I Think I’ve Hit a Road Block – And I Need to Find the Detour

I saw my psychiatrist today.  I wasn’t really the greatest appointment.  I actually left feeling very discouraged and I’m not in the greatest mood.  I think I’ve hit a road block.

I’ve really been struggling with my anxiety.  I’ve always had bad anxiety.  It was pretty well managed the last few years, although I was pretty overloaded on my last anxiety medication.  When I was in the state hospital, the environment was very controlled and I thought I had gotten over it, so I transitioned off of my medicine (the valium).  Upon moving though, I knew no one, was in a brand new state, and also began working on trauma therapy — my anxiety has been at an all time high once again.  I deeply regret ever getting off anxiety medication.  I cannot get my psychiatrist to give me medication other than vistaril, which has done nothing, and buspar which simply made it 100x worse.  I understand that other medications are addictive, but I only want something to help me when I go into a panic attack just while I go through this trauma therapy, even if it just a few pills a month to get me through the worst of times.  I am getting exhausted living like this – it has made me depression horrible.

He told me that he went through my medications I have tried in the past – not specifically anxiety, but everything.  I have gone through a lot – and he said that medications don’t work for me.  I was pissed, because the regimen I am on now has done a pretty good job for the last 1.5 years.  I have been more stable than I have been in like 4 years.  He has only seen me twice now (I go to a medical school, so they switch residents every two years when they graduate).  He doesn’t even know me! Yes, he has my records, but I highly doubt he has read them! Does he really want to see me off my medication – because I am really considering just stopping it since he claims that they don’t even matter, despite the fact that I have seen how much they have changed my life.  But if he says that, why would I waste my money?

He wants me to compliment my trauma therapy with DBT.  Which would be fine, except the only place around me that does it, is 1 hour away (ok still doable), but they also don’t take insurance, or any insurance for that matter (not doable).  I am already paying out of pocket to see him (supposed to be $124 dollars-what I was told….but I keep getting billed over $200 and while they tell me they will fix it, it never gets done).  I live on disability right now, I cannot afford to pay out of pocket for more therapy that my insurance wont pay for. 

I guess I am just frustrated though because he basically told me that if my anxiety is that bad – I need to go to the hospital.  What is the hospital going to do?  Why can he not just help me?  If he can’t help outpatient, why would the hospital be able to do anything different?  Would they be able to prescribe me a medication?  If they do–would he actually keep me on it?  I’m not going to go spend a ton of money on a hospital stay when I feel like this should be able to be taken care of on an outpatient basis.  I thought psychiatrists were supposed to try to keep you out of the hospital. 

I have grown so much since 2011 when I first started having serious problems with my mental health.  And I believe that each day I grow stronger.  I know I also fall back though.  I just feel like this is a set back for me.  Or I shouldn’t say set back – its like a road block.  A wall in my way.  Another challenge.  I don’t have help this time though. I don’t have a psychiatrist to help me get through it.  And it sucks – it just sucks.  I’m facing my pain and anxiety and depression on my own. I mean, I guess he cares in that he suggested the DBT, but he also knows I cant pay for it and he clearly doesn’t want to help me with medication – so I don’t feel like I have support.  Now, I have to find the detour, the way around it – get past this road block.

I’m going to get through it.  I just am going to have to work a hell of a lot harder and figure something out.  I don’t know what yet though.  I feel like I have tried a million coping skills. 

So, I’m going to try to write some still, but I may be a little less frequent.  I have some posts that I wrote ahead of time that are scheduled to be posted though, and those should show up.  I am still going to try to get on here though, cause it does help.  Ill just have to see how it goes I guess. 

Happy and Sad

 

Life is like a piano –

white keys are happy moments,

and black keys are sad moments.

But remember, both keys are played together to give sweet

music.

 

I Hate Mania

Risky behaviors. $$$$$  Frustration.  HAPPY!!!! Anger.  Noooo ZzzzZzzZzz’s.  A million thoughts going through your head!

Mania Mania Mania.

When you are bipolar, you are up you are down.  When you are up, you are manic.  I’ll be honest, with my bipolar – I am depressed 97% of the time.  I really haven’t had any major manic episodes – maybe 3 real manic episodes ever.  The rest have been hypomania.  I have been in severe depressive episodes the majority of the time.

When I have gone into a manic episode though – mine is not a happy or good mania.  It isn’t really a productive mania either.  I kind of got the short straw when it came to mania.  I do want to do a lot of things, but I want to do so many things, I start them all and go from one thing to another and so none of them get done.

So why is my mania not a good mania?  Well – I don’t really get happy so much.  I get irritated, I get agitated.  People seem to bother me a lot more.  When I am depressed, people bother me, but I don’t seem to have the energy to deal with them.  I will yell or get mad, but I tend to just cry when I get frustrated.  When I am manic – I have the energy to yell back and argue back and carry on with it.  I don’t get physical and never have but I have those thoughts, my anger consumes me.

I also spend a lot of money.  Way too much money.  I have no idea what I am doing – I don’t think about the consequences of it at all.  I am on disability because of my mental illness.  I have no money whatsoever to be spending.  When I am manic though, I am not even thinking about that.  I just feel the need to buy something to keep my mind distracted, to keep my mind busy.  Everything seems interesting to me.  My mind sees something and I have a million thoughts on how I could use it and why I need it.  Or I do things that I have no way of returning.  I feel like I can save the world.  I donate money to charities and give money to people.  Not like $1 or even $10.  I donate $100’s, and one time — a heck of a lot more than that.  Yes, my credit card was not happy with me.  I am glad it went to a good cause, but my bank account suffered – as did my refrigerator, pantry, and stomach and other bills.

I tend to do other reckless things too.  Speeding, not horribly bad, but normally I am a very safe driver, so speeding is just crazy to me.  Usually it is at night, cause I normally am only out at night after a NAMI meeting.  But I feel like I am flying, ruling the world (of course when I am manic I have these crazy delusions).  I tend to catch myself when I am doing this, and as I said, I never speed horribly, but the fact that it happens in the first place is something that definitely sets me apart from when I am not manic.

My lack of sleep is ridiculous.  I can stay up all night, all day, all night.  Or I may sleep, but only for an hour or two.  I don’t know how I do it.  I can pace my apartment, which is not big, so I don’t know how I don’t get bored? Seriously?  Or I will start all these projects, which I referred to earlier – but never finish any of them.  I will be inspired to paint pictures, draw zentangles, or draw abstract pictures.  I will stay up watching Netflix movies galore.  Everything just seems entertaining to me though. Or boring, everything can also seem boring – my mind will find it entertaining, and then suddenly switch to something else that is more entertaining.

The racing thoughts – they can drive you mad!  These tend to happen in mania or not, but they are a hundred times worse when I am manic.  From one thing to another.  I cant figure out what to do, where to go, who I want to talk to or see.

On that note, who I want to talk to or see —- I am suddenly social!?!  I have horrible social anxiety – what is going on?  I can talk to people, I can see people, I want to see people!  Mania does some crazy things to my brain.  Well, I guess this might be a good part of my mania – socialization is a good thing.

So, my mania — overall, it isn’t a good mania.  I hate my mania.  People always say they miss their manias.  They like their mania.  I don’t like mine.  I am so used to being depressed, severely depressed, that I don’t even know how to handle mania.  I prefer depression.  Even when I am not severely depressed, I have the low grade depression.  I think everyone would prefer to just be stable over all – feel happy, experience the sad when appropriate, but be stable.  That is what I hope for many times anyway.  I know it is not what I have been given though, but I know that I will manage what I do have.  I am going to battle these manic episodes and I am going to battle my depressive episodes.  I am not going to give in though.

Daily Post – Writer’s Block? Nope, Writing Helps me Cope

Word Press Post A Day – When was the last time you experienced writer’s block? What do you think brought it about — and how did you dig your way out of it?

I just started doing these Post A Day things from Word Press – I thought it might help me expand on my topics – bring in new ideas to relate to mental health…which is what my blog is about.  For the most part, I think it has helped a bit.  I think most of them I have been able to relate to mental health/illness in some way, even if it has been a bit of a stretch at times.  Except Unlikely Pairing – that one, nope, I just couldn’t tie in.  I wrote about it anyway, just to write.

I am passionate about mental health though.  I have been affected with mental illness my whole life.  There is so much stigma associated with mental illness though.  You rarely hear about the great people that have mental illness, just the horrible stories related to it.  Everyone just gets a bad picture.

I created this blog to show my struggles, but also my triumphs over my disorders – my bipolar, my borderline personality disorder, and my PTSD.  All of which I struggle with daily.  I also overcome it everyday though.

Each day I get up, I write on here.  I write about what mental illness is, or how to cope with it,  quotes related to it, how it has affected me, how it might be affecting me that day, what I am going to do in the future to overcome a challenge that I faced because of it, suicide, sexual abuse, past traumas, therapy, etc.

I’m sure I had writers block in high school related to some silly essay my AP English teacher wanted me to write.  When it comes down to something that I am interested in though, something I am passionate about – no, I haven’t had it.  I am sure it might come eventually, but so far, it hasn’t hit me.  I hope it doesn’t because this is a topic that needs to be spoken up for and needs to be heard.

This is my coping skill.  It’s keeping me mentally healthy right now.  Or as much as it can anyway.