I Think I’ve Hit a Road Block – And I Need to Find the Detour

I saw my psychiatrist today.  I wasn’t really the greatest appointment.  I actually left feeling very discouraged and I’m not in the greatest mood.  I think I’ve hit a road block.

I’ve really been struggling with my anxiety.  I’ve always had bad anxiety.  It was pretty well managed the last few years, although I was pretty overloaded on my last anxiety medication.  When I was in the state hospital, the environment was very controlled and I thought I had gotten over it, so I transitioned off of my medicine (the valium).  Upon moving though, I knew no one, was in a brand new state, and also began working on trauma therapy — my anxiety has been at an all time high once again.  I deeply regret ever getting off anxiety medication.  I cannot get my psychiatrist to give me medication other than vistaril, which has done nothing, and buspar which simply made it 100x worse.  I understand that other medications are addictive, but I only want something to help me when I go into a panic attack just while I go through this trauma therapy, even if it just a few pills a month to get me through the worst of times.  I am getting exhausted living like this – it has made me depression horrible.

He told me that he went through my medications I have tried in the past – not specifically anxiety, but everything.  I have gone through a lot – and he said that medications don’t work for me.  I was pissed, because the regimen I am on now has done a pretty good job for the last 1.5 years.  I have been more stable than I have been in like 4 years.  He has only seen me twice now (I go to a medical school, so they switch residents every two years when they graduate).  He doesn’t even know me! Yes, he has my records, but I highly doubt he has read them! Does he really want to see me off my medication – because I am really considering just stopping it since he claims that they don’t even matter, despite the fact that I have seen how much they have changed my life.  But if he says that, why would I waste my money?

He wants me to compliment my trauma therapy with DBT.  Which would be fine, except the only place around me that does it, is 1 hour away (ok still doable), but they also don’t take insurance, or any insurance for that matter (not doable).  I am already paying out of pocket to see him (supposed to be $124 dollars-what I was told….but I keep getting billed over $200 and while they tell me they will fix it, it never gets done).  I live on disability right now, I cannot afford to pay out of pocket for more therapy that my insurance wont pay for. 

I guess I am just frustrated though because he basically told me that if my anxiety is that bad – I need to go to the hospital.  What is the hospital going to do?  Why can he not just help me?  If he can’t help outpatient, why would the hospital be able to do anything different?  Would they be able to prescribe me a medication?  If they do–would he actually keep me on it?  I’m not going to go spend a ton of money on a hospital stay when I feel like this should be able to be taken care of on an outpatient basis.  I thought psychiatrists were supposed to try to keep you out of the hospital. 

I have grown so much since 2011 when I first started having serious problems with my mental health.  And I believe that each day I grow stronger.  I know I also fall back though.  I just feel like this is a set back for me.  Or I shouldn’t say set back – its like a road block.  A wall in my way.  Another challenge.  I don’t have help this time though. I don’t have a psychiatrist to help me get through it.  And it sucks – it just sucks.  I’m facing my pain and anxiety and depression on my own. I mean, I guess he cares in that he suggested the DBT, but he also knows I cant pay for it and he clearly doesn’t want to help me with medication – so I don’t feel like I have support.  Now, I have to find the detour, the way around it – get past this road block.

I’m going to get through it.  I just am going to have to work a hell of a lot harder and figure something out.  I don’t know what yet though.  I feel like I have tried a million coping skills. 

So, I’m going to try to write some still, but I may be a little less frequent.  I have some posts that I wrote ahead of time that are scheduled to be posted though, and those should show up.  I am still going to try to get on here though, cause it does help.  Ill just have to see how it goes I guess. 

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25 thoughts on “I Think I’ve Hit a Road Block – And I Need to Find the Detour”

  1. This doctor apparently doesn’t abide by the maxim, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” It sounds pretty scary and frustrating for you to be going through these changes in your treatment.

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  2. Ack, your pdoc does not sound like he is giving sound medical advice. If your meds have kept you stable (other than the anxiety), then I don’t know why quitting them would help — kind of like throwing the baby out with the bathwater! I hope you can either make him see reason or see someone else. Coping skills are super-important, but meds (can be) just as.

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  3. Yeah I definitely need to figure out how to be on the right path again. I see my therapist tomorrow and she is usually way more helpful than my psych, usually she thinks he (and my previous one) make weird decisions and she helps me figure out solutions. So, hopefully tomorrow I’ll feel like I’m back on track. And advice is always welcome 🙂

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  4. No way to switch. They consult with the supervises since they are residents. I think they are all just hesitant to give out benzo type medications. I just need something to get me through this trauma therapy though. I see my therapist tomorrow and will just talk to her about it all I suppose

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  5. Yeah it is frustrating! But I’m sure I’ll get through it…just gonna be discouraged for a bit til I figure out how. Thanks for the comment 🙂

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  6. Finding a trusting relationship with a medical provider is so critical. First and foremost, you need to find someone that you trust and that you feel has your best interest in mind. Don’t forget that in addition to finding the right “cocktail” of medications that you have to continue therapy.

    Do not discount your own inner strength and willpower! Know that you are not alone and there is a lot of support out there! Take care.

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  7. He didn’t say to quit them himself. He just said that even though they helped me, they didn’t really help me much. But he obviously didn’t see me from 2011-2012 when I would go and off and was hospitalized 15 times. Then got on this regimen a and stayed on and am basically stable. So it makes me mad cause if he thinks they don’t do much why am I paying to see him? Why am I paying for the meds? I just am frustrated with him

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  8. Yeah. I have a great mix of meds right now. The only thing not in control is my anxiety. And my therapist is great. It’s just my psych is new cause I go to a med school and u see residents so when yours graduates then you get a new one. So this one doesn’t know me and is assuming stuff. So frustrating!

    Thanks for the encouragments. I’m trying to keep up my inner strength and will power. 🙂

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  9. Stink. I’m currently going through EMDR and we’re still in the first section developing coping techniques before we get to confronting that actual trauma. So I might be relating to you even more in the near future.

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  10. Hopefully learning the coping skills will help a lot though. I have heard EMDR is super helpful. My therapist has mentioned it, but she is letting me kind of decide where/what technique I want to use I guess. EMDR kind of freaks me out I think, mainly cause I don’t know about it though

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  11. For me, the right medication is the cornerstone to recovery. The right medications are the ones that quell the symptoms and allow you to function better on a day to day basis. Curious as to why your psych is not prescribing the meds that have worked for you and that give you some relief. But then, like any occupation, there are the ones who exercise due diligence and those that do not. Perhaps it is time to change psych?

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  12. There are not many psychiatrists in the area, and to get into one there is generally a 3-6 month wait. I have only seen this one 2 now but I was transferred to him from my other one, as I go to them through the medical school and they have you see their residents, so every 2 years u get a new one when the other graduates. So I just have to wait and see how he is from here I guess. Perhaps I can request a change if he continues to not listen though.

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  13. I’ve liked it so far. I think my counselor is very talented. She gives me homework to practice every week adding on top of the one before. Once we’ve reached a certain stage we’ll begin the actual EMDR. I know lots of ppl who have done it and I could see changes in them that I wanted for myself.

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  14. That’s awesome! I think I am definitely making progress with mine as well just having a lot of anxiety. But I had anxiety prior to it, just an increase now. Maybe I’ll ask about the EMDR a little more to learn more

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