Why I Choose to Live

Why I Choose to Live –

During one of my hospitalizations, we had to create a safety place.  We were given a bunch of note cards and asked to put lots of different things on them….

  • Warning signs that we were getting depressed
  • Triggers for our depression
  • Coping skills
  • Things that made us happy
  • and of course – who we could call when we felt suicidal

One of those cards though also was for, why we chose to live.  Why did we want to live.  What were our reasons for living.

I found that safety place the other day and looked through it.  Most of it is completely irrelevant at this point.  None of those people are in my life anymore.  The triggers and warning signs I suppose are still there.  Coping skills have changed.  Things that make me happy are not the same.  And, the reasons why I choose to live — well I am pretty sure I completely made up every single one of those just so I could tell myself there was something to live for — or the hospital made me write something.

Like, I wrote I wanted to have kids — yeah I have never wanted kids.  Or I never wanted a baby of my own, to come out of me (sorry if that was graphic).  But since being molested and raped, I just don’t deal with things “down there” very well.  Adoption of an older kid, maybe.  I wanted to live for God — yeah I believe in God, but I also don’t think God will send me to hell for suicide (don’t really want to debate this on here, so please don’t).  Anyway, there was a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t understand why I wrote it.

So I figured I would make a new list — perhaps one I really thought about.  So here goes – Reasons why I choose to live:

  1. I want to be able to use my past to help others.  I am currently going to grad school to gain a degree in which I will be able to work with those that have been victims of trauma and mental health issues.  I have experienced both of these things and I never thought I would be able to actually to turn my experiences into something positive.  I hope that I can help others, by knowing where they are coming from, and relating to them, to help them overcome their traumas.  I want to live so I can achieve this goal – getting my degree and helping others.
  2. I want to live to see if I will ever be happy, like really happy.  I don’t know how to explain this, but I guess I want to see if there really is that light at the end of the tunnel.  If I give up today, and then tomorrow would have been the day that would have magically been better – that would really suck.  So I guess I should just keep living to find out!  I am going to live to find out if that day ever comes.  If it never comes, I will be pretty upset, but it won’t really matter if I am upset when I am dead will it?
  3. I want to live to see how much the world changes!  Seriously, I can’t believe how much has changed in the 26 years I have been alive already.  Just hearing how much it has changed for those that are older than me too.  I can’t even imagine staying alive to watch it advance even more.  What if they make awesome cool technology things – well of course they are going to do that!  What if they find a cure for the different types of mental illnesses?  I’m sure they are going to find better treatments for them at the very least.
  4. I want to see what the next big movie is.  I really enjoy movies and while a lot of them suck – there are also a lot of good ones out there.  Did anyone see Boyhood?  It is filmed over 12 years with the same actors, great movie!  Had a bit of triggers in there for me as there is some abuse in it, but it was sooo good!  That was the last movie I saw last week.  Now, just to keep living to see the next great movie!
  5.  Travel!  I really want to travel all over!  I choose to live because I have not been everywhere yet.  I will not die til I have been everywhere.  Even after I have been everywhere, I still have all these other reasons to live – but this is one of them! I want to go to so many different countries!
  6. Most importantly — I choose to live for me.  I have always done everything for everyone else.  I have gone to school for other people, well yes I know school is required as a child, but I picked my high school electives based on what I thought people wanted.  I picked my college major based on what I thought people would want.  I did enjoy is all, yes, but it was still all for everyone else.  I have always felt the need to please every (which goes back to my history of abuse).  I have never felt like I can do something just for me.  So, I choose to live for me.  Not for anyone else, but for me.

 

Why do you choose to live???

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15 thoughts on “Why I Choose to Live”

  1. I think those reasons are pretty awesome!

    I can’t bring myself to write “choose to live” so I will write, I live for life because life is beautiful when you’re not imprisoned in your own mental prison. Yap, it is quite awesome. Everything. Even stopping and smelling the roses is awesome because they really smell great. 🙂
    The last reason of yours is the best in my opinion and I think many problems are created and exist because we don’t live for ourselves, we don’t love ourselves or accept and valuate our emotions. I have seen it in others and in myself. My affirmation things, stuff I say to myself to encourage myself is changing through time, and even through different situations. I wish and I am making the safe place inside myself. It will maybe take some time, maybe not as much time as I think… But it is in the making. ❤

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  2. Great list. First thing that comes to my mind is what you have as #6. I choose to live for me. To become a better person, to be strong in body, mind and spirit. To learn how to live so that I can help others to do so. But it all begins with me. If I am not the best person that I can be, then the rest of it doesn’t matter. I can’t be a good Dad if I am not a good me. I cannot be a good husband, son or friend if I am not a good me.

    Thanks for the post and the reminder to keep moving forward so that all these great things that are in store for me can come true!

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  3. Your list is pretty damn good on its own!

    For me personally I would say I live for my wife and my kids. Those 3 reasons are enough for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t really have anything major that still keeps me going. I just am 😉 and I suppose I am content with that. Except, your #6 also captivated me. If I don’t have anything else to live for, why not for myself? Be selfish for a change and do things I want to do to try and better myself. I actually only have friends way older than me. I am 25. They took me in their circle of friends, and one of the friends once told me that she and her fiancée noticed a drastic change in me, for the better, and that only elevated my frame of mind. Almost like a ‘Perks of being a Wallflower’ situation . . . 🙂 Thank you for the post. It’s most inspiring! xx

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  5. Your list is awesome – so many good reasons to live.

    I choose to live because of my wife and children, leaving them by choice isn’t something I will do.

    I choose to live because I’m stubborn and won’t give in — I guess I feel that if I committed suicide, my parents win.

    I choose to live because, at the end of the day, my life is good. It isn’t unchallenging, or easy, but it is good.

    Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh I forgot to put why I choose to live

    1. My daughters, they’re my everything they keep me going when I dont want to

    2. To wake up the next day and say “I’m still here” I want to say that every single day.

    3. Because one day I will overcome this bpd and and I can look back and say “you made it through”

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  7. Yes, I saved number 6 for last because I think it is the most important one for me too! For me, I have to make sure that I put myself first, cause if I don’t, then nothing else is going to work. I cant do anything unless I am happy. If I just keep living for everyone else, it is basically useless. I have to live for myself and then I will want to live for everyone else too because I will have those connections with others.

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  8. Glad you liked the post! I realized I needed to live for myself because I was constantly just wanted to please others and live for others – not for myself. I realized that I needed to “be selfish” because I wasn’t happy. Sometimes you do have to be selfish — and in reality it isn’t really being selfish, it is being healthy cause if you don’t put yourself first, then you cant really be there for others or take care of others or make those connections with others — or at least that is how it is in my case 🙂 I have a hard time remembering it, but I am just going to have to keep looking at this list and reminding myself now!

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  9. Love it!

    Great list. Family is super important. I love number 2! Being able to wake up each day and just be in that moment and realize that you made it to the next day – You are still here! It is a new day. I like that one!

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  10. Keep the list where you can see it whenever you feel the need . . . I have a bad memory problem as it is, and even forget to set reminders! But if you can remember what this is all about, I’m sure even I will remember most of it 😀

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