30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day 3

Day 3: What treatment or coping skills are most effective for you?

 

I participated in 6 months of inpatient schema therapy which was really great for me.  This helped me with my BPD.  Perhaps having to sit down for 6 months and break it all down into my mind is what this really worked for me.  It was all broken down into every group I went to, plus we had one group where the therapist added in a bit of DBT, but not much.  Schema therapy really was great though.

I also did quite a bit of CBT here and there.  It helped me when I really thought about it, but I never would actually practice it outside of a hospital setting.  When I was inpatient, and had the sheets in front of me, had to do the assignments, it all made sense.  Outside of the hospital — I just could never make myself think of it.

Outside of therapy programs though, using my coping skills is really the best thing for me.  When I am able to bring myself out of my “funk” enough to actually do something ….

1. painting
2. zentangles
3. juggling
4. reading
5. writing
6. writing on here has been amazing!
7. walking or running
8. support groups (NAMI)
9. grounding techniques

those are the ones I try to use most frequently as they seem to be the ones that work right now….they change quite frequently… like a few months ago, I was obsessed with knitting — nonstop!

 

 

FUNNY FRIDAYS

 

Our greatest weakness

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.

The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

-Thomas A. Edison

Why I Choose to Live

Why I Choose to Live –

During one of my hospitalizations, we had to create a safety place.  We were given a bunch of note cards and asked to put lots of different things on them….

• Warning signs that we were getting depressed
• Triggers for our depression
• Coping skills
• Things that made us happy
• and of course – who we could call when we felt suicidal

One of those cards though also was for, why we chose to live.  Why did we want to live.  What were our reasons for living.

I found that safety place the other day and looked through it.  Most of it is completely irrelevant at this point.  None of those people are in my life anymore.  The triggers and warning signs I suppose are still there.  Coping skills have changed.  Things that make me happy are not the same.  And, the reasons why I choose to live — well I am pretty sure I completely made up every single one of those just so I could tell myself there was something to live for — or the hospital made me write something.

Like, I wrote I wanted to have kids — yeah I have never wanted kids.  Or I never wanted a baby of my own, to come out of me (sorry if that was graphic).  But since being molested and raped, I just don’t deal with things “down there” very well.  Adoption of an older kid, maybe.  I wanted to live for God — yeah I believe in God, but I also don’t think God will send me to hell for suicide (don’t really want to debate this on here, so please don’t).  Anyway, there was a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t understand why I wrote it.

So I figured I would make a new list — perhaps one I really thought about.  So here goes – Reasons why I choose to live:

1. I want to be able to use my past to help others.  I am currently going to grad school to gain a degree in which I will be able to work with those that have been victims of trauma and mental health issues.  I have experienced both of these things and I never thought I would be able to actually to turn my experiences into something positive.  I hope that I can help others, by knowing where they are coming from, and relating to them, to help them overcome their traumas.  I want to live so I can achieve this goal – getting my degree and helping others.
2. I want to live to see if I will ever be happy, like really happy.  I don’t know how to explain this, but I guess I want to see if there really is that light at the end of the tunnel.  If I give up today, and then tomorrow would have been the day that would have magically been better – that would really suck.  So I guess I should just keep living to find out!  I am going to live to find out if that day ever comes.  If it never comes, I will be pretty upset, but it won’t really matter if I am upset when I am dead will it?
3. I want to live to see how much the world changes!  Seriously, I can’t believe how much has changed in the 26 years I have been alive already.  Just hearing how much it has changed for those that are older than me too.  I can’t even imagine staying alive to watch it advance even more.  What if they make awesome cool technology things – well of course they are going to do that!  What if they find a cure for the different types of mental illnesses?  I’m sure they are going to find better treatments for them at the very least.
4. I want to see what the next big movie is.  I really enjoy movies and while a lot of them suck – there are also a lot of good ones out there.  Did anyone see Boyhood?  It is filmed over 12 years with the same actors, great movie!  Had a bit of triggers in there for me as there is some abuse in it, but it was sooo good!  That was the last movie I saw last week.  Now, just to keep living to see the next great movie!
5.  Travel!  I really want to travel all over!  I choose to live because I have not been everywhere yet.  I will not die til I have been everywhere.  Even after I have been everywhere, I still have all these other reasons to live – but this is one of them! I want to go to so many different countries!
6. Most importantly — I choose to live for me.  I have always done everything for everyone else.  I have gone to school for other people, well yes I know school is required as a child, but I picked my high school electives based on what I thought people wanted.  I picked my college major based on what I thought people would want.  I did enjoy is all, yes, but it was still all for everyone else.  I have always felt the need to please every (which goes back to my history of abuse).  I have never felt like I can do something just for me.  So, I choose to live for me.  Not for anyone else, but for me.

 

Why do you choose to live???

Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/16/14

This is my challenge to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my day.  “Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.  I actually almost forgot to do it today until Just Plain Ol’ Vic reminded me by commenting on yesterdays post! –Thanks for the reminder!

Pros –

• I got a nice sleep thanks to my Ambien.  It was making my nightmares worse, so I quit taking it for a while.  But I wasn’t getting any sleep so I started it again, I’ll definitely take the sleep for now, even with some nightmares.
• I got a donation to my GoFundMe account to help me pay for my grad school tuition!!! Not a big one, but every little bit counts and I am so grateful for it!
• Mrs Doubtfire is on TV right now, this very minute as I write this!  It is so funny.  This movie came out when I was about 7 or 8 years old — I always wanted a nanny like him!  I didn’t binge watch and Robin Williams movies this week/end, but this one happened to be playing on the Hallmark Movie Channel, so I thought I would have it on in the background since it is one of my favorites.
• Figured out an old student loan from undergrad.  Ugh will they ever leave me alone?!?!  At least for a little while longer I suppose.   “Leandro” promised me that it would be taken care of, so I expect not to get another bill from them — again.
• I took a shower!  This might not seem like an accomplishment, but when I get depressed I can go days without one.  I hadn’t gone days, but I had gone two I think…and it was going to go on.  I stopped it though… I stopped it and jumped in and took one – a nice long hot one.

Cons –

• I am trying to raise money on GoFundMe, for school but I am not really getting anywhere.  I am a little bit disappointed, but I know everyone is struggling with money.  Still kind of makes me feel bad though.  Keeping a positive attitude that it is all going to work out.
• My apartment is kind of a mess — well it is always a mess, but I told myself it would get cleaned today and that just didn’t happen.
• Slept a lot today, just kind of felt like escaping my emotions and didn’t feel like using any of my more active coping skills.
• I ate too much 😦  Nibbling on food when I was awake — peanuts add up quickly in calories…especially when they are honey roasted peanuts.  I need some cocoa roasted almonds in those 100 calorie packs!

Goal for Tomorrow:

I really hope to be more awake for tomorrow.  I do not want to sleep through the day.  The weather here has been horrible – pouring rain almost all day long, literally, not more than 5-10 minutes of no rain or thunder.  I want to try to get out to a gym and walk or run on a treadmill a bit.  Just to get my anxiety out, get some energy burnt.  I want to perhaps read a bit of some of the text books I have received in regards to my future classes in grad school.  I want to maybe paint a small picture.

Now out of all of that — I just want to do one.  Small steps.  So if I just accomplish one of those, then I will be happy!

 

Pros and Cons Challenge of Today 8/15/14

I have been challenged by Izzy to create a “Pros and Cons” list of my dad.  Pros” are the things that I am happy for, grateful for, or things that just made me smile. “Cons” are those things that you just want to forget about because they do nothing to help with your anxiety or mood that day.

Sooo Here we go:

Cons –

1. Cleaned up my apartment
2. Student Loan Bills in the mail – which I shouldn’t have
3. Psychiatrist Bill in the mail – which I shouldn’t have
4. Kind of just feeling under the weather
5. Was all alone, no one to talk to today
6. One panic attack
7. Trying to figure out how to pay for Grad school…blah!

 

Pros –

1. Alive – Living another day, but I missed the sunrise — maybe tomorrow?
2. Woke up early (Thanks to a good sleep with Ambien!)
3. Had some time to read today
4. Listened to the rain and thunder, like every other day in Tampa – actually can’t figure out if this is a pro or con, but today it will be a pro
5. Restricted myself from eating absolutely everything today (no I don’t have an eating disorder, but I can eat emotionally when I get bored or sad or manic or whatever the case may me).
6. I didn’t go out and spend any money, or even look online on Amazon to spend money – even though they have smile.amazon.com which donates money to my charity (which is actually where I get my cousneling)…. whew.. I spend way too much money on that site with my bipolar.  Money I do not have.  Everyday I beat that is a day to celebrate.
7. I watched my DVR of the Last Comic Standing season finale – sooo funny!! Made me laugh
8. Looking forward to starting Grad School in like 2 weeks, but refer to Con number 7.

 

Ok this is definitely hard!  Over time I will get better at.

Anyone else want to take this challenge?

Just take your days, list your pros and cons for the day – that is it!  It helps you see what your day was like, the good and the bad.  Slowly helps you realize that not everything went bad, you do have good things in your life… even simple things.  Izzy has done a better job at conveying that in her blog over the past two days than I did in this though!

 

 

PTSD-How to help

Having PTSD is really hard, and so many people do not understand what it is like – they may read about it or hear about it more because veterans are being diagnosed with it more frequently, but unless they have experienced flashbacks and panic attacks, hyper arousal and the anxiety related to it— it is hard for them to know what it is like. Multi Me wrote a great blog about some ways that you can help someone who has PTSD.

Multi-Me

If you have PTSD then you know how absolutely awful and debilitating it can be. I thought I’d write a post about the ways in which you can help someone with PTSD. Remember this is from my own perspective.

Listen, and validate the persons feelings. We all like to feel validated, it really does help.

Talk about the symptoms. Dont be afraid of them. PTSD is really scary to the person going through it.

If a person who experiences PTSD is going through a flashback, sit with them, and listen, hold their hand, soothe them.

Allow the person to express how they are feeling. Dont minimize the persons feelings or experiences as trivial.

Dont make fun of, or laugh at the persons symptoms. They are very real.

If you are staying the night with the person, and they have a nightmare, help them by getting them a cold drink, or…

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Mindfulness

We are surrounded by different textures.  One of the principle components of mindfulness is to pay attention to things around us, focus on that – not things that worry us such as finances or school.  Just to stay in the moment.

I took a trip to Malaysia a few months ago and it is an absolutely beautiful country.  When I went, almost no one here knew were it was.  After all the publicity about the missing plane, and then the plane being shot down – it seems like everyone knows where it is.  Well, now that you all know – you should visit it!  It really is a beautiful place.

While I was there, I paid attention to everything.  I visited a multitude of places during my month there.  While on the beach though, there were all these little crabs!  I live in FL so of course I have been to the beach.  But for some reason, being on the beach there was just fun.  I saw these crabs and they were amazing.  Thousands of them!  Scurrying around – they created all these cool designs on the ground.  They were called bubbling (bubbler) crabs.  They make these little sand pellets and they usually form very cool circular shapes.  I did not get a picture of one of the designs, but I did get a picture of some of them.

Focusing on all the beauty of the area though took my mind off of any problems going through my mind.  Mindfulness is amazing when you actually use it.  Of course, they key is using it!

 

Thank You All For The Support

Thank you so much to everyone for the support and kind comments, likes, and encouragement on all my posts and especially throughout this frustrating time dealing with my anxiety and last psychiatrist appointment.

I still have struggled today and have just spent time kind of lying around – yes I know, not the healthiest thing.  I did go out and just sit outside in the sun, trying to get some good ol’ vitamin D, and listened to music.

One thing that does always help me though is comedy.  I absolutely comedy – I think every time I have been down, I can bring myself out of it with some type of comedy.  It might take a bit of time, but eventually I am laughing so hard and my mind is distracted for a good period of time.  Of course, the hardest part is getting myself to watch some comedy.

Tonight though, there were two shows on TV that involve quite a bit of comedy.  Hollywood Game Night and Last Comic Standing.   Now, I don’t normally follow Hollywood Game Night, I have just watched it here and there, but it is pretty funny.  I have followed Last Comic Standing this season though, for the first time, and it always makes me laugh.

So tonight, I turned on the TV, because I have just kind of been lying on my couch, being a bum, ruminating on my problems, getting no where.  I figured, what the heck, maybe TV will at least get my mind off of it.  Thankfully both of these shows were actually on!!!  Well, Last Comic Standing is actually on right now – so I am alternating between writing this and watching it 🙂  But it has really lifted my mood already.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with my therapist and hopefully that will help as well.  Perhaps we can problem solve some of all of what I am feeling and thinking about everything going on.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone.  It is amazing how much support I have gotten.  Also, comedy is an amazing coping skill to bring you out of a bad mood – you should definitely try it if you haven’t 🙂

Good Days and Bad Days, This Blog Has Helped and Will Help Me

I used to write all the time.  I had a journal on blogger and I wrote and wrote and wrote.  I wrote about my depression, my frustrations, how much I hated life.  I would write suicide notes and good bye letters.  I wrote about how I thought suicide was ok and how those who loved me should be happy I was gone because I wasn’t in pain anymore.  I had a physical, tangible journal too that my therapist gave me, and I wrote in that periodically as well – I would scribble down any thought that came to my head, over and over again, rambling on about everything – but it was always the bad stuff.  I never counteracted any of the negative thoughts with good things.  I never put any positive self talk in there or reminded myself about what was going on that was good.

I couldn’t see anything good around me – at all.  There was good stuff though.  My siblings cared a lot about me.  I live no where near them, we are all in different states.  We don’t even talk very much, but when we do, I can cry and let all my emotions out and they listen and understand.  Each day, I have food and an apartment to stay in.  Sure, I struggle to pay the bills and have food to eat — but I have it.  There was a time in my life, that I basically was kicked out of my apartment and had to move back home or be homeless, and I attempted suicide because of it.  I did not want to live with my mom.  Now, I have those things.  I have to think about that.  I have a mental health team, I am able to have my medicine.  I hate taking medicine, but it makes me stable.  There were times I couldn’t pay for my medicine – now I can and it is works fairly well.  I have struggled incredibly hard to find a good therapist and psychiatrist, but I have those now.  I have a team that wants me to get better.  There are good things in my life.  I may think that life is horrible and miserable, but not everything is working against me like it may seem.

I started this blog because I was so focused on the negatives in my other blog.  WordPress is a really active community and I wanted to be able to be involved with interacting with others.  I wanted to discuss mental health issues.  I wanted to be involved with reading about other interests of mine.  I wanted to focus on positives.

I still have horrible days.  Just two weeks ago (or something like that), I broke down.  I called the crisis line and then a day later called my dad and about went to the psych hospital.  I thought I was going to kill myself.  Life isn’t perfect for me.  My days can still get really shitty.  I still get super depressed.  But, I want to help people.  And writing on here has helped me feel better.  And talking with others on here has helped me feel better.  Connecting with others that are going through the same thing, knowing I am not alone.

I’m going to eventually have the posts where I am hating life again, but I am hoping that those are few and far between.  I’m sure starting grad school is going to make them happen a lot more frequently – bringing back memories related to my sexual abuse and rape.  My PTSD is going to be stirred up even more than it has been lately with therapy.   I hope to use this as a way to vent still, and get my frustration out, but in a more positive way than I was on my other online blog – which was quite negative as I was simply writing out my plans for death.  Here I can just write out my thoughts and even ask for advice.

I really think that writing on here and connecting with others on here and seeing this as a support has really helped though.  I hope that it continues to do that.