Your story isn’t over yet.
Word Press Post A Day – If money were out of the equation, would you still work? If yes, why, and how much? If not, what would you do with your free time?
If money was out of the question, I think I would work. Maybe not a lot, but I would work.
I’m on disability right now. In fact I haven’t worked since 2012. Right now, I don’t even think I could work yet.
I wish I could work though. I wish I was able to be out there, be around people, do something with my day, be productive, feel like I was contributing to society, making a difference.
At this point, even getting out to volunteer hasn’t been possible. So I can’t feel any of those things.
My bipolar has finally stabilized quite a bit thanks to my medication, so the highs and lows are not as bad. My borderline personality is getting better. My PTSD and social anxiety is out of control though at this point. Most people would brush this off as no big deal. Surely you can still work! Those that have been there understand though, or I hope they understand.
Even if money wasn’t an issue – I got no money, not a lot of money, or a ton of money — I would love to work. I don’t think I would work a lot. I would work enough though. Enough to give me a routine. A routine if what I need. A routine is important to my life. It grounds me. It actually helps me, but until I can keep commitments and not get overwhelmed and handle social situations and relationships with others and not be so depressed that I miss a ton of work or attempt suicide and end up in the hospital from the overwhelming situations or depression — until then, even if a routine from work would help me — it just wouldn’t be possible.
I am signed up with my states vocational rehab. They would be able to work with me, set me up with a job coach and put me in a program to work with me . They are so backed up with other people though that I am on a wait list. They are only now getting people off the list from a year ago…..
Why I Choose to Live –
During one of my hospitalizations, we had to create a safety place. We were given a bunch of note cards and asked to put lots of different things on them….
- Warning signs that we were getting depressed
- Triggers for our depression
- Coping skills
- Things that made us happy
- and of course – who we could call when we felt suicidal
One of those cards though also was for, why we chose to live. Why did we want to live. What were our reasons for living.
I found that safety place the other day and looked through it. Most of it is completely irrelevant at this point. None of those people are in my life anymore. The triggers and warning signs I suppose are still there. Coping skills have changed. Things that make me happy are not the same. And, the reasons why I choose to live — well I am pretty sure I completely made up every single one of those just so I could tell myself there was something to live for — or the hospital made me write something.
Like, I wrote I wanted to have kids — yeah I have never wanted kids. Or I never wanted a baby of my own, to come out of me (sorry if that was graphic). But since being molested and raped, I just don’t deal with things “down there” very well. Adoption of an older kid, maybe. I wanted to live for God — yeah I believe in God, but I also don’t think God will send me to hell for suicide (don’t really want to debate this on here, so please don’t). Anyway, there was a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t understand why I wrote it.
So I figured I would make a new list — perhaps one I really thought about. So here goes – Reasons why I choose to live:
- I want to be able to use my past to help others. I am currently going to grad school to gain a degree in which I will be able to work with those that have been victims of trauma and mental health issues. I have experienced both of these things and I never thought I would be able to actually to turn my experiences into something positive. I hope that I can help others, by knowing where they are coming from, and relating to them, to help them overcome their traumas. I want to live so I can achieve this goal – getting my degree and helping others.
- I want to live to see if I will ever be happy, like really happy. I don’t know how to explain this, but I guess I want to see if there really is that light at the end of the tunnel. If I give up today, and then tomorrow would have been the day that would have magically been better – that would really suck. So I guess I should just keep living to find out! I am going to live to find out if that day ever comes. If it never comes, I will be pretty upset, but it won’t really matter if I am upset when I am dead will it?
- I want to live to see how much the world changes! Seriously, I can’t believe how much has changed in the 26 years I have been alive already. Just hearing how much it has changed for those that are older than me too. I can’t even imagine staying alive to watch it advance even more. What if they make awesome cool technology things – well of course they are going to do that! What if they find a cure for the different types of mental illnesses? I’m sure they are going to find better treatments for them at the very least.
- I want to see what the next big movie is. I really enjoy movies and while a lot of them suck – there are also a lot of good ones out there. Did anyone see Boyhood? It is filmed over 12 years with the same actors, great movie! Had a bit of triggers in there for me as there is some abuse in it, but it was sooo good! That was the last movie I saw last week. Now, just to keep living to see the next great movie!
- Travel! I really want to travel all over! I choose to live because I have not been everywhere yet. I will not die til I have been everywhere. Even after I have been everywhere, I still have all these other reasons to live – but this is one of them! I want to go to so many different countries!
- Most importantly — I choose to live for me. I have always done everything for everyone else. I have gone to school for other people, well yes I know school is required as a child, but I picked my high school electives based on what I thought people wanted. I picked my college major based on what I thought people would want. I did enjoy is all, yes, but it was still all for everyone else. I have always felt the need to please every (which goes back to my history of abuse). I have never felt like I can do something just for me. So, I choose to live for me. Not for anyone else, but for me.
Why do you choose to live???
This is a project by Dese’Rae L. Stage – about suicide awareness. She interviews those who have attempted suicide and survived. She talks to them, gets their stories, and photographs them. She also has Bipolar 2 and is a survivor of suicide and self injury as well.
Per her website, her project is about:
The intention of Live Through This is to show that everyone is susceptible to depression and suicidal thoughts by sharing portraits and stories of real attempt survivors—people who look just like you. These feelings could affect your mom, your partner, or your brother, and the fear of talking about it can be a killer.
You can find her website at: Live Through This
Word Press Post A Day – You’ve been given the ability to build a magical tunnel that will quickly and secretly connect your home with the location of your choice — anywhere on Earth. Where’s the other end of your tunnel?
A tunnel? Anywhere on earth my heart desires?
To be honest, I am not sure this tunnel could take me where I want to go. I could get wherever I want to go on earth on any given day if I really wanted to – by car, plane, boat. I don’t always have the money — but I could save up for it, borrow it, be a stow-a-way (heck some 60 year old woman has done that 4 times and all she got was a little bit of jail finally, surely I can do that if I wanted!). Anyway, back to my thoughts — there are a lot of places on earth I want to go to, I love traveling, but I wouldn’t want a tunnel to just take me to them. That would take away me seeing all the beauty of getting there.
I would want a tunnel for something else.
If I could have a tunnel — I would want that tunnel to take me the I guess you would call it “the light at the end of the tunnel.” I want to see this place that everyone keeps telling me about. This place that is supposed to be there despite all my depression, bipolar, PTSD, and borderline personality problems. Despite all my downs — I am supposed to have this “light at the end of the tunnel.” Well, if I am finally getting a tunnel — I will definitely let it take me there. I want to see it. I want to see this light, I want to see if it really leads me to happiness? Or contentment? Or as someone told me once – maybe it is just a train coming at me and I should just stop trying to look for that light because it is just as bad as the situation I am in now. Umm thanks buddy for that encouragement…
There are good days and there are bad days. There is no quick fix. Nothing is going to make everything get magically better. Life may seem miserable every single day. You never know when you will reach that light at the end of the tunnel though unless you keep living. It may be today, it may be tomorrow, it may be a year from now, or it may when you are 100 years old. That tunnel eventually ends though and there is a light. In fact, it may be broken up and it may stop and start again – there may be hints of light here and there. It may be discouraging that the light keeps going away. But it still has to eventually end all together – a tunnel cannot last forever.