Be proud of who you are and everything you have overcome.
What is a mistake I will never make again?
I won’t ever not ask for help again. I went for years not asking for help. Hiding my depression, hiding my pain. I didn’t want people to think I was weak. I didn’t want people to not love me or care about me. I wanted to be strong and competitive in this world. I wanted to prove I could be somebody.
Depression, Bipolar, BPD, PTSD, Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective, OCD, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Trauma, Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Rape – whatever the mental illness or Trauma/Past is though – it doesn’t mean you are weak. It took me far to long to figure that out.
All I knew was that this world was about getting ahead. That is all that was preached to me in school – you have to do this, you have to do that. Learn this, learn that. Get into the best school, earn the highest grades. Take the ACT, the SAT. Apply, apply, apply. I was miserable, but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.
On top of that, I really didn’t believe I was going to be alive. I really thought I was going to be dead, either by a natural death or by suicide. I didn’t think I was actually going to have to live up to those expectations anyway. So I never asked for help.
Then there was also the little fact that it was brought to people attention that I needed help, and no one seemed to care – so why would I ask for help when no one wanted to help me in the first place when others told them I needed it?
After being miserable for years though, and then seeing what my life has been like with the right medications and proper therapy — I would give so much to go back and get these things earlier in my life. What a difference I think it would have made, how much easier my life would have been.
Even though people don’t always listen when we ask for help. I still will always ask for it. I still will always plead for it. I won’t give up. I will keep asking, I will keep begging, I will keep pleading for the help. If I need help – I will get it – no matter what. Because not asking for help, will just lead to my destruction. I know that now.
I used to write all the time. I had a journal on blogger and I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote about my depression, my frustrations, how much I hated life. I would write suicide notes and good bye letters. I wrote about how I thought suicide was ok and how those who loved me should be happy I was gone because I wasn’t in pain anymore. I had a physical, tangible journal too that my therapist gave me, and I wrote in that periodically as well – I would scribble down any thought that came to my head, over and over again, rambling on about everything – but it was always the bad stuff. I never counteracted any of the negative thoughts with good things. I never put any positive self talk in there or reminded myself about what was going on that was good.
I couldn’t see anything good around me – at all. There was good stuff though. My siblings cared a lot about me. I live no where near them, we are all in different states. We don’t even talk very much, but when we do, I can cry and let all my emotions out and they listen and understand. Each day, I have food and an apartment to stay in. Sure, I struggle to pay the bills and have food to eat — but I have it. There was a time in my life, that I basically was kicked out of my apartment and had to move back home or be homeless, and I attempted suicide because of it. I did not want to live with my mom. Now, I have those things. I have to think about that. I have a mental health team, I am able to have my medicine. I hate taking medicine, but it makes me stable. There were times I couldn’t pay for my medicine – now I can and it is works fairly well. I have struggled incredibly hard to find a good therapist and psychiatrist, but I have those now. I have a team that wants me to get better. There are good things in my life. I may think that life is horrible and miserable, but not everything is working against me like it may seem.
I started this blog because I was so focused on the negatives in my other blog. WordPress is a really active community and I wanted to be able to be involved with interacting with others. I wanted to discuss mental health issues. I wanted to be involved with reading about other interests of mine. I wanted to focus on positives.
I still have horrible days. Just two weeks ago (or something like that), I broke down. I called the crisis line and then a day later called my dad and about went to the psych hospital. I thought I was going to kill myself. Life isn’t perfect for me. My days can still get really shitty. I still get super depressed. But, I want to help people. And writing on here has helped me feel better. And talking with others on here has helped me feel better. Connecting with others that are going through the same thing, knowing I am not alone.
I’m going to eventually have the posts where I am hating life again, but I am hoping that those are few and far between. I’m sure starting grad school is going to make them happen a lot more frequently – bringing back memories related to my sexual abuse and rape. My PTSD is going to be stirred up even more than it has been lately with therapy. I hope to use this as a way to vent still, and get my frustration out, but in a more positive way than I was on my other online blog – which was quite negative as I was simply writing out my plans for death. Here I can just write out my thoughts and even ask for advice.
I really think that writing on here and connecting with others on here and seeing this as a support has really helped though. I hope that it continues to do that.
Word Press Post A Day – When was the last time you experienced writer’s block? What do you think brought it about — and how did you dig your way out of it?
I just started doing these Post A Day things from Word Press – I thought it might help me expand on my topics – bring in new ideas to relate to mental health…which is what my blog is about. For the most part, I think it has helped a bit. I think most of them I have been able to relate to mental health/illness in some way, even if it has been a bit of a stretch at times. Except Unlikely Pairing – that one, nope, I just couldn’t tie in. I wrote about it anyway, just to write.
I am passionate about mental health though. I have been affected with mental illness my whole life. There is so much stigma associated with mental illness though. You rarely hear about the great people that have mental illness, just the horrible stories related to it. Everyone just gets a bad picture.
I created this blog to show my struggles, but also my triumphs over my disorders – my bipolar, my borderline personality disorder, and my PTSD. All of which I struggle with daily. I also overcome it everyday though.
Each day I get up, I write on here. I write about what mental illness is, or how to cope with it, quotes related to it, how it has affected me, how it might be affecting me that day, what I am going to do in the future to overcome a challenge that I faced because of it, suicide, sexual abuse, past traumas, therapy, etc.
I’m sure I had writers block in high school related to some silly essay my AP English teacher wanted me to write. When it comes down to something that I am interested in though, something I am passionate about – no, I haven’t had it. I am sure it might come eventually, but so far, it hasn’t hit me. I hope it doesn’t because this is a topic that needs to be spoken up for and needs to be heard.
This is my coping skill. It’s keeping me mentally healthy right now. Or as much as it can anyway.