can be pretty impulsive when I am manic or depressed.  I go on wild spending sprees when manic– which I could definitely have someone around to ask me – “Hey, do you really need that, are you going to have enough money in your bank account if you buy that, in fact how about you just put that down.” When I am depressed, thoughts of suicide swarm my head and for years I would just impulsively do it.  Again, having that second opinion – “Is this really what you want, what are the consequences, what if you fail and have a horrible life of pain because of how you did it, or what if you succeed and everyone around you hurts because of it?”

On the important things, I never get second opinions.  Then there is this whole thing that comes along with my borderline personality – where I can’t really decide on my identity and my social anxiety and PTSD where I always want to make people happy though.  So if someone asks me a question, I am completely indecisive.  Maybe this, maybe that —- I don’t know, what do you want, what do you think?  It’s up to you.  Please give me your opinion!  I don’t want to make the decision!  I don’t think my decision is the right one.

I think talking things through with others is a good idea.  Of course, we should be able to logically think things thought on our own in simple cases, where to eat, what to do for the day etc.  Although I even have trouble with that because of my mental health issues, but it is just something I need to work on.  But when it comes to bigger issues – not even just related to suicide or manic episodes, but anything that we don’t fully comprehend ourselves or think we logically understand but everyone around us tells us otherwise – they tell us we are doing the wrong thing – perhaps we should sit down and think about, focus on it and get that second opinion from someone, perhaps a third and fourth.

And no, just because the majority of people tell you something, it does not mean it is right for you.  For example, if you are fighting cancer and think it is time to stop, you know your body more than anyone else.  But, it also helps to get that second opinion.

I wish I would have reached out and talked to people before going out and doing my crazy impulsive behaviors related to my bipolar and I hope I do reach out the next time it happens.  So far, I have been good about doing that related to any suicidal thoughts.  I hope I can relax on being so indecisive and be more confident in my decisions so I don’t need second opinions on if I picked the right place to eat or go to etc.