Tag Archives: thankful

Good Days and Bad Days, This Blog Has Helped and Will Help Me

I used to write all the time.  I had a journal on blogger and I wrote and wrote and wrote.  I wrote about my depression, my frustrations, how much I hated life.  I would write suicide notes and good bye letters.  I wrote about how I thought suicide was ok and how those who loved me should be happy I was gone because I wasn’t in pain anymore.  I had a physical, tangible journal too that my therapist gave me, and I wrote in that periodically as well – I would scribble down any thought that came to my head, over and over again, rambling on about everything – but it was always the bad stuff.  I never counteracted any of the negative thoughts with good things.  I never put any positive self talk in there or reminded myself about what was going on that was good.

I couldn’t see anything good around me – at all.  There was good stuff though.  My siblings cared a lot about me.  I live no where near them, we are all in different states.  We don’t even talk very much, but when we do, I can cry and let all my emotions out and they listen and understand.  Each day, I have food and an apartment to stay in.  Sure, I struggle to pay the bills and have food to eat — but I have it.  There was a time in my life, that I basically was kicked out of my apartment and had to move back home or be homeless, and I attempted suicide because of it.  I did not want to live with my mom.  Now, I have those things.  I have to think about that.  I have a mental health team, I am able to have my medicine.  I hate taking medicine, but it makes me stable.  There were times I couldn’t pay for my medicine – now I can and it is works fairly well.  I have struggled incredibly hard to find a good therapist and psychiatrist, but I have those now.  I have a team that wants me to get better.  There are good things in my life.  I may think that life is horrible and miserable, but not everything is working against me like it may seem.

I started this blog because I was so focused on the negatives in my other blog.  WordPress is a really active community and I wanted to be able to be involved with interacting with others.  I wanted to discuss mental health issues.  I wanted to be involved with reading about other interests of mine.  I wanted to focus on positives.

I still have horrible days.  Just two weeks ago (or something like that), I broke down.  I called the crisis line and then a day later called my dad and about went to the psych hospital.  I thought I was going to kill myself.  Life isn’t perfect for me.  My days can still get really shitty.  I still get super depressed.  But, I want to help people.  And writing on here has helped me feel better.  And talking with others on here has helped me feel better.  Connecting with others that are going through the same thing, knowing I am not alone.

I’m going to eventually have the posts where I am hating life again, but I am hoping that those are few and far between.  I’m sure starting grad school is going to make them happen a lot more frequently – bringing back memories related to my sexual abuse and rape.  My PTSD is going to be stirred up even more than it has been lately with therapy.   I hope to use this as a way to vent still, and get my frustration out, but in a more positive way than I was on my other online blog – which was quite negative as I was simply writing out my plans for death.  Here I can just write out my thoughts and even ask for advice.

I really think that writing on here and connecting with others on here and seeing this as a support has really helped though.  I hope that it continues to do that.

T.G.I.F. – What I am Thankful For

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Thank Goodness It’s Friday!  As a kid, I LOVED Fridays.  Not only did it mean no school for two days, but there were awesome TV shows every Friday night on the ABC network.  Year to year they changed a bit as some were cancelled and new ones were brought in, but for the most part, as a kid, you enjoyed them all.

Today, I think about the things I am thankful for in general.  I am no longer a kid.  I no longer long to watch TV on Friday nights. 

1) I am thankful that I have wonderful siblings.  My sister and older brothers have been the most caring and loving siblings I could ever have asked for.  We didn’t get along growing up, but they have been there for me through everything as we got older.

2) I am thankful for art.  I am not great at it, but it has given me an outlet to express myself. 

3) I am thankful for nature.  Seeing the life around me allows me to feel alive.  The trees and grass that are green and vibrant let me know that my life is growing just as theirs is even if I feel dead inside.  When it is storming everyday (as it has been here in Tampa), the sun will peak out a bit, maybe just for 30 minutes, or for one day in between, but it shows me that there is hope during my bad times.

4) I am thankful for NAMI as it has given me connections with other people that struggle with similar things as me.  It has given me a social outlet when I all too often isolate myself because of my depression and social anxiety.

5) I am thankful for my dog, who comforted me so much during my severe depression of two years and kept me alive many times because I didn’t want to leave her alone.  She cuddled with me and licked my tears when I cried. 

 

At the end of the week, it is good to look back on what I am thankful for.  I should be doing it everyday to remind myself, but since I know I don’t do it everyday, writing it down once a week is a good start.  What are you thankful for?

Little Things the Make Life Worth Living

So often we look at the things that make us not want to live.  We don’t look at the little things in life that are so simple and yet make us smile.  Here is a list of 25 little things, that for me, make life worth living –

   (oh, and I really had to think about this, it was no easy task.  Although the more I did it, I kept thinking of sillier and sillier things that did make me happy. Thinking of positives is so much harder than picking out the negatives!)

         

1. The smell of a wood burning fireplace on a cold winter day

2. A hot shower when you are freezing cold from the bitter wind blowing in your face

3. Customer Service making everything better without an argument!

4. Being able to sleep in, and actually sleeping in – no kids to wake you up, no sun in your eyes, no alarm going off, and no surprises.

5. Dogs (or any animal) that comes to cuddle with you when you are sad

6. The beautiful color of the tree leaves when fall comes and all you see are red, orange, and yellow

7. Digital photos – you can see if the picture is good and you can delete it and make sure no one sees it if it isn’t!  

8. Indoor swimming pools

9. Kindle (or Nook) – I have all my books in one place! No more having to lug them around. 

10. Of course, I still love the smell of a good old fashioned paper book!

11. The sunset, knowing that tomorrow starts a new day

12. Being in crowded store and a cashier secretly telling you that they are opening their register! Score!!

13.  Clean public restrooms

14.  A stranger’s smile 🙂

15.  Finding money in a pocket of a jacket I hadn’t worn since last winter $

16.  Making a to-do list of things I have already done, and checking it all off.  Accomplished!

17. Walking barefoot in the grass

18.  Popping bubble wrap

19. Breakfast for dinner.

20.  Getting mail, like a letter, not an email.

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21. Talking into a fan and making a robot voice (its fun even when you are an adult)

22. Eating peanut butter with a spoon

23. Free shipping

24. Memories that can make you laugh years later

25. Enjoying something so much you lose track of time.