BPD and Identity Issues

After my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) I struggled to accept it.  I battled in my mind over if I really had it or not.  Quite honestly, I had some therapists that kind of disagreed about it too, which made me wonder even more.

When I really look at the traits though, I am pretty sure I do have enough of them to meet the criteria.  I waiver back and forth on if I do meet it or not, but I think that is because I want to convince myself I don’t have it.

There is one criteria that I know I completely meet though:

—- identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

 

Throughout my entire life I have never known who I really was.  I went to quite a few different schools.  Two elementary schools, Three Middle Schools, and Two High Schools.  I hung out with different types of people at all of them.  I conformed to whatever behavior and pattern I needed to.  I didn’t really have my own identity.  If I would have been put in a room with all of them together, I wouldn’t have known how to act.  Who would I have conformed to?  Which group would I have identified with?  Would I have identified with any of them?

To this day, I don’t know who I am.  I don’t dye my hair or cut it often.  I don’t change my clothing style all the time.  No one would think or feel that I cannot really figure out who I am.

I am on disability, and quite honestly, am not exactly stable enough to hold a job at this point.  I am working at my own pace to get a degree though, which I am hoping will lead me to a job and stability since I am going to have more structure in my life.

Even with this though, is it what I really want?  I went to college and got 2 Bachelors degrees.  My mental illness definitely stopped me from being able to use them, but I questioned my main one (nursing) during those last two years when my mental illness was getting bad.  I couldn’t figure out who I was or what I wanted.

Now, am I doing the right thing?  Will I be able to follow through with this?  Will I like it and keep it and enjoy it?  Is it me?

I think it is.  I am going to stay positive about it of course.

I just know that I have struggled with finding myself.  Who I am.  Who I want to be and who I can identify with and trust.  I feel like I don’t know how to act or socialize.  I feel somewhat disconnected from everyone and I don’t know how to connect unless I follow them.  If that makes sense?

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, or if anyone else feels this way at all.  But that has been my experience with the identity issue that goes along with BPD.

 

Does anyone else experience this trait of BPD?  What are your symptoms like with it?

Post A Day – She Saved My Life, Stopped Me From Ending It All

Word Press  Post A Day:  Do you — or did you ever — have a Best Friend? Do you believe in the idea of one person whose friendship matters the most? Tell us a story about your BFF (or lack thereof).

 

Growing up, I was quite social.  I can’t say I had one BFF.  I had lots of friends, and some I hung out with quite more frequently though.  Leah and Alex come to mind during my 4th and 5th grade years.  I had started a new school and immediately found them to be great friends.

As I went onto 8th grade, I can honestly say that I did grow to have a best friend.  Although I am not sure best friend is the right word…I think true friend is more accurate.  She listened to me, cared about how I felt, and we did things together.  Vicki was there for me when no one else was.  Throughout my severe depression, she showed me that I wasn’t alone.  I was extremely suicidal and I know she did not know how badly I felt this way, but her actions kept me from ever actually carrying out my plans.  She literally saved my life in high school.  I wasn’t social in high school, in fact I was pretty withdrawn because of my depression and past history of sexual abuse, I didn’t trust people. With Vicki though, I could be open and honest.  She kept me strong and I got through high school and graduated.  She was my best friend, but she was more than that – she was a true friend, and honest friend, a real friend. 

I personally enjoy being a lone a lot of the time.  I do however think that having someone to confide in it important.  Isolation can lead to bad things.  It can lead to depression.  Loneliness is horrible.  Many people might say they don’t need other people, they don’t need friends.  I said that for a long time too, and still say that sometimes, but I am really just hiding the fact that I am scared to let people in. In fact, I wrote about this just the other day, how I longed for friendship, but didn’t know how to let anyone in.  I am not sure it matters that you have one person as a friend who matters the most, and I don’t think that you should have a ton of friends, but I think if you at least have someone or a few people that you do trust and can go to and confide in or hang out with and have fun, that is what is important.

 

Longing for a Friend, but Not Wanting Anyone Near Me

I am so scared to meet people and get close to people, and yet I long to have friends to trust and be able to go to and spend time with.  My mind can’t decide which is more important – protecting myself from possibly being hurt, or taking the chance of actually having someone to help me when I am feeling hurt.  I know this occurs partially because of my BPD – pulling people in and pushing people away.  But I think it really occurs with all mental illness in some aspect, and I think mine occurs more because of my social anxiety than anything.

Since the abuse from when I was younger, the molestation by my teacher in 7th grade, I have had a hard time trusting anyone.  I began to isolate from any friendships that I did have.  We moved the year after the sexual abuse happened and I didn’t want to make new friends or have to trust anyone.  Despite that, I really wanted to – I wanted to be able to confide in someone, to have them tell me everything would be ok. 

Now, 13 years later, my mind still works that later.  Constantly arguing with itself – should I socialize or isolate?  I am terrified to go out and meet people.  Will they judge me?  Will they see through me, will they see that I was abused? Will they blame me for it?  What if they find out I am on disability, what will they think of me then? 

What if they actually like me though, and then they want to hang out with me? See, I have been able to meet people sometimes.  I have made some friends.  But I am not someone who can constantly be around people non-stop.  I still need my space or I get overwhelmed.  I feel trapped, just like when I was being abused.  So keeping the friendship is hard for me because I begin to pull away and isolate.  Turning down offers to hang out, quit answering phone calls, and slowly letting the relationship dissolve until they no longer call me.

Isolating is so bad for our mental health though.  It keeps us in a negative state of mind.  Sure, it is good for us to have time for ourselves.  It is actually healthy for us to take time out for ourselves and spend time alone — sometimes!  Key word, sometimes.  But when we let our depression or anxiety take over and keep us from getting out to do things or spend time with others, we are preventing ourselves from actually enjoying life and living.  It is something I really need to work on.  I have definitely not won this battle yet.  I struggle with the social anxiety.  And when I get depressed it compounds my isolation even more. 

It’s funny how we can long so much for company and yet not want anyone near us at the same time.  Our minds work in funny ways.